I hate horror flicks; never saw the allure in being frightened.

I didn't see any of the 50 Friday the 13th movies, and only the first Nightmare on Elm Street.

But throw in a twist, pitting Jason and Freddy against one another, and dude, I'm getting a ticket!

Still, I didn't sit in my customary fourth row center seat. No, further back up the stadium seats was farther from the action, so I didn't become enveloped by the story, able to see other people and chairs, a reminder that it's only a movie.

I am such a pansy.

Sissy or not, I enjoy a finely crafted guilty pleasure, hoping Freddy vs. Jason would fit right in. I felt neither guilty nor pleasure at seeing such rubbish. It's not even so-bad-it's-good crap. Sure, there are nonsensical-in-a-good-way bits and the climactic showdown between the horror kings is fun, but as a whole movie, just trash.

Sorry, I had to say that. It's in the "I'm a Refined Critic" textbook, and I hope no one with any class reads past that last paragraph. So now that you classless rebels have scoffed at it, we can enjoy the movie for what it is, a foxy and entirely fitting an almost spoof-like mix of the Freddy and Jason motion pictures.

Teens and young adults from Camp Crystal Lake and Springwood, especially those on Elm Street are lining up to see this one! It's a good thing all the kids stand still when they're being sliced, and never tell the police about the ticked-off hockey goalie or guy in their dreams with a sweater most would have returned after Christmas.

There�s little bits that are sure to get fans of the franchises cheering. For me, it was when the creepy little girls in white dresses jump rope and sing the "Freddy" lullaby. Everybody together!:

One, two, Freddy's coming for you�
Three, four, better lock your door�
Five, six, grab your crucifix�
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late�
Nine, ten, never sleep again�

Nothing like mixing the Friday and Elm Street music off the top to set the mood as well. The plot of the flick is also told off the top, which was unnecessary because of how preposterous the setup becomes. No one cares how Freddy and Jason come together, only that it happens.

I'm pretty sure I figured out that several of the teens in the story were in the previous Nightmare on Elm Street, but really, does anyone give a fig about the humans or their personal history? No! Naked women, drinkers, pot smokers, cussers and general partygoers, please step to the right and be killed for our amusement in several creative ways. Which is just what the audience is hoping for. The kids aren't safe awake or asleep, but they find the time to have fun, no matter what serial killer is on the loose.

Lori (Monica Keena) is the "star" of the human element, as the typical weepy virgin heroine, sure to die in the next two months by another serial killer after she blossoms her love with the guy interest, Will (Jason Ritter). Remember, kids, abstinence saves lives in many ways!

Kids are kids, I suppose, and raging hormones are just as scary as a guy with a machete or some evildoing dream weaver with knives for hands. Now, if Freddy just had scissorhands instead, he'd be a sympathetic landscaper designing pretty rabbits in the hedges.

Acting talent? Um, no. Good direction? Uh-uh. Scary? Not so much. But the climactic showdown between the title characters is the point, and that's good unclean fun. If you think the big baddie fight at the end was intense, I'd like to see the negotiations in pre-production when Jason was told that Freddy gets top billing in the film.

Sure it's hokey; that's the point, right? I hope so, because to read it any other way will only leave you trying to drown yourself in the 140 oz. Coke that cost $45 at the concession stand. (For only another ten dollars, supersize to the LARGE cola!)

The poster tagline says "Winner kills all." So what's the sequel going to be? (and there will certainly be one): "Freddy vs. Jason 2 - Who knew blood splattered so well? That's a decorating trick you won't see on "Trading Spaces"!

p.s. - I love that on the IMDB page, it lists Jason's mom as Mrs. Pamela Voorhees. I'm pretty sure psychopathic killers who yell an entire movie at their undead son have abandoned the right to be a Mr. or Mrs.