We all recognize the accomplishments of the great canoe builders of today and yesteryear, but there isn’t any reason why Joe Sixpack can’t join those ranks. All Joe needs is a plan, and access to the materials, and motivation -- and beer and cigars help too.
Without getting into high-faluting discussions about what side of the hill the best wood comes from or whether to clench the tacks so all the points face north or which pointy end of the canoe is the front, we’ll just start telling how to build yourself a nice canoe.
High on our list is aesthetics – you know your neighbor is gonna be right in you face the first time you bring your canoe out of the garage, so we want it to look just right! We are gonna go for the classy look of wood all the way! Head for your mother-in-laws (best to do this when she’s not at home) and go up to that upstairs bedroom that doesn’t get used – you know the one with all the junk and the linoleum sheet flooring that’s printed to look like wood.
Clear away all the junk she’s got there to the sides of the room so you have at clear shot at about a 6x12 area. Now is the time for the first of the mystical experiences – just look at that wood! Can’t you just close your eyes and envision yourself cruising down some peaceful river surrounded by a canoe you built yourself with wood that looks like this? No? Ok, wait, maybe the next mystical interlude will have your name on it.
Well, let’s layout this canoe: mark two points along one of the "boards" about 12 or so feet apart – you can drive a nail into the floor at these points. (That’s why it’s good that "she" isn’t home.) Then lay down on top of that board and stretch your arms out to both sides and mark those "boards" as the edges of your canoe. Now here’s the tricky part: from those nails draw a quarter of a circle – outward – to the edge boards. You’ll wind up with kinda v-shaped ends on a rectangle. Like this:
[view 1] Using your utility knife, cut out this shape from the linoleum. Roll it up. Remember to replace all the junk in the bedroom over the hole you cut into the floor. Take the roll out to the car. Don’t even bother to check the fridge before you leave, you know she never keeps beer in the house. Reflect for a while, examine your feelings. Gathering materials for a project! This is real essential stuff! Hmmmm…. Kinda makes you thirsty.
If you can clear enough stuff out of the garage, that’s probably the best place to work, although the neighbor will show up just like he always does when you are trying to work. And he’ll start asking questions and pointing out your errors…..a good mean dog would be nice to have now, failing that, just let the wife’s poodle out. You know the neighbor can’t stand it when Pierre starts humping on his leg.
Fold up the curved ends of the wood (hell, it looks like wood…..) and staple it together. Down in the bottom of the "V" you’ll have to use some duct tape to hold it together. Step back a look at the shape this beauty is taking on! If you folded both ends up in the same direction, congratulations! If you got the wood looking side inside, that’s good too. There were some problems with this step in early prototypes. This might be a good time to have a celebratory beer or two!
[view 2] As good as the canoe looks right now, resist the urge to slip away for a test paddle. There is still a lot of work to be done – most of it is just for looks, so we’ve got to forestall the laughing and taunts with a little more effort.
You can now trim the edges of the hull down to what you perceive a canoe to look like. Use your utility knife and cut away anything which doesn’t look like a canoe. If you keep the ends curved up like a canoe, it will cut down on the number of times you’ll be asked the stupid question: "What kinda boat is that?"
Put decks in the pointy ends now. Go over to where they are re-habbing some of the apartments in the projects and get one of the sink cut-outs from some of that wood grain formica countertop material. Trace the outline of the pointy ends on the chunk of counter-top and cut ‘em out. You can put some frilly stuff on the edge inside the canoe (just don’t break the blade (again) on the neighbor’s saber saw – he only had about a dozen in the case last year when you borrowed the saw.....maybe he bought some more but don’t count on it).
You probably want to put in a thwart now too. Send Junior into the house to get you a beer. Then while he’s gone go over to the corner of the garage and pick out the best looking of his hockey sticks there. Cut the handle off the stick to thwart length. Junior will be a little sore, but wait till you see the look on his face when you give him a ride in your new canoe. Staple or hot-glue the decks and thwart in for now – we’ll screw ‘em in later.
[view 3] This is the time to install the gunnels (I know about the spelling, but this is how I sez it). Start looking around for your leather work gloves. This may take a while. Try to find that half inch socket that rolled away last week too. OK, put the gloves on and pick up those wall-to-wall carpet tack strips which you just "found" over by the new houses going in down by the road to the mall. I hope you got the long ones. Take one and attach it to the outside top edge of the hull, start from the middle, use a drywall screw and screw it to the thwart. Screw it into the decks too. Staple the hull to the strip in between the thwart and the deck. Hack off the part sticking out past the pointy end. Do the same thing on all four quarters.
[view 4] Now would be a good time to have a beer. The cold can will help stop some of the bleeding from all those little pin sized holes in your fingers. I told you to use leather gloves, not those woolen ones. Make sure the bleeding is stopped before you go in the house and start rooting around in the linen closet for some old bed sheets to "canvas" this beauty with. The little woman will not show any compassion for blood on her towels and stuff. OK, turn the hull over. It’s getting pretty solid, huh?
Spread one of the sheets over the front half of the canoe and another over the back half. Let them overlap an inch or so and use your hot-glue gun, or your duct tape, or – if your neighbor has any you can borrow – a strip of that double sided carpet tape to join the two sheets together. Start pulling the sheets down onto the carpet tack strip. Damned if this isn’t the slickest way to "canvas" a canoe! This feels like another beer to me!
[view 5] We have to add a caution here. Be sure that you use only bed sheets. One early prototype was covered using a chenille bedspread and those little fuzzy things all over it caused at least a 90% decrease in top speed.
You’re gonna have some wrinkles here and there. By now – let’s see, it’s been about two hours and we’ve had about six beers – you will be able to solve slight problems with ingenuity and guile, and big problems with hot-glue and duct tape. So, with the "canvas" all on, and wrinkles smoothed, we can put some paint on her. We have determined that textured latex ceiling paint is best. It fills and paints at the same time, and if you use it all up you’ll have an excuse for when the wife wants that stain -- from the leak in the upstairs bath that always shows up on the living room ceiling -- covered up again.
All that’s left now is to install some caps on the gunnels. Here’s where you might have to invest some money, but seeing how much it will dress up the looks of the canoe, it’s worth it! Head over to Wal- Mart. You probably should pick up some beer too before the drive-through closes. Also, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to stop at the local for a quick one, just to let the guys know how well the project is coming. Brag a little, you deserve the credit!
The bathroom section of Wal-Mart has got some nice imitation wood plastic tubes which you can get to slip over aluminum shower curtain rods. Get a bunch of these – they are split down the middle -- you can just slip ‘em over the gunnels. If you can’t get to Wal-Mart, you might want to use some garden hose – slit it down the middle and pop it on over the tack strips. Seeing how garden hose doesn’t come in wood color, a coat of brown paint might be in order here.
[view 6] Some canoe makers like to install ribs at this point. That’s fine if you have some extra linoleum around. Some guys have even hot-glued in some wood grained venetian blind slats, but that is like gilding the lily.
Time for reflection again. Here is your connection with the great outdoors, built with your own two hands! It’s been some afternoon – from practically nothing you have produced a magnificent canoe and gotten a pretty good beer buzz too. I wouldn’t even think of selling mine, I know you are going to have a hard time getting rid of yours too.
