STAR WARS scrip

It's a well known fact that when George Lucas made the original star wars movie in 1977, much of the dialogue was improvised by the actors on the spot. Recent research is bringing to light that this is because the movie was written in the middle of a writers strike. The full effect of this can be seen in this, the original script. I want to make it totally clear that this is, in fact, the original script, and is in no way anything I wrote in 45 minutes on the bus between Toronto and Kitchener.

cast
Darth Vader (DV)
Governor Tarkin (GT)
Princess Leia (PL)
Luke (L)
Han Solo (HS)
Chewie (Ch)
C3P0 (C3)
R2D2 (R2)
Uncle Owen (UO)
Obiwan Kenobe (OB)

Openning scene - ship being chased. On board R2D2 and C3P0 are running from lasers.
C3: Run away!
Troops come aboard, and Darth Vader shakes a soldier by the neck.
DV: See how evil I am?
Soldier: no?
DV kills him.
Down on planet.
C3: [waves arms] Run away!
R2: Let's split up
C3: Ok.
Storm troopers come.
ST: [picks up ring] Look, people were here. See, they left these novelty sex toys.
Other ST: Oh, those are for recreational purposes only. They aren't safe.
ST: Oh.
R2: [gets zapped] oops.
C3: Oh, look, a transport. I wonder if they have directions. [on transport]. Ooops.

UO: Hey, how much for those droids?
Jawa: 50 bucks
UO: Ok.
L: I'm bored.
R2: Run away!
UO: Farming is cool.
L: No way dude! Hey, where's R2? [goes and finds Obiwan Kenobe]. Hi. do you know where I can get a better hair cut?
OB: [lowers hood].
L: Nevermind. How about you teach me to do cool stuff instead.
OB: Ok, but yoda knows this stuff more than me. But here's a cool toy.
L: Cool.
OB: [to Han] Can you fly us away?
HS: Ok, but only cos it looks manly [shoots greebo]
Chew: You can't even see my face in this. I want to call my agent.
Bug eyed snail monster: You think you have problems.

On the death star.
Gov Tarkin: Bitch
PL: snot head
GT: Bitch
PL: Snot head.
DV: Hey Tarkin, you think I'm evil, right?
GT: Shut up bitch
DV: Snot head.
GT: Where are your friends?
L: Snot head. [cut to interogation room. Zoom in on needle of interogation droid]
L: Oh no! A snot injector!

Millenium falcon gets shot at as leaves planet.
HS: Cool.
L: dying is bad.
HS: ok. [jump to hyperspace, get sucked into death star]
HS: Shit.
OB: Let's hide.
HS: Ok.
[they come out of hiding]
OB: Let's escape.
Chew: Ok.
HS. Wise guy.
They go to the control room.
R2: Hey, there's a hot chick in prison here.
HS: hubba hubba.
Detention block.
HS: Violence is cool.
Guard: Really? [shooting]
Luke goes to PL's cell.
L: Hey hot chick, come to dada.
PL: Isn't your cod piece a bit small for a storm trooper?
L: Whatever.
Trooper at end of hall: Hey, violence IS cool. [shooting]
They jump into the garbage masher.
HS: I'm siiiinging in the rain.
L: I need a bath [submerges]
HS: Lazy ass. [shoots water]
Walls start closing.
PL: Omigod, this is like a totally cool diet or something.
R2 switches it off and they escape.
PL: Oh well, we'll just have to loose weight the old fashioned way [they run around with ST's a bit].
Luke and PL come to chasm and swing across
L: Weeee.
PL: That was cool, but I still won't put out on the first date.
OB: I wonder what this button does? [click].
OB walks around till he meeds DV.
DV: Oh hey, OB 1.
OB: Hey.
DV: Play with me.
OB: No.
DV: Play with me.
OB: No.
DV: Oh, come on.
OB: You suck. [they fight]
OB: Ok, that's enough. I'm bored now. [holds up light saber, DV kills him]
L: Hey, Can I play too? [starts shooting ST's]
HS: [on board M.F.] Luke, you're hot chocolate's getting cold.
L: Coming!

In the briefing room.
Briefer: The other guys have this toy that's bigger and cooler than ours.
Pilot: Let's blow it up.
B: Ok, but we'll do it cool, with lots of shooting.
assembled pilots: ok.
P: [to luke] Didn't we already blow one of these up?
L: No, you're thinking of episode 6. That hasn't happened yet.

Big dogfight outside Death Star. Pilot starts flying down the trench. DV is behind him.
P: nyah nyah, you can't catch me.
DV: Yeah, well you suck. [shoots him].
L: This sucks.
HS: Hey, why can't I play too? [shoots DV]
L: Hey, look at that. [shoots torpedo, DS blows up].

Cut to landing deck.
All: Party on the deck, oh yeah.

HS and L and Chew walk up the aisle between lots of soldiers.
PL: You were naughty and blew up their toy.
L & HS: We're sorry.
PL: Ok. Play nicer next time.
R2: Hey, don't be such a bitch.
PL: Yeah, I'm sorry. That was a cool explosion. Here are medals.
All: Yaaaay.

THE END. Music plays. Voice over:
DV: Can I go home now already?
GT: No.
DV: Woha, that's waaay evil.