My earlest memories of dress up started in a four-room school house. That is correct: a four room school house. I was probably 6 or 7 at that time. The school lacked a lot of what are considered essential teaching aids by today's standards, but it did have a large wardrobe of clothes that the children used to play make believe.
Oh, I loved to play cops and robbers as well as cowboys and Indians. But on occasion I would dress up and play the part of the mother or sister and play house with the girls. I never considered this wrong, and in fact I enjoyed the feel of the clothes worn by the girls and enjoyed talking with them about such things as fashion—or what we considered fashion then.
One day I was told by the teacher not to play dress up with the girls anymore. This was something that good little boys did not do, she said. I was stunned and shocked, but having been raised to respect the authority of the teacher, I did not argue. I went back to playing cowboys and Indians, and played all the other macho games that the boys were expected to play. All that time I was jealous when I would see the girls having so much fun, while I was not allowed to join them.
I was 10 or 11 the next time I recall dressing up. Once in a while I would spend weekends at my grand-aunt's house. I enjoyed staying there. She always made the best meals. It was on one of these weekends that I realized I had forgotten my pajamas. I looked through my aunt's dresser and discoved a short slip that fit me well enough to sleep in. So I put it on and had a wonderful, relaxing sleep. From that point on, whenever I stayed at my aunt's house I would sleep in her slip.
Through out high school I would alternately crossdress and then purge. I bought some of my own clothes and experimented a little with make up. I was terrible at it and I am sure I must have looked like a clown. Then the purges would start. I would feel like a freak. I cried, I burned clothes, and I threw the makeup away—only to regret my actions months later. The urges to crossdress would return, only stronger, and I would start the cycle all over again.
I am strictly a heterosexual man. But for a long time I was not sure. Did these feminine feelings of mine mean that I had homosexual leanings? I was very confused. I was not attracted to men, so I could not understand why I had these feelings. I was always attracted to women and have always prefered their company over men's.
After high school I was determined to rid myself of all things feminine. It was the last major purge of my life. Or so I thought at the time. I enlisted in the United States Air Force: fought a war, learned to climb mountains, surfed, and in general did many macho activities. Some of these activities were quite risky and dangerous, but I was out to prove I was really a very maculine man.
I might mention that all during this time in my life I was never able to completely rid myself of my passion to wear women's clothes or the feminine feelings I had had in the past.
I enjoyed the company of many women and at one point was considered quite a lady's man by many of my male friends. I think the major reason was that I was communicating with the women on a level that they could relate to. I was the sensitive man of the 90's back in the 60's.
Over the years there were a couple of women who I fell madly in love with. As each relationship developed I thought about asking them to marry me.
Now I was faced with a dilemma: keep the crossdressing a secret or tell them of my love to dress and act like a woman?
Well, I thought it was only fair that they know the truth about me and so I decided not to keep it a secret. Both women I told were stunned, and though they both said that the dressing did not matter, we soon ended our relationships. I was very saddened by that and was determined that no one else would know my secret.
But about 27 years ago I met a woman who would change my life forever. I fell madly and passionately in love with this woman, and I was determined to marry her. It was not until after we were married that I found out that she was also determined to marry me as well.
How could I keep my secret from one I loved so much? One night I told her. Like the others, she said it didn't matter. I expected the relationship to soon end. But, to my surprise and delight, it did not. We have now been married for 25 years and we love each other more today than in the beginning.
For years after we were married I did not crossdress, except for an occasional halloween party. Then I started dressing more and more each month. My wife got scared and nervous. She thought this had something to do with her. Maybe she was not as attractive as she once was, she thought, or not enough of a woman. However, this was not the case at all. I reassured her of that fact.
She became somewhat supportive of my crossdressing. She would buy me clothes and allow me to dress in the confines of our bedroom. Little did she realize, that is until she reads this, that when she was away for a weekend I would dress up and drive around as a woman. That was an exilirating feeling.
A little over a year ago I logged on to the internet for the first time. The first search I did was for information on transvestites and then crossdressers. This led me on a wild search through out the net. I finally landed in a chat room that was filled with wonderful and caring people. To my amazement, here was a room filled with many people that thought just like me. I was welcomed into a sorority that I never dreamed existed.
Since that day I have been extremely happy with myself and have come out of my shell even more. I am dressing more and making plans to meet some of the people I have met online. I am even taking pictures of myself again. My only regret in this area is that I no longer have the pictures of a younger and much, much cuter Cricket. My wife also has learned a lot from the girls in the chat room. We all have remarkably similiar stories.
So that is my story. It is not the end but only the beginning. I do not know where I will go from here. I do know that I can no longer go back to hiding in a closet. There is not enough room in there anymore for me and all the pretty new clothes I have bought.
I do not know how many more years the Lord will allow me to live on this earth. I do know that I want to enjoy whatever time I have left. Part of this enjoyment will involve Cricket. Cricket needs to be able to grow and develop her own personality. I intend that she will be able to do this, and with the help and understanding of my wife, I believe it will be possible.
So come back and visit this page often and see how Cricket is progressing.
