2004, 2 hrs 15 min., Rated PG-13 for brief violent images. Dir: Joel Schumacher. Cast: Emmy Rossum (Christine), Gerard Butler (The Phantom), Patrick Wilson (Raoul), Miranda Richardson (Madame Giry), Minnie Driver (Carlotta), Ciarán Hinde (Firmin), Simon Callow (Andre), Jennifer Ellison (Meg Giry).

While wandering aimlessly at the local mall this weekend, I happened upon a pair of teenagers, one girl and one boy, and decided to interview them about Phantom of the Opera and how a young’un might feel about the musical adaptation to film. None of this is true, of course.

Jeff: I’m here with Ashley and John, both 16 years old and first time viewers of The Phantom of the Opera. So neither of you has seen Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical?

Ashley: Who? Is that, you know, the guy who totally creeps me out in “The O.C.”?

Jeff: Um, no. He also wrote the musical "Les Miserables," if that is more familiar.

John: Dude, is that the French one? Bunch of a**holes. I only eat freedom fries nowadays.

Jeff: Actually, the musical is very good. I wish it had been adapted to the big screen instead of the one we got a few years back.

Ashley: You’re like, totally jealous, aren’t you? That’s hot.

Jeff: Thanks. Maybe we should get to the Phantom.

	Eww, hands off, weirdo. As if!

John: Yeah, what was with that dude, anyway? He’s all stalking the smokin’ chick with the gnarly boobs and she’s not weirded out at all.

Ashley: No kidding! She’s all hot and bothered over this friggin’ creepy guy who really needs a dermatologist, while the really sexy guy with the long blond hair has got the googly eyes for her.

Jeff: You mean Patrick Wilson, as Raoul?

Ashley: Oh my gawd, yes, he could melt a Hello Kitty folder, if you know what I mean.

Jeff: Unfortunately, I do.

John: It ain’t no thing, dude. The actor’s probably gay anyway.

Ashley: Whatever! Shut up!

John: And the pretty dude is all, “Stop stalking her, she’s mine.” And the Phantom’s all, “Nuh uh, she’s my angel of music.” And the chick with great boobs is all, “I can’t decide between the attractive normal rich guy or the stalkerific ugly guy.” Typical. Chicks.

Ashley: Troglodyte!

Jeff: I think the Phantom is supposed to be mysteriously sexy.

Ashley: As if. He's a total creepazoid.

Jeff: Okay, not sure if that's a word, but I get it. How about the music?

Ashley: It’s kinda pretty for the most part. But what was with the way the songs go, anyway?

Jeff: What do you mean?

Ashley: Well, um, the actors are all talking and stuff, but they’re singing the words, you know? That’s totally annoying, you know?

Jeff: I agree. It’s a clunky format.

John: Seriously, Christine has great cleavage and is like a more innocent Shannon Elizabeth, but her friend is even more of a babe. Great boobs and blonde hair.

Ashley. Hmmph. Men, with your “blondes have more fun” crap. Brunettes have fun, too!

John: Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that.

Jeff: Oh, burn!

Ashley: Shut up! Whatever.

Jeff: Sorry. Anything else?

Ashley: I actually got kinda bored. You can’t even tell they’re in Paris. Where are the cute berets and stuff? Then it starts in 1919 looking like those old pictures of my grandparents when they were my age, which was like forever ago!

Jeff: You mean, black and white?

Ashley: Yeah, but then the movie goes color for the 1870 parts, and then the movie keeps going back and forth. It’s stupid.

John: The movie could have ended a half-hour sooner and would have been gnarly.

Jeff: True. Maybe we needed an intermission to get some champagne and hobnob with the town elite in the foyer.

Ashley: Yeah, totally! Then I could be, like, all dressed up in that pink gown I wore to all six proms last spring!

John: Slut.

Ashley: Pig!

Jeff: And that should do it. Thanks, guys, for participating in what will be the only teen interview. Ever.