2001, 1 hr 55 min., Rated PG-13.�Dir: Tim Burton. Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Estella Warren, Kris Kristofferson, Charlton Heston.

Looks like we now know what happened to the smart monkeys set free at the end of Matthew Broderick's Project X!

Before you get worried, I am not going to reveal anything about the ending, and this is the last time I'll mention it.

Tim Burton calls the new Planet of the Apes a "re-imagining" of the classic starring Charlton Heston. So it's not a remake, it's not a sister, it's maybe a cousin. Either way, I was pretty daggum darn disappointed. Maybe I'm just a sucker for the original or maybe I was right to be bored in many places, but too many times I found myself laughing AT, not with, the film. The action sequences were generic and not at all suspenseful, and I couldn't even mouth one beat of the movie score right now it was so forgettable. And the score is an important part of the original.

The 1968 original had such biting social commentary that it really helped make Heston�s POTA the hit it should have been. The attempts in Burton's "re-imagining" were fairly lame and just retorts he overheard at the last Hollywood social-cause-of-the-week fundraiser. I'm sure PETA will adopt this film as their own, until they remember that there's a big difference: even I'll admit that things would be different if primates could talk, but they don't.

The female apes were made a little too "pretty", but overall the makeup and actions of the apes were well done and as realistic as I could imagine. But the filmmakers need to decide how to make the actors inside audible, because too many times I had to think about what was just said. Of course, maybe Wahlberg's a simian too, because many times his mumbling wasn't all that discernable, either.

As for the acting, Tim Roth's entire role consisted of snarling and growling, and was very much over-the-top. Wahlberg was fine. He�s just repeating himself from every other film. Former Canadian synchronized swimmer team member Estella Warren is yummy eye candy, but I can see why they didn't let her do much acting. She's not very good at it. The humans talk in this new version, but there's no reason for them to. When Nova says "Tay-lor" in the original, those two syllables are more powerful and meaningful than any of the throwaway dialogue by the primitive humans in Burton's work.

For the first time in her career, I could actually stand Helena Bonham Carter in a movie. Too bad she had to be hidden under a monkey suit to do it. Why even pay Michael Clarke Duncan the money it took for him to be head army gorilla? You wouldn't know it was him unless you checked the credits, and the role was so wooden that I could have picked out a 6-5, 300 lb. guy making minimum wage at McDonald's to do the same thing.

Because of all this, or because of the dialogue or Burton's style, I didn't connect with any of the characters. I couldn't even remember their names save Tim Roth's, and that's only because it's spelled out for you (literally).

Overall, if you see Planet of the Apes as pure summer science-fiction popcorn blockbuster fun, more power to you. Go ape sh*t with my blessing. If you're a big fan of the original and care about script and acting, you may commiserate with me later over a banana split.

The verdict:

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