My "So Called"Life-Part 2

Wow I don't know what to say. As I sat home I had my last sense of what my life was taken away. So now I am searching in a new way. My security was stolen spirit, so I have decided to search by my own way of spirit. I recently asked a medicene man known as Bearded Wolf from the cherokee nation, (which is of my own nationality) about becoming a medicene man. I now angry, sad, puzzled, and at the same time taking the challenge of balancing myself as Bearded Wolf has described. And so I must watch now what I so, say, and even how i act. I recently was ripped apart by my ex-girlfriend, for she asked me out again and then dumped me because of how "I" was acting. Stuff that had happended days before she initionally dumped me was supposevly the cause. Why ask me out again? Why stab someone in the heart then pull it out again to let it heal only to rip their heart completely out right afterwards. And then offering to be friends is a deadly game for it is like saying "Oh, i'm sorry, here is your heart back, can you reattach it before you die?" Oh now there is a great way of trying to replace what was lost. Why cause such pain to someone then try to be merciful in a common and sometimes selfish way? For such an offer is made more to reduce the guilt of the offender than to be kind to the person who feels bad. For all who read this, welcoome to a world of thought where everything is questionable, and the answers would get you hardly anywhere despite how true they may be. Having everything taken away feels as is you are not even exsisting. A head of thoughts and feelings, and your spirit and soul just gone. Wandering this world or the next I have no clue, for even though I try as hard as i can to stay a true human being and not a shell of hate and chaos, I feel as all who mee me feel as if I am that which I strive no to be. Death has been a consideration, but my care for those around me, (even the one who dumped me) keeps me from really wanting to do it. I have no sign of hope now, it was lost Saturday. So now I must search again. This tiresome job is hard and it is driving me out of my mind. I wish I at least had hope or help in doing this. For all who read this, welcome into my reality.