In June 1995 my play Love Snatches: Reflections on the Martina And Judy Story was presented as part of the Montreal Fringe Festival. The Fringe Festival is great because basically all you have to do is pay their fee ($300.00 at the time), get your application in before the deadline and they provide a space with basic lighting and a listing of your production in their catalogue. The rest is up to you. Since I couldn't afford to pay anybody, I was responsible for all aspects of the production including directing, casting, sets, publicity, etc... I also played the role of Miss Hulka who only appears in the last scene. I did get some help from a friend (Margaret Gourlay) who took on the position of Production Assistant and my partner (Debra Harris) designed a poster and leaflet. I assembled a wonderful cast, most of whom were recent theatre school graduates, and the Festival gave us a schedule of 6 shows over 9 days. The performance space held about 100 people, it was very hot, and the accoustics left much to be desired but I had nobody to answer to except myself and the cast which gave us all the freedom to do whatever we wanted to do. I set ticket prices at a very affordable $5.00 and by the end of the run I had recouped all the money that I originally put into the production. It was a great experience!

About the play...

Shortly after I heard about the break-up of Martina Navratilova and Judy Nelson and the subsequent lawsuit filed by Judy, I started writing scenes about how I imagined their life together began and how it abruptly ended. Like many dykes all over the world I had read Martina's and Judy's respective autobiographies and all the gossip tidbits I could find in magazines. Martina had always been someone I admired immensely and she held special icon status in the dyke world. A friend suggested I turn this material into a play. I framed these scenes with monologues from a narrator who is obsessed with all things Martina and who is heartbroken over Martina's break-up because she believes that as a couple, they were great role models for all dykes. If some of the references seem a bit dated, just remember I started writing it in the early 90’s. I have resisted the urge to rewrite the whole play for this web page.

The Cast...

(Three of the actresses played double roles)
NARRATOR..................Kerrilynn Keith

MARTINA NAVRATILOVA............Anna Bogri

JUDY NELSON
JULIE CYPHER................Carole Bureau

BILLIE JEAN KING
MELISSA ETHERIDGE............Sara Bradeen

RENEE RICHARDS
YULA...................Alexandra Valassis

MISS HULKA.............Claire Cappelletti

SANDRA BERNHARD...........Jason MacDonald

The Play...

(**** at the beginning or end of a line indicates that there was originally text before or after what I have chosen to display here.)

NARRATOR: Martina Navratilova and Judy Nelson. A match made in heaven, until it turned into the break-up from hell! There'd been rumors that all wasn't well in the champ's life, relationship wise, but when Enter-fucking- tainment Tonight broke the news to millions of viewers well, that made it even more tragic. Don't get me wrong, I love Entertainment Tonight, I really do. Especially when Mary Hart and Leeza Gibbons co-host. It's fun to think of what they might say to each other when they’re off air. "Hey, Mary, let's ditch our old men and go suck down a few brewskies at Stoney's Place. Maybe shoot some pool." "Leeza, can't we go to Cafe Vulva this time? The women are so much more dignified and....petite." I think Leeza is way cuter than Mary, anyway. She may have shown bad judgement by doing that talk show with John Tesh. Yeccch!! But he's out of the way now and it's just (DRAMATICALLY) Leeza! Leeza rules, right? Right. Well, that's why it was even more painful to hear about Martina and Judy from Mary Hart's lips. And it wasn't just a break-up, it was a lawsuit! That bitch Judy was suing Martina for half her money. (***) They weren't just another celebrity couple, you know? They were role models for so many of us, their relationship meant something, and now after seven years it was over. Eventually Judy would write her own tell-almost-all book while she shacked up with Rita Mae Brown, also one of Martina's exes. But I had already come up with dozens of plausible scenarios in my own fantasy world. And fantasizing about Martina is common practice. I don't just mean sex. Although, I know from personal experience that the Wimbledon fortnight is practically a mating ritual in some circles. (***) I remember when I first heard that they were a couple. It really burned my ass in the beginning. Martina taking up with a straight woman. A married one at that. Like there's not enough dykes to choose from? But they seemed to make a go of it. True love at last for the deserving champ.
(SINGING)
L is for the lesbian I adore
O is what I said when you took the door
V is very, very hurtful to the core
E is everything I'll take from you and then some more....
That's Judy’s theme. She can use it when she gets her own sitcom. "My Favorite Lesbian" starring Judy Nelson as an extra-terrestrial dyke.
(AS IF READING FROM TV GUIDE)
This week watch Judy's zany antics as she tries to initiate the folks of Staidville to the wonders of Women's Music Festivals. Leeza Gibbons shines as Mrs. Doughface. Or a TV movie of the week. "Judy Nelson: The secret daughter Ozzie and Harriet Nelson never talked about." Leeza Gibbons shines as Harriet. Now, I don't want you thinking I'm stuck on Leeza or anything. Of course, Martina's my hero but I don't want to sleep with her. We'd be like buddies riding our Harleys across the continent, picking up hot women outside of leather bars on the outskirts of town. We'd share our tales of conquest and adventure and I'd even let her use my toothbrush. Hell, I'd give that woman my last can of beans even if I was dying of starvation. I wouldn't need Leeza. With Martina by my side I could go for the Grand Slam - Jodie Foster! ...But back to Martina and Judy. It all started when Martina met Judy at some tournament, they got along swimmingly, then Martina was injured. She needed time to rest and recover and quelle coincidence, Judy had an extra room in her (TEXAN ACCENT) spacious family dwelling. That's a Texas accent, by the way, 'cause Judy's from Texas. So, Martina moved right on in, bonded with the family and slowly but ever so surely Martina and Judy fell in love. Now, I don't know about you but I can just picture the seduction scene. Judy cooks a lavish meal for the family and their new house guest. The Nelson men, husband and two sons, retire to their rooms and Martina and Judy are alone in the living room.

Lights fade out on narrator and fade up on Martina and Judy standing in front of a couch.

MARTINA: That was a great meal, Judy.

JUDY: You really liked it? I wasn't sure-

MARTINA: I usually eat high carb, low fat, high fiber, low sodium, non-dairy, sugar-free, low protein, you know, nothing special.

JUDY: (DISAPPOINTED)You didn't like the biscuits and gravy?

MARTINA: I'm sure your gravy is...... terrific. I just can't afford the fat. I have to be especially careful now with this injury.
(LOOKS AROUND ROOM)
This is a great place to recover in. I could get used to this.
(SITS DOWN)
You know, I have the body fat of a ten year old girl.

JUDY: Is that so?

MARTINA: Oh, yeah. Here feel my muscle. (EXTENDS HER ARM)

JUDY: (SITS DOWN AND GENTLY SQUEEZES MARTINA’S BICEP)
Oh, my. That is quite a muscle.

MARTINA: Yeah, power. It scares the hell out of the girls in the locker room. One time I picked up both Sanchez sisters right out of the shower. One in each arm. I carried them around the locker room like wet dolls until Mary slipped out of my grip and hit the floor. (LAUGHING) Now their mother won't let me near them. Won't even let them go into the locker room alone. Wimps.

JUDY: I suppose to a young girl it can be rather -

MARTINA: Do you like muscles?

JUDY: Well, my husband bought me a rowing machine but -

MARTINA: I didn't mean on you.

JUDY: (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Oh, I see.

MARTINA: You're perfect just the way you are. A true American beauty.

JUDY: I was actually in a beauty pageant as a child.

MARTINA: Really? You must have won.

JUDY: I was so nervous about the talent competition I made myself ill.
(LOST IN MEMORY)
I still remember the outfit I wore. Pink and white ruffles. Matching shoes with big, shiny buckles.

MARTINA: Irresistible!

JUDY: Sorry, I'm boring you with all this. I was so young. Too many details I had no control over.

MARTINA: I've never met anybody as organized as you before.

JUDY: I guess it comes naturally, with the boys and all.

MARTINA: I've really enjoyed my stay with your family.

JUDY: And they simply adore you.

MARTINA: It's almost like a TV family. Just like I dreamed about back in Czechoslovakia. Lots of love and support.

JUDY: The foundation of any good family. Now, let me get this right once and for all. Was that high protein, sugar free...

MARTINA: But I like these private moments the best.
(GAZES INTO JUDY’S EYES)
You have the most beautiful eyes, Judy.
(THEIR HEADS MOVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND FINALLY THEIR LIPS MEET FOR A BRIEF MOMENT)
Judy.....
(THEY KISS AGAIN. THIS TIME THEIR KISS BECOMES PASSIONATE AND LASTS A FEW MOMENTS)

JUDY: Martina I .....

MARTINA: Don't worry, honey, I’m a professional.
(IN ONE MOVEMENT MARTINA SWINGS JUDY'S LEGS ONTO THE COUCH AND POSITIONS HERSELF ON TOP OF JUDY. THEY KISS)

JUDY: (BREATHLESSLY)
My...my husband.

MARTINA: Said he was going to bed, remember? He said he'd leave us to our girl talk. So, talk to me, girl.
(THEY KISS AND THEIR BODIES BEGIN MOVING IN RHYTHM)

Lights fade out on scene and fade up on narrator.

NARRATOR: So, they went at it for a while and from that moment on Judy prayed to a new Goddess, genuflected before the altar of Sappho, marched to the beat of a different drummer, joined the legions of women who traffic in the love that once dared not speak its name. She struck gold her first time out and by God she was gonna stand by her woman. And she did. She travelled with Martina to all her matches, took care of all her personal needs: food, clothes, hotel reservations. She wasn't just a lover, she was a personal secretary. Of course, the media referred to her as just another member of Martina's entourage, or worse, her companion. Any outward show of affection, anything more than a friendly hug, was out of the question. So, they devised a set of elaborate hand signals to communicate with each other while Martina worked her magic on the courts and Judy watched from the stands.

Lights fade out on narrator and up on Martina and Judy. Martina is wearing her tennis clothes and stands next to Judy.

MARTINA: (GOES THROUGH A RIDICULOUSLY COMPLEX SERIES OF HAND SIGNALS RESEMBLING THOSE OF A BASEBALL COACH)

JUDY: Okay, I think I've got it.

MARTINA: Good. I feel great today.
(TAKES OFF JACKET AND HANDS IT TO JUDY. STARTS STRETCHING AND WARMING UP)
I'm gonna beat the tennis skirt off her.

JUDY: Don't be too rough on her.

MARTINA: What are you talking about? I'm the champion, number one, cream of the crop, top of the heap.

JUDY: (STEPS IN TO MASSAGE MARTINA'S SHOULDERS)
I know.

MARTINA: I can't let my fans down. Or my lover.
(CARESSES JUDY'S CHEEK)

JUDY: You could never let me down.

MARTINA: Okay, so you remember the signs?

JUDY: I think so. I'm not sure about this one, though.
(SHE DOES ONE OF THE SIGNS)
I don't know why we have to keep changing them.

MARTINA: Keeps it interesting.

O.S.V.: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the U.S. Open.

MARTINA: Just ask Billie Jean.
(JOGS OFF STAGE)

Lights fade out on scene and up on Narrator.

NARRATOR: The entourage, also known as Team Navratilova, included, at various times, some illustrious members. Billie Jean King, former tennis great herself, coached Martina and was a major influence on her game. Their respective careers moved along similar lines but their paths diverged in one important area: When faced with the proverbial fork in the road, Martina chose the high road and came out publicly, refusing to lie about her true nature, no longer willing to pretend that someday she'd marry a man. Billie Jean chose the low road admitting, when confronted, that she'd dabbled in bisexuality once but that it was an aberration, a mistake, something she'd gotten out of her system one time with one woman . Hey, Billie Jean, didn't they tell you? It's okay to be gay.
Renee Richards, formerly known as Dr. Richard Raskind, also coached Martina for a while but she had no such secrets. Her life and her sex change operation were already well documented. With a rooting section like that one Martina's name was guaranteed to be fodder for the press. Not that she needed the extra attention. I mean, Martina's skills and talent have always been so far above and beyond anything the tennis world had ever seen that she was bound to cause a lot of ink to spill. And the fact that she was "different" made her the object of a love/hate relationship with the press, the tennis establishment and tennis fans. Not everybody was pleased with this new, muscular, super athlete. Chris Evert was the sweetheart of women's tennis. She was a great player in her day but how boring ! Just stand on the baseline and hit the ball back and forth, back and forth. It's enough to put you into a trance. But, you know, she was so cute with her little pigtails and her two-handed backhand and her Florida sunshine smile and her entourage of citrus-sucking, Florida-dwelling, Anita Bryant-loving friends. That's a bit harsh, actually, I don't think she wore the pigtails for very long. But then along comes the newly buffed Martina with her exciting serve and volley game, her alternative lifestyle, her powerful strokes and those beautiful veins bulging out of her hitting arm. (SIGHS) Swoon! She was a sight for sore eyes, the light of our lives, a night with more sighs, I'd like a bite of those thighs.
(TAKES RACKET FROM PROP BOX)
There's Martina hitting that ball like there's no tomorrow, making incredible shots, beating everyone who dares face her one after another.
(SPEAKING RAPIDLY AS SHE GOES THROUGH MOTIONS WITH RACKET)
She runs to the net with the speed of a panther, backhand volley, forehand volley, smash! Behind the back, through the legs, eyes closed, eating a tofu burger with one hand, getting a manicure on the other hand, she's unstoppable! Game, set and match to Miss Navratilova! (SHOUTS) Places Team Navratilova!

Lights fade out on Narrator and up on scene. Judy, Renee and Billie Jean are sitting together facing the audience as if watching a match from the stands. Martina stands slightly to the side as if preparing for, and then playing, a match. SFX - Rackets hitting tennis balls.

JUDY: It's a little windy today.

BILLIE JEAN: It may affect her toss.

RENEE: (NOTICES SOMEONE IN THE STANDS)
Oh, my God!

JUDY: (ALARMED) What, what is it?

RENEE: Look over there. No, no no don't look.

BILLIE JEAN: For Pete's sake, Renee, I'm trying to watch Martina's warm-up. It's very important.

RENEE: I just saw somebody I knew (PAUSE) before.

JUDY: Before?

RENEE: Yes, before. You know, before the surgeons readjusted my body to its rightful state.

JUDY: Oh.

RENEE: Geez, we had a fling together. Her name is Paula.

JUDY: Well, she wouldn't recognize you, would she?

BILLIE JEAN: You had so many flings, Renee. I mean seriously who haven't you slept with?

RENEE: You. But as I recall you weren't very interested in hairy chests back then.

BILLIE JEAN: Tennis was always my passion. Didn't have much time for anything else. Until David.

RENEE: Why do you insist on sticking to that ridiculous story?

BILLIE JEAN: Martina's serve looks a bit slow.

RENEE: Right. Change the subject. As a transgendered woman I find your denial most offensive.

BILLIE JEAN: Don't start on me with those feminist politics.

RENEE: But you've been fighting for our rights for years. Didn't that include the right to love who we choose and to be open about it?

BILLIE JEAN: I've got businesses to think about. Consequences to worry about.

Martina signals towards them.

JUDY: (EXCITED) Martina just looked over here. I think that was one of the signs. Oh darn, I'm not sure.

BILLIE JEAN: (IMITATING THE SIGNAL)
This means I love you.

RENEE: Finally the truth comes out. But Judy's taken. For now.

JUDY: What do you mean for now?

BILLIE JEAN: Cut it out you two, the match is starting.

O.S.V.: Service to Miss Navratilova.

Judy, Renee and Billie Jean move their heads from side to side as if following the ball. Martina runs upstage and downstage swinging her racket. She runs to make a shot but doesn't reach it in time.

MARTINA: (PLACES HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND THROWS HER HEAD BACK, LOOKING UP AND SHAKING HER HEAD. SHE TURNS TO FACE THE AUDIENCE AS IF ADDRESSING THE UMPIRE.)
How could you not call that ball out? That ball was clearly out! Look at the mark, it was out!
(SHE GETS NO RESPONSE SO GETS BACK INTO POSITION AND PLAY IS RESUMED.)

JUDY: She's upset now.

RENEE: We've worked on her self-confidence too much to let this get to her.

BILLIE JEAN: Come on, Martina, loosen up, have fun.

RENEE: She'll have fun later at the party. If she wins.

JUDY: She can't go to the party. My son is flying in today and we're all having dinner together.

RENEE: But everybody'll be there.

JUDY: She can't have too many distractions. Besides we've been looking forward to this dinner for a while.

BILLIE JEAN: (WRAPPED UP IN THE MATCH)
Too much spin, too much spin. That forehand needs work.

JUDY: I'll book a practice court for tomorrow morning.

O.S.V.: Game, set and match to Miss Navratilova.

Martina mimes shaking hands with her opponent then waves to the audience. As she is doing this Judy, Renee and Billie Jean switch seats. Martina goes back to her original position and starts playing again. A new match is beginning.

RENEE: So, you think this Hungarian kid is gonna be tough?

BILLIE JEAN: She's been playing since she was 2. She's got the strokes, she's got the legs -

RENEE: But that hair has got to go.

JUDY: Surely Martina's experience -

BILLIE JEAN: We’ve worked on some new shots. A few surprises.

O.S.V.: We love you Martina.

JUDY: Isn't that sweet?

RENEE: The fan club's here. Judy do you realize that all those baby dykes are imagining themselves wrapped around Martina's thighs?

JUDY: I find their love very touching.

RENEE: I think touching is what they'd love to do all right. But whatever boosts her confidence is fine by me.

Judy, Renee and Billie Jean watch Martina again. She's hardly putting any effort into it. She stands in one spot and hits a shot behind her back then just switches her racket from hand to hand to make shots. Finally, an overhead smash ends the match.

O.S.V.: Game, set and match to Miss Navratilova.

Martina mimes shaking hands with her opponent then waves to the audience. As she is doing this Judy, Renee and Billie Jean switch seats again. Martina goes back to her original position and begins playing a new match.

RENEE: What a gorgeous day! We should go shopping after the match.

BILLIE JEAN: Whatever.

RENEE: I don't want to miss the sale at Barney's.

BILLIE JEAN: You don't really have to go bargain hunting,do you? You're well paid and -

RENEE: Hey, electrolysis isn't cheap, Ms. King.

JUDY: Martina and I can't go. We need some time to ourselves.

RENEE: You're always together! What do you mean time to yourselves? I swear you're turning her into a nun.

BILLIE JEAN: As long as she's playing at this level I don't care if she's Mother Superior herself.

RENEE: I refuse to be a part of this little convent fantasy, here.

JUDY: I was taught by nuns in grade school.

RENEE: That explains a lot.

BILLIE JEAN: Oh! Nice shot, Martina.

JUDY: Her forehand has really improved.

RENEE: We've worked on it enough. But her toss is still a bit off.

JUDY: I've already booked a practice court for tomorrow morning.

BILLIE JEAN: Good, good.

JUDY: And I'm preparing her favorite meal tonight.

RENEE: Does that come before or after you bathe her?

They watch Martina for a few seconds as she finishes the match.

O.S.V.: Game, set and match to Miss Navratilova.

Martina signals towards them.

JUDY: (EXCITED) Oh, I know that one!

RENEE: Yeah, that's the sign for "Please let me go shopping with my friends."

BILLIE JEAN: Another great tournament. She's practically invincible when she plays like this. As long as she stays focused...

RENEE: I guess my new shoes can wait.

Lights fade out on scene and up on stage narrator.

NARRATOR: On the homefront Martina and Judy seemed to be living a picture perfect life. Judy gave Martina a horse as a birthday present.
(TAKES TOY HORSE OUT OF PROP BOX)
"Hey, Judy, this nude bareback riding is great! Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh!" They skied at all the best resorts.
(TAKES DOLL WITH SKIS OUT OF PROP BOX)
"Hey, Judy, watch me do a triple backflip with a half twist holding my poles between my teeth. Weeeeee...." They jetsetted around the world doing whatever the rich and famous do.
(TAKES TOY AIRPLANE OUT OF PROP BOX)
"Hey, Judy, this piloting stuff is easy. Look at all these knobs. Loop de loop. Weeeee..." They seemed inseparable, joined at the hip, completely committed.(***) Martina and Judy cemented their bond when they started their own clothing line. Endorsements were harder to come by for Martina because of her sexual/emotional orientation, so they created their own line of tennis clothes. Martina, Judy and Judy's mother designed an outfit according to Martina’s specifications.

Lights fade out on narrator and up on scene. Judy sits sewing a crest onto a tennis shirt. She hums a song softly. Martina enters carrying a sports bag.

MARTINA: Hey, gorgeous what are you doing?

JUDY: Putting the finishing touch on this shirt.

MARTINA: Isn't your mother doing the sewing?

JUDY: I want you to feel my love every time you put the shirt on. Right on your heart.

MARTINA: (EMBRACING JUDY FROM BEHIND)
You're always in my heart.

JUDY: Besides, Ma sewed 'til her fingers bled last time. I thought she'd appreciate the help.

MARTINA: She wants me to look good. And of course, I do.
(RUMMAGES THROUGH HER BAG)

JUDY: You look good no matter what you have on. I'd have to say less is better in that department.

MARTINA: (STILL RUMMAGING) Where are my ski goggles?

JUDY: Third drawer down. Between gloves and hankerchiefs.

MARTINA: (WALKS UPSTAGE AND GETS GOGGLES)
You're incredible.

JUDY: If there's one thing I do well it's being a good wife.

Martina doesn't respond. She is still checking the contents of her bag.

JUDY: (CONT’D)I think.

Judy holds up the shirt she’s been working on.

JUDY: (CONT’D)There. All done.

MARTINA: (DISTRACTED) Great. Didn't you buy extra lip balm?

JUDY: I put one in the right breast pocket of your ski jacket.

MARTINA: Cherry mint?

JUDY: Of course.

MARTINA: (GIVES JUDY A PECK ON THE CHEEK)
Thanks.
(STARTS CLOSING UP HER BAG)

JUDY: Where are you going?

MARTINA: For a few quick runs. The snow is perfect today, I hear.

JUDY: Oh. Remember we have those distribution contracts to look over before the weekend.

MARTINA: Um hmm. I'm sure they're fine.

JUDY: (TRYING TO SOUND CHIPPER)
So, who all are you skiing with today?

MARTINA: (EVASIVELY)I don't know...just...the gang...you know...the usual ski bums.

JUDY: (NODDING)Jo, Sylvia -

MARTINA: Val -

JUDY: Cindy?

MARTINA: Uh...maybe...I'm not sure.

JUDY: She's always there.

MARTINA: (DEFENSIVELY) She works there so, naturally,you know, she's there a lot.

JUDY: I love you Martina. I don't want to have to worry about us.

MARTINA: I love you too, Judy.
(COMES CLOSE TO JUDY AND TOUCHES HER HAIR)
Don't worry about anything, okay?

Judy puts her arms on Martina's shoulders and they kiss.

JUDY: What would you say to a nice quiet dinner for two and then maybe a moonlit horseback ride?

MARTINA: Mmm... That sounds really nice. But I really should go now before it gets too late.

JUDY: All right, sugar, you get going so you can come back early for some sweet, homespun lovin'.

MARTINA: (STARTS LEAVING) Okay, I'll try to be early but I don't know with the traffic...

JUDY: Just be careful. Remember your knee.

MARTINA: I will. (SHE EXITS)

JUDY: (TO HERSELF) Maybe we can let you cheat tonight and have a nice bottle of wine with dinner.
(NOTICES A SMALL BOX ON THE FLOOR RIGHT BESIDE WHERE MARTINA'S BAG WAS. SHE SHOUTS TO TRY TO GET MARTINA'S ATTENTION AS SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE BOX.)
Martina, I think you...
(HER VOICE TRAILS OFF AS SHE PICKS UP THE BOX.)
...forgot something.
(JUDY HOLDS THE BOX WHICH HAS A COLORFUL BOW ON IT. SHE'S INTRIGUED, THINKING IT MIGHT BE A PRESENT FOR HER. SHE SHAKES THE BOX, LOOKS TOWARDS THE EXIT THEN EXCITEDLY OPENS IT. SHE PULLS OUT AN ID BRACELET AND READS THE INSCRIPTION ALOUD.)
To C love M.
(SUDDENLY, IT SINKS IN. JUDY REALIZES THIS IS INDEED A PRESENT BUT NOT ONE MEANT FOR HER. SHE STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD WITH A LOOK CONVEYING ANGER, JEALOUSY AND BETRAYAL.)

Lights fade out on scene and up on narrator.

NARRATOR: Was Martina having an affair at this point? If so, was it just one of many? Who knows? Certainly opportunities must have presented themselves. Does it really matter? No, not really. It's hard for lesser mortals like us to imagine a life like Martina's where ulterior motives and hidden agendas become such a concern. I guess Judy was already thinking about her future when she got a friend to draw up a contract. A non-marital cohabitation agreement it was called, and, of course, this agreement was the basis for the eventual lawsuit. Martina signed it, saying later that she didn't really know exactly what she was signing. Was Martina just too trusting? Was Judy just trying to make sure she got some of Martina's money once the relationship ended? This is the stuff that drove me crazy. And then Judy, queen of bad timing, files the lawsuit just when Martina is preparing for Wimbledon. Not just any Wimbledon, mind you, but her potential tenth Wimbledon victory. Can you imagine? Needless to say, she didn't win that tournament and I know people who still go into quasi-epileptic fits at the mere mention of Judy's name. She had the fury and outrage of the entire dyke community aimed at her. I'm amazed that Judy is still breathing and not floating at the bottom of the ocean in cement Birkenstocks considering what the wrath of an army of lesbians scorned can give rise to. But a broken heart is still a broken heart and Judy had hers broken by the best. I wonder how they feel about each other now that the dust has settled. Judy has said she'll always love Martina but Martina hasn't said much. The legal stuff was settled out of court and I don't think they've spoken to each other since. But what if somebody had locked the two of them in a room for a few hours before all this stuff became public? What if they'd had one last chance to speak honestly to each other without lawyers or family or friends? Could it possibly have turned out differently?

Lights fade out on narrator and up on scene. Judy is sitting on one of two chairs and Martina is standing.

JUDY: Can't we just talk?

MARTINA: Talk? It's too late for that.

JUDY: It's never too late.

MARTINA: My lawyers advised me to avoid all contact with you.

JUDY: Contact... There was a time when you couldn't have enough contact with me. When you couldn't keep your hands off me.

MARTINA: My lawyers -

JUDY: Since when do you listen to lawyers?

MARITINA: Since the person I trusted most in the world filed a lawsuit against me.

JUDY: Don't you think I deserve something?

MARTINA: (PACING LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL)
I can't stand being cooped up like this. I have to get out.

JUDY: We can't get out, Martina.

MARTINA: (ANGRY) Why not? Whose idea was this? It's a pretty sick joke and I want to leave now.

JUDY: You just want to walk away like you always do. Like you walked away from me and from everything and everyone else that you couldn't handle.

MARTINA: I can handle anything and don't you ever forget that.

JUDY: I've always known that. It's one of the things I love about you.

MARTINA: Don't talk to me about love.

JUDY: Why not? You loved me once, didn't you?
(LONG PAUSE)
We loved each other in a way I'd never known before.

MARTINA: And this is how you treat someone you supposedly loved? If that's love, I don't want it. Maybe it's just your idea of love and I never knew about it.

JUDY: You knew. When we stood in that church and made our vow to each other, you knew. You're the one who threw it all away when you slept with that tramp.

MARTINA: (SOFTLY) She wasn't a tramp.

JUDY: And you thought you could get away with it. Didn't think I'd find out.

MARTINA: I'm only human.

JUDY: Well, that would probably surprise a few people but not me. I've seen you when you were sick or injured or heartbtoken over a lost match. I cared for you, nursed you, loved you with such intensity I thought my heart would explode.

MARTINA: I think your head exploded instead. All this craziness you started.
(PAUSE)
What is it that you want?

Narrator runs into the scene and stops the action.

NARRATOR: Okay, freeze!
(MARTINA AND JUDY FREEZE)
(TO AUDIENCE)
We've reached a crucial point, here. (NERVOUSLY) This could go either way. (TOWARDS JUDY) The ball's in your court, Judy. How are you gonna play it? Go!

MARTINA: What is it that you want?

JUDY: I want you.

NARRATOR: (EXCITED) Freeze!
(MARTINA & JUDY FREEZE)
See, if she'd said that she could have changed everything. Maybe Martina would have relented, too and they'd have ended up in each other's arms instead of in court. But Judy didn't play it that way. (DEJECTED) No. Well, here, see for yourselves. (TO MARTINA & JUDY) Go!

MARTINA: What is it that you want?

JUDY: I want what's in the agreement.

MARTINA: You really, truly believe you deserve half the money, don't you? You've convinced yourself - Oh, what's the point? I won't talk about this.

JUDY: Something else you want to avoid.

MARTINA: Stop accusing me with that crap. And don't try to play the victim, it doesn't become you.

JUDY: It doesn't become me?

MARTINA: You're too smart for it, Judy.

JUDY: You know, it's pretty sad, but that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long while.

MARTINA: I shouldn't be saying anything to you.

JUDY: After seven years I don't think it's too much to expect to be able to have a simple conversation.

MARTINA: It's not simple anymore. You made sure of that.

JUDY: I refuse to take all the blame for this.

MARTINA: Who else, then? Did aliens invade your brain and make you do this?

JUDY: You're to blame, too. You were unfaithful.

MARTINA: (SARCASTICALLY) Well, just throw me in jail, then.

JUDY: I'm sure you'd be very popular there. All those lovely inmates fighting over you instead of cigarettes.

MARTINA: Very funny. Maybe there's a future for you in comedy.

Narrator enters from stage left.

NARRATOR: Wait a minute, hold on. What we've got here is a total communication breakdown.

MARTINA: So, now you're a shrink, too?

NARRATOR: I was hoping you two could have a nice,civilized conversation.

JUDY: We're way past that, it would seem.

NARRATOR: Don't you still love each other? Isn't there anything left to hold onto?

JUDY: Just memories.

MARTINA: (TO NARRATOR) You have to stop with this obsession you have. It's over! We're moving on, understand? You should, too.

NARRATOR: Yeah, but -

MARTINA: Hey, this means I can get out.
(STARTS TO EXIT)

NARRATOR: Sure, but don't you want to say anything else to Judy?

MARTINA: (OVER HER SHOULDER)
I'll be sending someone to pick up my books and the lawn furniture. (SHE EXITS)

JUDY: (FOLLOWS MARTINA OUT)
The deck chairs and the Anne Rice books are mine.

NARRATOR: Pretty pathetic, don't you think? It all comes down to plastic chairs and vampire books. Martina's right about Judy being smart, though. When she suspected that Martina was carrying on with an Aspen ski instructor Judy faxed someone she thought could answer her questions. She did it from Billie Jean's house and she signed the fax Martina, leading this informant to believe that Martina would be the only one to read it. She got the information she needed and she confronted Martina. Pretty underhanded you might think but still, a clever way to get the facts. I guess she's right about me being obsessed. Is it obsessive when these thoughts and questions carry over into your sleeping hours? Because I had this really weird experience the other night.
(TAKES PYJAMA TOP FROM PROP BOX AND PUTS IT ON AS SHE SPEAKS.)
I was lying in bed reading a magazine article about some benefit party which was attended by Martina and a handful of the dyke elite. I fell asleep and next thing I knew I was in this strange house.

As narrator makes her way over to stage left, the lights fade out on stage right and up on stage left. There are a few women mingling and party music (SEE NOTES) is playing.

NARRATOR: (CONT'D)And it's obvious to me I don't belong here but everybody's acting like everything is perfectly normal. They're offering me hors d'oeuvres and telling me I look great. Nobody seems to realize I'm in my pyjamas.

Miss Hulka, dressed in a track suit and wearing a whistle around her neck, walks over.

MISS HULKA: Do you have a note?

NARRATOR: What note?

MISS HULKA: That's what I thought. Five extra laps for you today, young lady.

NARRATOR: (SURPRISED) Miss Hulka?

MISS HULKA: Everybody has to wear the gym suit!
(SHE WALKS AWAY ABRUPTLY)

NARRATOR: What is she doing here?

Julie and Melissa walk over.

JULIE: Hi. You just missed k.d.'s song.

NARRATOR: Oh, really?

JULIE: She's great, isn't she?

NARRATOR: She's the best. (SELF-CONSCIOUS) I...I'm not really dressed -

JULIE: I love that outfit. A little too butch for me but it does wonders for you. By the way, I'm Julie Cypher. I don't think we've met. (THEY SHAKE HANDS)

MELISSA: (SHAKES NARRATOR'S HAND)
I'm Melissa -

NARRATOR: Melissa Etheridge! I...You...You're my biggest fan. I mean....

MELISSA: Thanks. We've never seen you on the circuit, before. Are you new in town?

NARRATOR: Uh, I just kind of...uh...the circuit?

JULIE: They normally round up the usual suspects for these things, you know? It's nice to see a new face.

NARRATOR: Is that Lily Tomlin over there?

MELISSA: Yup, the old guard is here, too.

JULIE: We don't see her around much. I guess she decided this was private enough.

NARRATOR: So, you really do all know each other!

MELISSA: Sure, we're just a bunch of big fishies in a small pond. Or a bunch of big dykes who don't give a damn. Get it? Dykes - dam?

JULIE: (TO MELISSA) Hey, look babe. Seems like Sandra found a willing audience.

NARRATOR: Sandra Bernhard? Oh, wow! But doesn't she always say she doesn't want to be labelled a lesbian? 'Cause that's pretty much all I see around here and word's bound to get out.

MELISSA: Well, whatever. This is an A list party and sometimes the occasion outweighs the orientation. Know what I mean?

NARRATOR: And she's talking to Martina?

JULIE: Talk? Ha!
(GRABS MELISSA'S ARM POSSESSIVELY)
She's doing the muscle routine, again. Come on, let's get a drink.

Julie and Melissa walk away. Narrator watches Martina and Sandra who are talking to each other.

SANDRA: (SQUEEZING MARTINA'S BICEP)
Wow, you really are pumped.

MARTINA: I have to be, now. With the young ones coming up, you know, you need an advantage.

SANDRA: I know nothing about tennis. It's like such a bourgeois sport, you know? White skirts, cute little ball boys, that referee person sitting up on a Lifeguard chair.

MARTINA: They're called umpires.

SANDRA: Whatever, I mean, it's all so polite, so noblesse oblige, you know? I like to watch boxing. Punches and blood and sweat and screaming, that's where it's at, man.

MARTINA: You've never been to one of my matches, then.

SANDRA: Honey, I gotta keep my white ass out of the sun.

MARTINA: You should come to Wimbledon. It's never sunny there. Ha, ha.

SANDRA: (FLIRTATIOUSLY) Well, honey, if that's an invitation...

MARTINA: Yeah, sure. I'll show you some strokes.

SANDRA: Now, I am definitely into that.

Martina and Sandra turn away. Narrator faces audience again.

NARRATOR: "I'll show you some strokes"? Do women actually fall for that?

Yula, wearing a flowing robe and antique jewelry, appears beside the narrator.

YULA: A surprising number of them have, kuklamou.

NARRATOR: (STARTLED) Oh, God I didn't think I said that out loud.

YULA: No matter. It is all in your eyes.

NARRATOR: You seem very familiar to me. There's something about you -

YULA: Ah, yes. That one works on a lot of women, as well.

NARRATOR: No, I - didn't mean -

YULA: Particularly the younger women. But when you have been, around as they say, as long as I have-

NARRATOR: Have you been on the circuit a long time?

YULA: This is a sporting term, yes? Circuit?

NARRATOR: I don't know. I mean, I guess. Dykes are always following women's golf and stuff.

YULA: A wonderful way to meet like-minded souls. Of course, in my time it was very different. We would meet and say: "Let us pick olives together in the shade, away from the others", and everything was understood. Nature took its course and love bloomed among the olive trees. I wrote a poem about this beautiful experience.

NARRATOR: Are you a poet? That is so cool. Wait a minute, poetry, olive picking... Are you Greek?

YULA: Yes.

NARRATOR: No, it can't be. Sappho? Okay, now I must be dreaming for sure. Are you Sappho?

YULA: A name given to me, yes, but I prefer Yula.

NARRATOR: Okay, Yula. I'm -

YULA: Yes, I know.

NARRATOR: How do you know are you a psychic, too?

YULA: I have been watching you.

NARRATOR: (UNDER HER BREATH) Great, I get to meet Sappho and I'm in my fucking pyjamas.

YULA: Something is troubling you, fili.

NARRATOR: Well, I - actually I don't really know how I got here and I'm not dressed -

YULA: You look lovely but there is something else, no?

NARRATOR: I'd love to hear all about you. What was Lesbos like?

YULA: As you would imagine any other island. Water, sun -

NARRATOR: Lesbians.

YULA: Yes, lovely, beautiful women.

NARRATOR: So, this must be pretty freaky for you, right?

They are interrupted by S.F.X. of motorcycle engine reving up. Sandra approaches them.

SANDRA: Bye, k.d.! Me-ow! She is such a stud.
(TO NARRATOR)
A Mizrahi scarf would be perfect with that. That's a bitchin' outfit!
(TO YULA , FIST IN THE AIR)
My beautiful, righteous, Grecian sister chillin' out. Right on! (LOUDLY) Hey, mademoiselle D.J. give us the funk, we want the funk.

Madonna's "Express Yourself" starts playing. Sandra contorts her face, covers her ears and walks away. Martina and Miss Hulka walk by narrator and part of their conversation is overheard.

MARTINA: - About thirty minutes of free weights -

NARRATOR: (TO YULA) I just don't get it.

YULA: You are attracted to the muscled one?

NARRATOR: No, no, I mean, well, kind of, I guess, but she's supposed to be happily coupled with Judy and she's been flirting all night.

YULA: You find this disturbing?

NARRATOR: Well, yeah, actually, I do. Don't you? How's the relationship supposed to last?

YULA: This seems very important to you.

NARRATOR: Hell, yes! Martina is a lesbian icon. We all want her to be happy.

YULA: She looks very happy tonight.

NARRATOR: Sure, everybody's fawning over her. And why shouldn't they be? She's a goddess.

YULA: She is a woman.

NARRATOR: She's no ordinary woman.

YULA: She has achieved greatness in her life but essentially she is like you and I. A lover of women.

NARRATOR: Being dykes is just about the only thing we have in common.

YULA: But that is truly wondrous, is it not, kuklamou?

NARRATOR: It ranks right up there with the Pyramids and flushable tampons.
(PAUSE)
But somehow the idea of Martina in a long term relationship is - oh, I don't know it's just more validating, I guess.

YULA: Do you mean that anything else is not valid?

NARRATOR: No, of course not. But we have so few role models that -

YULA: That you want to mold her into the image of what you wish her to be?

Arianna walks up to the other side of the narrator.

ARIANNA: Hi, there. Are you enjoying the party?

NARRATOR: (TURNS TO FACE ARIANNA)
Uh...ya. I was just talking to -
(SHE TURNS BACK BUT YULA IS GONE)
Hey, where'd she go?

ARIANNA: I'm Arianna. Everyone calls me Ari.

NARRATOR: It's the most amazing thing. I was just talking to -

ARIANNA: Yes, they're all here, tonight. It's like they travel in packs, you know? What's your name?
(SHE DOESN'T WAIT FOR AN ANSWER.)
I was just as wide-eyed as you are right now when I first joined the club, if you know what I mean. Have you met the Big Three?

NARRATOR: Who?

ARIANNA: The Big Three. The triumvirate. The Mother, the Daughter and the Holy Ghost, as I like to call them.

NARRATOR: I don't think so. But everybody's been really nice.

ARIANNA: The combined energies of those three in one room is enough to make a neophyte like you pass out. No wonder you look so nervous. I've seen that blank, glassy-eyed look before. But once you talk to them you'll snap out of it.

NARRATOR: Who exactly are you talking about?

ARIANNA: Martina, Melissa and k.d.!

NARRATOR: Oh! Well, actually I met Melissa.

ARIANNA: (NODDING) The Daughter. Very nice and easy to talk to.

NARRATOR: I've seen Martina, but -

ARIANNA: (NODDING) The Mother. Very popular.

NARRATOR: And k.d.'s already gone, I think.

ARIANNA: She's here one minute and then she disappears, that's why I call her the Holy Ghost.

NARRATOR: You know them all personally?

ARIANNA: Of course!

NARRATOR: Why do you call them the Big Three?

ARIANNA: Just about every dyke in this town has spent some time between the sheets with one of those three.
(PAUSE)
Actually, that's not really fair but the media has kind of latched onto them as if they're the only lesbians in the world, you know? And I'm sure you know that's far from the truth. Boy, the stories I could tell.

NARRATOR: (EAGERLY) Really?

ARIANNA: Unh, unh. Unless you're a major publisher willing to sign a lucrative deal these lesbo lips are sealed.

NARRATOR: You'd spill your guts for money?

ARIANNA: Darling, haven't you heard? We're all the rage, chic as can be. Everybody wants to be a lesbian or be seen with lesbians.
(MAKES A BIG, SWEEPING GESTURE WITH HER ARMS)
Ain't it grand? I'll let you in on a little secret. I was interviewed by both Time and Newsweek for their cover stories on what they called Lesbian Chic. But do you think my name or picture ever appeared in their articles? No! They dumped me for some Yuppie couple. I just didn't make the cut and I'm very bitter about it. Someday I'll show them exactly who's chic. Anyway, this is a great party. Come on let's dance.

Ari and the narrator move into the middle of the stage and start dancing. Miss Hulka dances over and blows her whistle.

MISS HULKA: (YELLING) You can do better than that! Come on swing those arms! You're dancing like a girl!

ARIANNA: You'd better do what she says or you'll get detention.

Narrator flails her arms about as she dances wildly. The rest of the women start imitating her until the entire cast is doing the same crazy dance.