Might I offer you a review? I highly recommend the 75 Jeff, a very good year, so enjoy the smooth refreshing taste and read on.

I see how it’s easy for y‘all to think I’m high class, but while I could give you every nuance when comparing Diet Coke out of a can versus a bottle, asking me to differentiate between Pinot Noir and Merlot is like asking me to tell whether Lindsay Lohan has fake boobies or is au natural. (Although, for the latter, I promise to study closely.)

Still, because of my dedication to movies and to my readers (Scott, you there this time? Anyone?), I decided to see Sideways, 2004's small film du jour, the little film that is getting serious looks from the award shows, including a nomination for Best Picture at the Oscars and countless others from the Golden Globes, SAG, et al. No word on the nominations yet from the Academy Of People Who Put Their Mouths On The Tap Of A Water Fountain. It’s a very selective group.

I didn’t initially plan on seeing Sideways because I know exactly squat about wine and I don't drink, which freaks people out more than if I said I was a cannibal Jehovah's Witness with a deadly communicable rash.

Am I snarky enough yet?

Proving my love for you guys (that, and I have far too much free time not always spent on Fark.com), I actually did some research at wines.com, and came up with a favorable comparison between Pinot Noir and Sideways:

In recent years, Pinot Noir's potential for greatness has been discovered by many California wineries. Although the grape is fragile and difficult to grow, California winemakers have taken up the challenge with passion and creativity. Though unpredictable at times, the best Pinot Noirs are seductively enchanting in their intense aromatics, complex flavors and long silky textures.

	Excuse me, could we have some of that "Cabernet Get-Drunk-Quicker Sauvignon," to go please?

Nominated for Best Director, Payne also helmed two other smaller yet brilliant flicks, Election and About Schmidt, both excellent character studies which Sideways fits perfectly with his style. There’s nothing fancy about the filmmaking, no showy tricks or quick cuts. He presents the shot, lets us see what’s going on, and moves on to the next one without feeling the need to shake the camera or zoom in extra close to the subject.

I took away the little things that impressed me, such as sticking a hand out the window to play with the wind during a drive, and putting the guys in a boring hotel room that has no character whatsoever and they walk along the road to a local restaurant. When the guys talk about meeting women, they point out that the first thing single guys notice isn’t a woman’s hair or her booty, but the left hand to see if she’s wearing a wedding or engagement ring. Such situations are real, making light of the mundane, and you can relate.

Simply put, Payne trusts his audience’s intelligence to figure out the nuance, and we can. The dialogue is worthy of the film’s nomination for Adapted Screenplay; it can make studying wine (Oenology) seem like figuring out the mysteries of the universe. The comedy comes from all sources, whether jokes, physical or dark, and while for the most part the movie has some serious topics to cover, there are several brilliant laughs.

Of course, this is a small Hollywood picture with stars all agog, meaning there must be something naughty, too. Unfortunately. There are some unnecessary sexual moments that could be trimmed or cut or in the background, but as Payne showed us in Election (Matthew Broderick picturing Reese Witherspoon during an intimate act) and About Schmidt (Kathy Bates nude), he likes the shock value of such scenes. If that’s what Hollywood needs to see once in a while in order to green light quality film, then whatever, have at it.

Payne also undercuts such naughtiness. Stars Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church lie about insignificant things off the bat, and the small ones only feed the tall tales that can lead to nothing good. It isn’t even like they need to lie on a pleasant week of vacation in wine country before Church gets married. Of course, I don’t have to lie about being a bigwig technical director at CNN Headline News, but I do (I’m really the janitor, and like to push the shiny buttons when no one’s looking).

Each takes his self-destructive lead from a stereotype of their respective professions. Church, playing an actor (big stretch), is spontaneous and unattached to pesky things like morals, while unpublished writer and recently divorced Giamatti revels in feeling bad. Each calls the other on their faults, yet neither stops being a wanker nor do they refuse to help out when the other's in a tight spot. That is friendship!

Giamatti has always been acclaimed in small roles, but really came to everyone’s attention in American Splendor. There’s a lot more than his frumpy beerwine belly and beard he hides behind. You root for him, although there are plenty of moments where you shake your head and mutter, “idiot” or “asshole.” You know, like he’s a family member.

Many may scoff that Church was nominated for Best Supporting Actor despite being Lowell from "Wings” (which was excellent.) Still, I prefer to bring back to mind "Ned & Stacey," an ahead-of-its-time sitcom co-starring none other than Debra Messing, now seen cavorting with a gay roommate every Thursday. In Sideways, Church hooks up with the straightforward Sandra Oh Under the Tuscan Sun in an orgy of wild animal lust.

Giamatti and Virginia Madsen act like, well, like adults in a much sweeter relationship. Our entertainment reporter interviewed Madsen on Friday, and she (Madsen, not the reporter) was very nice, open, and whip smart, not to mention the great boobs. (Was that out loud?)

It’s easy to make fun of Giamatti as a snobby wine connoisseur, but everyone has a high-and-mighty flair for at least one food, drink or hobby. Just as Giamatti growls that if "anyone orders merlot, I am leaving," I’m going to throw a hissy fit when I’m in the mood for pork barbecue and a place can’t deliver what my Memphis-bread stomach demands.

Actually, if Sideways took place in the South it would be about iced tea, of which everyone in the region is an expert and knows any seemingly insignificant difference between one or the other. Deadly family squabbles can arise over a preference for sweet and unsweetened, though the latter is for morons who lack taste buds and kill puppies.

Thankfully, Church doesn't know wine and just thinks they're all tasty no matter the variation, and asks the questions I want answered in my ignorance of all things grape. Is it purple? Green? Doesn’t taste like antifreeze? Then that’s all I need to know. Gimme more. Of the movie, I mean, not the wine, which I may understand more but still tastes awful. Not even a good movie can change reality.