FAULT

SYMPTOM

ACTION TO BE TAKEN

Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face

Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect

Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear.

Glass is empty

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet wet and cold

Glass is empty.

Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

Feet warm and wet

Incorrect bladder control.

Go and stand next to nearest dog after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.

Bar blurred

You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

| Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Bar Swaying

Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match

Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Bar Moving

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if you're not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the salvation army.

You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights

You have fallen over backwards

If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put

Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends

You have fallen over forwards

As for falling backwards.

Everything has gone dark.

The bar is closing

PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

You have spent the night in the gutter

Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.