Every transgender person comes upon the dilemma of disclosure more times that they care to mention. Whom do we tell? How do we tell anybody about the thing we do, which is dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex and taking on the identity of the person we truly are.

Another question is: "Why do we do it?" I remember many, many years ago, talking to a friend from Nova Scotia at a private party here in Ottawa. During our conversation, she related to me at great length that someone should know about the thing I did, just in case an issue, such as an emergency situation, came up.

As transgender folk, we become targets for hate crimes. This makes disclosure all the more important. If ever there is cause for an emergency phone call, a transgender person needs to be able to dial someone (a safe number) who will be able to respond to the crisis.

I pondered this statement for several weeks, thinking about what I would say or do were I to disclose to someone. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made because I was becoming a very visible person in the transgender community, and I was reaching out into the greater community. Disclosure became an issue I had to deal with.

Once I made up my mind about who to tell for the first time, the entirety of all possible negative scenarios passed through my mind (... or whatever mind I had). Will I lose my relationship with the person I told? Will the information change my friendships? Will I lose contact with my siblings and relatives?

We want to expand our horizons in the world we live and enjoy our new identity and self-worth. To attain the ideal situation, we have to tell one person... then another. The more people we tell, the less we have to lie about the mysterious thing we do. Becoming more comfortable about telling friends and relatives removes the huge weight of guilt from our shoulders. The more we venture out, the more the issue of education arises and we have to answer questions about our lifestyle.

When we tell a close friend, will it hinder that relationship or tear it apart? Questions, questions, questions... Each situation is different depending on the others’ need to know and how far out of the closet you are. Sometimes the reaction is positive.

Allow me to tell you a bit of my story...

I was divorced, living alone, had lost my job and was living on welfare (because of the thing that I do). Despite this, I was becoming a happier person, even though my life was at a stand still. Since I came out of my closet, I had a lot more friends and my daughter was asking why.

I made the choice to tell my daughter when she was twenty. It was burning a hole in my purse and brain to tell her. The urge was that great! It was what I had to do, just in case someone had to make a phone call on my behalf.

She had a thousand questions; my knowledge of the transgender lifestyle was limited to my personal experience, as well as to some books and articles I was able to find. This was over 25 years ago when there was no computer access to speak of for research.

My daughter moved away to another city, but we would talk on the phone every Sunday. During that time, I started taking hormones, yet I lied to her, telling her that I wasn’t... until she confronted me in person. I finally confessed to her that I was taking hormones and we both cried. I almost lost my daughter because I was so stupid. Several minutes later we held each other in unconditional love.

My son, who lives in another city, is also aware of the thing I do. He does not want to see me, although we do talk on the phone infrequently.

One of the questions my daughter had to ask: "Will I lose my father?" I will always be her dad, no matter what clothes I wear. It seems simple enough, but I didn’t realize how hard it is until I had to deal with the issue.

Parents can be the hardest to tell as they have their own views on the alternative community. Dad may hide and deny their son/daughter’s new identity and ask their child to leave, possibly banning them from the home, while mom may be wondering what they did wrong as parents to produce this "monster thing".

With some parents and spouses, the revelation could be viewed as a threat to their lives, their daily peace having just been crushed by the disclosure. You may become an outsider and rejected by your brothers and sisters. Family gatherings, Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthdays are lonely days for people that have told and lost.

On the other hand, you might have a sibling or a friend that already knows about the thing that you do, and who is willing to help you achieve your goal of living in your new identity, and eventually becoming a member of the family again. They might even become an ally to other friends you have made.

Be careful! Remember to ask yourself: "Why do I want to tell this person about my transgenderism?" It may be that you want to be honest about who you are. It might be a new romance or friendship. It could be an older relationship that just requires telling. We don’t have all the answers and we have all wrestled with this dilemma.

I have made mistakes and I have grown from them. I have passed the test of my new identity. I have survived.

Until next time. Ta Ta...