Warning: Spoilers galore!

I don't care about allegories, symbolism, whatever. I am blown away by good storytelling, plain and simple. Lord of the Rings has succeeded in doing so through a fantastical mythical world, featuring grand characters, riveting action, and in what in the wrong hands could be cheesy, yet under director Peter Jackson is completely sincere devotion to loyalty, bravery and honor, and even a love story. (Don�t forget the girl power, supplied by Powerpuff Eowyn, Miranda Otto!)

I like to think that Peter Jackson is much more amped to read that I have become such a LOTR geek than someone who memorized the books. Why? Because he knew they'd love it; he couldn't be sure that the rest of the planet would react so positively. The movies have propelled me into a Gollum-esque insane quest to read all things Tolkein, beyond just the three LOTR novels.

I also had a distinct advantage over those who read the books: I went into Return of the King without knowing any bit of how the story wraps up. I had no clue what would happen, and avoided any possible spoiler in anticipation, and didn't even want to watch the trailers for fear of seeing a plot point that I wished to be a surprise.

I was not disappointed. Epic in reach, scope and execution, Return of the King is fleshed out as much as possible in the short 3 hour and 12 minutes Jackson had to work with. I so enjoyed the journey during Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers, getting to know the characters and their Middle-earth world, I didn�t want it to conclude.

Speaking of journeying, Lord of the Rings was tops among Appointment Cinema. Get thee to Nashville, where I saw it with Scott and his friends Jeremy and James. Pardon my pride, but I managed to make it through the 3 � hours without having to use the bathroom, or even hold it in! God blessed my bladder, and I give Him thanks.

With all that is overwhelming about the trilogy and how impressed I am at Peter Jackson�s work, Return of the King is still my third favorite of the trilogy. Note that I didn�t say �least favorite,� because even as third best, it still blows away most everything in movie history.

I am even happier to say that most of the qualms I had after the initial viewing of ROTK (�Survivor: Mordor. Outwit, Outlast, Outplay, Outlive.�) were allayed by a second viewing. Almost every single little thing that I questioned felt better upon this repeat show. Maybe it was just the immense scale upon the first examination, I was overwhelmed by how much was involved.

Only one teeny bit still left me rolling my eyes. I didn�t like the orc�s line, �He�ll wish he were never born.� It took me right out of the movie with a quote that is sooo fifth-grade-playground. Why not, �I�ll knock you so hard your ancestors will feel it!� Later, Mr. Clich� orc says, �I�m going to bleed you like a stuck pig.� Why not stick to the Proper English of Tolkein, and make it sound that more intense, such as, "I will poke this dull blade within your belly, doth making your red blood spill like the Nimrodel river."

As I checked off any initial worries with the movie, instead this time I started jotting down the things I loved, which left my notepad full, so much so that I had to start writing on the cardboard piece back cover. The graphics are unbelievably impressive much more often than they take you out of the movie by noticing them. There are scenes that had the audience clapping, crying, and a gasping congregation inhales all of the air in the theater when Shielob stalks Frodo.

Some of the negatives, all very minor but I want you to know why this is my third favorite of the trilogy:

• I would rather Sam had pushed Gollum into Mt. Doom with the ring rather than the �accidental� fall during a struggle, but I guess that�s how Tolkein wanted it to end.
• Having seen the first two movies so much, some of the dialogue and themes started to get repetitive in my initial viewing. I didn�t notice this on my second go �round.
• The FX of the dead ghost riders just didn�t look quite right as they took to battle in Pelennor Fields.
• One too many �horrified female screams� as catapulted boulders smashed into Minas Tirith. Shouldn't these folks have hidden inside the mountain or on top of it, knowing tens of thousands of Mordor warriors were in front of the gates?
• For some reason, the obvious effect of the dramatic scene of lighting the warning beacon fires of Gondor annoyed me. Use real fire! Again, I didn't notice so much the second time, and just enjoyed how Jackson used the music to create a dramatic scene out of it.

• The completely realistic effect of the flying beasts of the Nazgul well done
• Gandalf rides out to aid the retreat of the Gondor soldiers from Osgiliath, fending off the Nazgul with some of his selective magic (seriously, couldn�t he do just a little more to aid the mortal beings?).
• Best shot: Gollum, Frodo and Sam crawl high up the stairs to Modor, with Minas Morgul far below, with a greenish tint and the faint sight of thousands of soldiers marching out.
• Much of the movie revolves around Minas Tirith, and not once did the amazing FX leave me doubting that it is a real city.
• The chief Orc on the battlefield looks a lot like Sloth of The Goonies. I kept expecting him to turn on his fellow orcs if they offered �Rocky Road� or if he saw a pirate ship with treasure.
• At least two inspiring speeches had me longing to announce my allegiance to protecting the realm of Men as well. Quite a few moments had people clapping, for all of our heroes and the numerous �important� scenes.
• The sound effects pack quite a wallop. I noted especially every single "thunk" as the riders of Rohan broke the lines of the orcs attacking Minas Tirith, running over them with their horses.
• My absolute favorite moment of the movie is near the end, on the return to Hobbiton when Sam finally gets the gusto to talk/hit on Rosie. If he can save Middle-earth, he can talk to a female, he figures. More and more clear it is Sam�s journey, his na�ve dreamer-turned-hero and tale to remember. So pardon me, and I�ll be back in 13 months after my planet-saving adventure with all the courage I need to get a date.
• Dear Mr. Jackson, If we could avoid giant spiders in the future, it�d be much appreciated. Thanks. As Scott whispered before Shielob wraps Frodo in all those rubber-bands, �Curse you, Peter Jackson!� The entire scene leaves you breathless, but unlike Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, I didn�t close my eyes during the entire scene. Great work on the CGI, Peter, and thus a thumbs up in the positive camp due to the tension that left the audience gasping, but egads!

But, as I said before concerning the movie, to say that ROTK is my favorite of the three scores, the other two are still immaculate works, and take spots among my top ten favorite scores of all time (in league with Gettysburg, Star Wars, The Natural, among others).

A few weeks ago, I revealed my perfectly healthy man-crush on Viggo Mortensen. Can I change that, and instead mention David Wenham (Faramir)? Just sayin', is all. Maybe it's validated by going down the line with some reasoning: Seen one Nelson twin, seen them all (Legolas); Cousin Itt (Gimli) is too hairy; the hobbits are more to Michael Jackson's liking; and Gandalf, well, he�s more inclined to return my crush, if you know what I mean.

There are about 30 endings, apparently true to the book but I haven�t gotten there yet. ROTK just goes on and on as we see most every bit of the finale. Not sure what I�d cut of what is said to be faithful to Tolkein�s ultimate theme of family, friendship and home, rather than the adventure defining the work. I�ll shut up and just enjoy that the story doesn�t exactly end as it comes to a rest.

I say with no embarrassment, throughout the end there are so many touching moments that I think the dander from Scott and Jenn�s cat was irritating my eyes, causing them to water like a faucet. Darn that cat!

The Lord of the Rings is the distinguished adventure of our time, and you know, that filler stuff about a ring is alright, too.

Peter Jackson and crew did a phenomenal job with the greatest movie accomplishment in a few decades. In fact, to say it�s a palatial achievement is an injustice and understating the work.

Return of the King proves that Lord of the Rings indeed is ONE TRILOGY TO RULE THEM ALL.

The verdict: