As I write this may my Muse, Beyonce Knowles, grant me words to describe a movie of noble stature that is My Big Fat Greek War, a.k.a. Troy. May she also read this and go out with me, but I doubt she'll abandon her kingdom to join me anytime soon.

In the club of Braveheart and Gladiator, with a smidgen of old-fashioned, grandstanding heroic saga like Ben-Hur, comes Troy, the story of Homer's epic poem "The Iliad," which you may or may not have been forced to read in school. Thankfully, I was, and Homer's epic tale comes to life in a way you can't get from trying to figure out what he's saying for five pages without Cliff Notes. Heck, we get the word Homeric is used to describe epics, derived from the legendary blind writer, so you better respect the work!

	The face that sunk a thousand ships.

Wow, I just noticed on IMDB.com that Homer actually gets a writing credit! He must have the greatest agent of all time! Someone make a movie about him, not about a bunch of Greeks in skirts offing a bunch of condom makers!

If this makes $250 million, in two summers expect to see Boromir, a.k.a. Sean Bean, use his turn as Odysseus into a big-time "Odyssey" epic, not to mention other ancient epics, "Gilgamesh" and "Beowulf," starring Ben Affleck and Hugh Jackman. (Still, "Superfudge" remains untouched. Shame.) From a Saturday afternoon at my theater, today's take alone will make more money than Homer could imagine in a lifetime.

Troy is all of the story of the Trojan War, not all of it derived from "The Iliad," or else the movie would end awkwardly with a half-hour remaining, if you remember the complete story. The filmmakers fill in the rest with "Aethiopis" by the poet Arctinus, and Homer's "Odyssey." Let's just say that if the filmmakers ended where Homer did, we wouldn't know what the term "Achilles' heel" stands for, or where the legend of the Trojan Horse comes in.

Let's hop in the Way Back machine to 1200 BC! The classical tale of the most famous conflict in history actually lasts almost ten years, but for Hollywood purposes the entire struggle is squished into the final few weeks.

The world's largest domestic split occurs because Paris (Orlando Bloom) can't keep his paws off another man's wife, Helen (played by future Mrs. Rushing, German Goddess Diane Kruger). She leaves Spartan king Menelaus, which stands for "whiny loser" in Greek, who in turn asks for the aid of his brother, Agamemnon. They go to war with Troy.

Three-thousand years later, Menelaus would have just been drunk and shirtless on the front lawn, crying out for Helen and threatening Paris, only to be apprehended and filmed by "COPS." Someone get these folks a spot on Dr. Phil's show, quick!

Sure, Troy is a fictional account of what may or may not have been a war that actually occurred (still up for debate), but the story feels real enough. While Helen may be "the face that launched a thousand ships" by leaving Menelaus to be with super-weenie Paris, a prince of Troy who wanders from town to town bedding chicks, this just sets in motion an inevitable clash for power over the future of the Aegean Sea running between the Greeks and Trojans.

	Wait, is Helen a lesbian? Oh, that's Orlando Bloom? Sorry, Legolas.

In fact, Helen and Paris going steady are almost forgotten as others resolve the conflict with bloodshed of thousands of soldiers and almost every hero. But hey, dude, they're like, in love, man! If you haven't read "The Iliad" in a while, you may actually begin to wonder who the good and bad guys are, who to root for, who to wish defeat and ultimately death. That may not matter. Most of them have honor, on both sides, so while you naturally are drawn to Peter O'Toole as Priam, King of Troy, you also pull for Brad Pitt's Greek Achilles, the finest warrior the world has ever known. (Jeff note: I just figured it out, Pitt is channeling Nuclear Man from Superman IV!)

In fact, the only real "bad guy" is Brian Cox as Agamemnon, the king who united the city-states into Greece, and spends much of the movie trying to use and control Achilles.

The most exciting sequence doesn't involve thousands of men, but two, the ultimate heroes of the day, Hector (Eric Bana) vs. Achilles. It was like Ali vs. Frazier, Bird vs. Magic, Rosie O'Donnell vs. Nutty Bars. One must devour the other, a victor will be established, vengeance will end leave blood, sweat and, in Rosie's case, crumbs over the combatants' armor.

Pitt is The Man, his rage dominating the movie from the onset through the credits, and his nekkid body, too. (Yes, women, swoon if you must, just don't complain when I do so as well over the foxes in the film!)

Ladies, while you're staring at Pitt's legs, you might want to tell him to stop it with all the "smell the fart" acting. How often can he look to the heavens as if he was just told his newfound twin was in gay and in love with him?

What's even more surprising is that Bana overshadowed Bloom, making me feel as if I was rooting for the wrong brother. After the disaster known as The Hulk, I gave up Bana for dead on the Hollywood carpet of shame. Frankly, any actor who manages to make Jennifer Connelly look silly deserves to be banished. He's still not the strongest actor of the bunch, but he was better than the labored Bloom, who seems as if he's always looking off camera for signs of where to move, and asking "what's my motivation" between scenes. Our favorite elf is a Nancy boy with a perm who isn't worthy of carrying Brad Pitt or Eric Bana's jockstrap, let alone pick up the hottest girl on the planet.

I've been surprised to hear critics criticize Troy for an absence of heartfelt drama. What movie were they watching? Did they get a refill on drinks and popcorn every time a battle ended? No, I didn't give a rat's butt about the love between Helen and Paris, but I was moved by the emotion between Hector and wife Andromache (Saffron Burrows) and their pain in knowing what is to become of him and their country, and their baby. Also, O'Toole has a scene with Brad Pitt regarding Hector that tugs at the cockles of the heart of any mortal, so don't listen to the critics who believe a movie doesn't have drama unless there's a gay man with a single female friend dying in remote Mongolia.

	Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea ... Pepto Bismol!

Though I like Clash of the Titans very much, I'm still pleased that Troy avoids Homer's work in terms of the gods constantly participating in the drama and politics of the conflict. In fact, this movie is overwhelmingly anti-gods throughout. The priests and leaders who rely on help from the gods end up looking horribly naive and militarily ignorant, and those who disobey the "will of the gods" are victorious or are proven correct in defeat.

One of the best compliments I can give a film based on an historical period is that it led me to further study of the record behind it. That's especially true with Troy; I've spent much of this weekend researching Homer's poems and the archaeological evidence of any city that could be Troy that battled the Greeks.

Now don't misunderstand me; I don't think Troy is as good as the epics I mentioned at the top of this review. For one thing, you aren't sure if you're rooting for the right side, and anyone who would rather the filmmakers stick with Homer's script will be disappointed at the fate of Menalaus and Agamemnon, and how Briseis (cutie-pie Rose Byrne) is given far more prominence in an effort to humanize Achilles.

If that doesn't bother you, and Hollywood's changing of the script rarely does to me, Troy is a solid film on its own. It dramatically portrays the human condition and the story of mankind's infatuation with glory amid a quest for power. All this, yet we all know that eventually victory will be mine. Mine and Beyonce's, for she will be saved by my purge for earth's repopulation.

The question of the hour (or 2 ½) is, What value can be attached to a life that will be forgotten at its conclusion? The universal themes are similar to any war movie: Glory, Honor, and even Revenge, but ultimately the stalemate is decided by trickery. Directed by Wolfgang Petersen (Das Boot, The Perfect Storm, Air Force One) delivers the goods in an attractive film that values substance as much as style, which is more than you can say for most flicks released this time of year.

If you're the person who heard Homer and thought "D'oh!", don't think about it all. Grab your myrmidons, buy a bucket of popcorn and consider Troy another expensive period summer flick, the kind Hollywood loves to make and I love to watch. If entertainment is all you seek, you shall find it here. All hail the return of larger-than-life epics!