10. You quit your job to counsel Elementary III
* Changed from original text; actual Camp phone number omitted for privacy
From the book
Top Ten Signs You're A Camp Bum
9. You stand and put your hand over your heart when you hear the Michigamme song
8. September is spent in a deep depression called "Camp Withdrawal"
7. You pack for camp 3 weeks in advance
6. While eating at home, you assign someone to hop
5. You put down the camp number for your business phone*
4. Your mail is forwarded to Camp from May through August
3. You wake up in the middle of the night and walk to your neighbors to go to the bathroom
2. You try to zip your sheets together
1. All your romances are Camp romances
'
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Having A Bad Time At Summer Camp
From July 7, 2000
10. Letters home signed "Prisoner #325"
9. Sounds disappointed when he mentions almost being bitten by a deadly snake
8. He's been roasting Prozac over the campfire
7. When you visit, proudly shows off tunnel he's digging under cabin
6. Camp director phones and says, "We're concerned about Psycho, I mean your son"
5. "Craft time" is 14 hours of making counterfeit Nikes
4. His name: "Jimmy"; his nickname: "Jimmy, the kid who makes the funniest noise when punched in the stomach"
3. Makes flashlight hand shadows using only middle finger
2. You ask to see picture of his friends -- he sends photo of a stick
1. He's lost 150 pounds, and he's not at fat camp
Signs You're at a Bad Camp
From July 17, 1997
10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle
9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms
8 At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull
7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits
6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and say, "Bon appetit, you little bastards!"
5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets
4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a giant mosquito
3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding
2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson
1 Camp motto: remember Waco
Signs You're at a Bad Summer Camp
From June 20, 1996
10. Every time you complain about being homesick, they make you eat a bottle of Prozac
9. It's located on the median of the Santa Monica Freeway
8 Each cabin is named after a different member of the Van Patten family
7. Bunk beds are all marked "Property of the Serbian Army"
6. The water level in the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet
You spend your entire day sewing Nike labels onto pairs of Air Jordans
4. Counselors end up having an 81-day standoff with the FBI
3. Have to toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust pipe of counselor's Buick
2. Introduction to Marksmanship class taught by Lyle and Erik Menendez
1. Camp's Indian name translates to "Land of the Giant Ticks"
Signs Your Camp Counselor is Nuts
From June 23, 1995
10. When campers arrive yells, "Welcome to Funky Town!" and starts pounding the Riunite
9. Has you make your own squirrel jerky
8 Announces, "we'll be training at this camp for 2 week & then off to Nam!
7. Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently
6. Whenever he tells ghost stories around the fire, he gets scared and wets his pants
5. The only craft he teaches you is check forgery
4. Even in restaurants he orders bugs and rainwater
3. He's this guy (VT of Healthy Herb from video collection)
2. Building a white Bronco out of popsicle sticks
1 Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines
These were listed in the book edition of The Late Show. The top ten lists that were aired on CBS were not exactly the same. To read the television versions as well as many other hilarious Top Ten Lists visit The Late Show With David Letterman Top Ten Lists.
