About Me, Part Three
1999
Big Changes
Not much new at first, with the girlfriend thing dead and fighting with my other friends, battling just to see them... By the time she finally agreed about trying to see me, I had given up (June) and wasn't that interested... ironic eh? Of course this group of friends has had so many things happen to them over the course of this year I think even a soap opera would reject a script based on the events in their lives - as too unrealistic! ... Incidentally as of Jan 2000 I still haven't seen them. However, the jerks they hung out with last winter are pretty much gone... some of my complaining got through it seems, Jen went from a big loose group of ppl to a tight-knit little group of only 3-6 people at a time. Now that it's December, I could if they ever get their acts straightened out, go see her and quite probably wear anything I wanted... I even tried to go out with the one girl in the group, but unfortunately another guy she had to go with to go to an event everyone else was going to.. got drunk and attacked her afterwards, pretty much ending any interest on her part in any guy for a while.
The girl I went with, last December, what a mess. I don't know to this day what the *REAL* story is.. about February I ran into her and she claimed she left me because she was a lesbian and her lover came back from overseas. That was supposed to make me feel better. NOT! I reamed her good eventually and haven't heard from her since. Amazingly her friends thought it was perfectly okay to do what she did.... a bunch of jerks I guess.
Biggest change of all is what I started doing in April.... one club downtown is an anything goes place, gay-owned and operated. I was there once between college semesters, but it had been some time... so one night in April I steeled up some nerve, picked out an outfit and ended up going down there... I've been a regular off and on ever since. I've made a few friends, I have tons of clothes, tons of practice making myself up, and you can see the results on the pictures page... Everything you see there was all my doing, my clothing choices and my make-up and hair. I had a few false starts with people, one girl I was crushing on who was bothered by it, okay that's fine but she can't tell me there's a problem, acted pretty stupid about it... so I not only don't talk to her, I ignore her just about completely. That was mid-summer. I've had people give me numbers and things, I talk to a lot of people there.
I've even fooled a few people, one night in the bathroom a girl stuck her head into the mirror I was using to fix her earring and excused herself.. I said it was all right, and she looked, and looked... she didn't realize I was a guy until I spoke. I used to get hit on fairly regularly too, asked to dance and things, always by men... although lately I think I have turned down, ignored, and walked away from them enough that anyone who would try to has given up. Which is fine with me, I'm just not into men... although recently I spent a night being kind of picked on by a couple of the older members of the TG crowd down there, because I was "a virgin" .... One of them thought I "looked like" one so they asked me. Technically by some definitions I'm not, but what they asked when I said that was "have you ever slept with a man?" Obviously not. So I was a virgin. While I don't like to admit I messed with the one girl at college, that was one night I would have said something... but I really didn't know *what* to say, so I kind of sat there and laughed until they went off to the bathroom, then I kind of kept my distance. It wouldnt have been so bad but there was some oldish gray-haired dude who was horny for a woman that wasn't all woman, apparently, and none of them wanted him. So they were trying to hook me up... hell even if I did want a guy I wouldn't touch this guy. Thing is if I was going to be with guys, I'd be a total bitch about it.. they'd have to be trophy guys, young, making good money, handsome, etc. I'm fussy enough with women, with men I'd be about 10 times as fussy. That's another reason I'm not interested in men... Another reason is because I'm friends with guys who could fit the bill, and it just doesn't do anything for me. The things that I would want to do with a girlfriend, I can't even imagine with a guy in the least. Other friends there have accepted me as being straight, it's kind of ironic... The younger people I'm friends with either asked or I was able to be obvious about it with, and they've accepted, while the older TG crowd were the ones to assume and stereotype me... you'd think it would be the other way around. I will give them one thing, when it started it was about 2:00 (Last call) and all of them had had plenty to drink.. while drinking's not normally an excuse for things, my suspicion is that was why this happened, cause normally particularly the one is a lot nicer. The others I don't know as well, and I'm leaving the names off to protect the innocent. I have one other person who's tried to invite me to things and thinks I should hook up with a guy... I haven't called or visited, so I'm wondering if she will get the point.
Actually I haven't really called anyone from there but for Nikki, even though I have like 5 different numbers. One thing is I find except for when I am shopping for stuff, or actually there, I'm just not into it... maybe it comes from kind of leading a double life. I just don't think about it, and I am so busy with work, talking to my other friends, and sleeping that I never get a chance to think about it. Nikki I hardly ever see lately, so I've been meaning to get a hold of her and I keep forgetting to even do that.
My mother has even paid for a few things lately, some shoes and some tops and skirts, when a local department store closed I got some major deals.. I even bought a couple of cute dresses out of the girl's department that fit me. Wore one a week before Christmas; the picture didn't come out well though. I have tons of clothes, only a few things have I ever worn there twice. I mix and match things around, too. When I did my Britney outfit I already had some of the stuff I needed.. and the shoes especially I've worn a ton of times since; same with the lipstick. I buy usually at Wal-Mart or other discount stores, and I still get a lot of complements from girls on the things I wear... I just go in and buy, I know my sizes pretty well and what I can get away with.
One thing I like is how many things I've learned about women in all this time. What it feels like to be hit on or get unwanted attention from men, feeling vulnerable just trying to go from the car to the club... all sorts of things that a lot of guys would never know because it's difficult to know unless you walk in the shoes. Which even that can be a pain in the butt sometimes - my white pumps with the big heels an example. I go out once or twice a week and sort of get my fix, and that's all I need... I could probably do more in the right circumstances, but I'm pretty happy on that front. Now I just need to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life; my part-time job isn't going to last forever, and I can't imagine doing this full time... even though it appears I could pass until I spoke, I just wouldn't want to do that here. I don't even know what I would want for a career, I'd be happy I think if I married someone and she made the money and I stayed home.... but that's not a reasonable expectation when I date once a year in a good year, so
Hopefully I won't be so lazy with the next updates for this page, but this is updated for January 12, 2000.