My "So Called"Part 1

Why Im writing this I don't know. Why I have the will to keep living I have no clue. I guess I don't want to hurt those around me. For my life has been hell. Medical problems up the ying yang. Emotions flooding my mind. A mind that knows much but in which brings hell. For all that I know I never understand what I want to. Instead I just get worse. I live with a hole in my life with no known plug. It makes me think nothing and feel everything. There is nothing I can do to find the plug. I have searched and found nothing. Day after day I seek an answer. After a while I found all but an answer. Answers are what I seek but hell is what I find. I'm coming to a point where I can't see it worthy of looking anymore. For when I see something I might find as an answer of plug, it settles in and then is ripped out only to make my life worse. I have been probed, proded, toyed with, made fun of, and much more. It makes no sense to me why or why I have searched so long to find nothing. I guess I still need to find some real sign of hope. For once, what sense of hope I had is gone. And now, it is gone again. For any who read this, welcome to my HELL. Writing is my only way of releasing what I feel. That is why I wrote my poems like "A Spirit Broken" and "The Power of Man". As well as "A Letter of Hope". And now I have only myself to talk to about this for my parents would be upsetand I don't want that. I have friends but I have no idea how they would react for one person is different than another. I have litterally felt alone for quite some time despite the fact that I have many around me. Welcome to my life of insanity. There has to be an answer somewhere. I guess despite all this I just have to keep looking.