2000, 1 hr 57 min., Rated PG-13 for intense sci-fi action.�Dir: Roger Christian. Cast: John Travolta (Terl), Barry Pepper (Jonnie Goodboy Tyler), Forest Whitaker (Ker), Kelly Preston (Chirk).

I have never been more aware of my sore ass than I was watching Battlefield Earth. Of all the movies in all the land, this is one of them. Yes, but one must also mention that it is one of the worst pieces of dung ever made in the history of film.

It is laughable, not really ha-ha but more a chuckle while shaking your head, that John Travolta managed to convince Warner Brothers to launch an enormous ad campaign the last few months, instead of quietly releasing the film in less than 2,500 theaters and hope the tide passes. No such luck.

Earth opened with a phenomenal dud that has to leave a cheshire cat-like grin on the face of Kevin Costner, no longer burdened with the Waterworld and The Postman debacles. At least Costner's vehicles, though, had some camp value, a chance to be regarded as a "popcorn" flick with the likes of Armageddon or Con-Air, films that aren't well written yet are still fun to watch for the most part. Not so with Earth.

Travolta's dedication to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is tripe in the worst way, painful to sit through and a sad spectacle of stupidity. The filmmakers must think that the audience has the IQ of lemurs. Then again, maybe we do, since it would be just as worthwhile to jump off a cliff as to watch Earth again.

So humanity is almost extinct. We're living like Neanderthals in caves or nomads in wandering the country in hiding from the "demons." No one has actually seen one, yet the love interest of our hero tells him near the end that she always knew it was his "destiny." What? To free humanity by defeating an alien race they never even knew existed until a month ago?

This brings me to the last hope, the savior of mankind, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, a.k.a. The Pretender. This is a Neanderthal who learns, via the Psychlos, mind you, all about the universe and his enemy and is apparently even given manuals on how to do anything as well. Days before Jonnie was riding horses in search of food, now he can fly spacecraft and Harrier jets with ease, avoiding alien radar (if they even have any) while flying to Fort Knox to raid the vaults of gold -- that had its doors left wide open -- that the Psychlos somehow overlooked while stripping the earth.

Not only is Jonnie the Pretender, he reminds one of Neo in The Matrix as well, capable of avoiding hundreds of blasts from the alien weapons, as the columns around him are obliterated (sound familiar?) At least in The Matrix Neo was shot at first, unable to completely avoid the bullets. Not here. Our Neanderthal hero can dodge blasts and crash through ten panes of glass with nary a cut. Of course, I don't have to mention that the scene looked a hell of a lot cooler in The Matrix.

I refuse to believe that in the Waterworld earth no one ever found the dry land, or that there are no others in the future of Logan's Run (admittedly one of my guilty pleasures). Similarly, I am absolutely dumbfounded that the Psychlos of Earth conquered billions of humans on earth, set up a huge greenhouse in Denver, then left a few dozen personnel in charge while leaving the rest of the planet alone. Are there are no other Psychlos on earth? At least in Independence Day (in which many elements of Earth can be compared) there is some lip service, a 30-second blip, to countries uniting to defeat the aliens.

There are levels to suspending one's belief. Randy Quaid's transferring from a crop-duster to an F-16 in Independence Day was silly, but Neanderthals learning to fly a Harrier jet in less than a week is pathetic and downright insulting to the intelligence of every moviegoer.

In no way could this race of Colonel Klinks defeat human forces in nine minutes. If humanity lost out to these goons, then maybe we don't deserve to control the planet.

Do you want a cushy job? Work in security for the Psychlos. As humans flee bondage and run around the streets like a peace rally in 1969 Berkeley, the security forces were huddled in an alley shooting the breeze, probably playing cards and eating burritos. When they're not not doing their jobs, they sit in what can only be described as the Star Wars cantina. At least in Star Wars they had a cool band.

Are we supposed to be afraid of these guys? They look like a cross between Rastafarians, Klingons and Coneheads (except for the one with a face like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs) and walk as if something large is up their tailpipes. For such an advanced species, you'd think they'd learn personal hygiene and brush their teeth, wash their hair or just take a shower once in a while. Along the same line, these guys fly some junky ships. Imagine that everyone in the U.S. still drives a rusted '74 Monte Carlo with black smoke coming out of the exhaust and you get the idea.

And if one, ONE atomic bomb can destroy the entire Psychlo planet (forget spoiler warnings, don't see it and you won't care anyway), how many dupes are in the galaxy that no one else could beat such a hapless race of beings? Upon the supposed glorious moment of humanity's victory, I heard laughter from the audience as we all (about two dozen guys) looked around and shook our heads in amusement over our shared anguish at sitting through this tripe.

I could never speak ill of Forest Whitaker, so I free him of all obligations to this film. I can only guess that he lost a bet to Travolta and was forced to be a sidekick.

I like you, John but oh, John, John, John, how far you have come in the last decade. A career reborn with Pulp Fiction has come to this? Sure I'm a Christian but you don't see me rushing to spend $80 million on an epic dedicated to Martin Luther. If you're going to pay homage to one of your heroes, at least do it right!

Travolta's Terl is annoyingly bad, with a whiny shrill voice accentuated by an even worse laugh that is somehow intended to be threatening. I suppose it's the best John could do to proclaim, "Look, I'm evil!" No, John, you're about as scary as Barney Fife.

If there was ever a movie that a director should abandon, it's Earth.. That Roger Christian didn't pull an Alan Smithee is beyond me, because the look of the film was just as blah as the dialogue. With seemingly little connection between scenes, Christian employs a wipe from the center of the screen, a-la Star Wars. The editor can take the blame for this, also.

The look of the movie was drab and full of dark greens and darkness in general. The action was boring, but at least it was bone jarring loud! Hurrah for sound! This does not transfer to the score, though, which reminded me of a soundtrack for "Stomp", minus the addictive rhythm and sense of choreography.

Let's run through a small list of the dozens of dialogue miscues in Earth:

• A lookout informs our hero that the enemy is approaching quickly, only to pan down to a group of Psychlos casually strolling down the promenade with guns displayed. It sure didn't look like they were in a hurry to me. Of course, with the size of the boots those guys wear, even rock group KISS would say to wear some tennis shoes instead.
• The Neanderthals, who have lived in caves their entire lives with little food to eat, somehow grasp the phrase "piece of cake."
• The words "ratbrain" and "crapheads" were used multiple times, by the supposedly demonic aliens. Can you imagine the dialogue that was edited? Were we relieved from hearing such colorful terms as "asswipe" and "butt-munch"?
• As Jonnie flees the Psychlos, his injured friend mutters "forget about me!" Gee, never heard that before.
• In the grand tradition of "And a monkey might fly out of my butt", Travolta says "and I might grow a third arm!"
• There must be a Federation of Planets for these guys, because Travolta keeps referring to "The Academy" and "The Home Office," which to me is where David Letterman's Top 10 lists hail from.
• Even though the humans have never seen a gun, the first time they hold one everyone knows to "shoot" at the enemy.

That's it, folks, not much of a reason to rush out and pay money for Battlefield Earth unless you're looking for a reason to believe that humanity is doomed.