Kudos to Universal for arranging a reunion of their miscreants, Dracula, Frank's monster and the Wolf Man (why doesn’t he get a cereal?). No credit, though, for a lousy script, depthless human characters and phooey action sequences. Don't rush to the theater unless the power of Christ compels you.

Maybe Van Helsing just lacked an evil monkey in the closet and a reunion concert by Falco to get the heartrate pumping from the evil (rock THIS, Amadeus!), because me, Scott and Joe agreed it was utterly without tension or audience participation.

When we had to speculate on major plot points and we all got in the car afterwards shrugging, “Eh, entertaining … BUT …,” that isn’t a ringing endorsement. Though the movie had plenty of action and cool effects, which is plenty if you’re watching an 80s Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Willis flick, I have come to expect a certain amount of substance with my style.

	Prom night in Transylvania runs its risks, so be sure to wear protective gralic covering.

Director Stephen Sommers didn’t put the same heart and soul into Van Helsing as he managed with The Mummy and The Mummy 2. In part, maybe this is because I took Van Helsing much more seriously than those two fun flicks where there was plenty more spirit to embrace the main characters. Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz had chemistry not felt between Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale, two impossibly attractive people. Both are too dry to sustain two hours, leaving the heavy lifting of personality to the monsters and Jackman’s unlikely sidekick, David Wenham, a.k.a. Faromir from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. As a bumbling Q-like companion, I didn’t have a man-crush on Wenham this time, no matter the questionable behavior his character is able to do as a Friar instead of a step up as a monk, though he did provide almost all of the laughs.

Beckinsale looks fabulous in that red dress in Hungary (va-va-voom!), but her Eastern European accent was as grating as Fran Drescher's laugh. I was feeling the Serendipity of that leather evil-fighting outfit, sure, but I didn't really care if she succeeded in killing Dracula or not.

I’m not sure it’s possible to sound less sexist than the past paragraph, but more heaving Dracula bride bosoms, please, and less asexual vampire women with wings! Why are they naked (but virtually without, um, parts) on the prowl bat-like but suddenly have long flowing clothing when they turn back human? I demand male-pig answers!

Compounding my concerns, Richard Roxburgh’s Count Dracula was not the good villain I need, not even as wicked as he was as the Duke in Moulin Rouge. He chewed the scenery and sucked the lifeblood from the essence of the role. Since when does the ultimate vampire need a crew of evil Fraggle Rock Doozers working for him?

The action is dark, fast and the amount of improbable escapes is off the charts. You come to expect a certain amount of narrow escapes, but there was one per minute in Van Helsing. The only deus ex machina not used by Sommers was an alien UFO landing in Transylvania with Blacula and King Kong on board, only to be offed by Buffy the vampire slayer and her feisty red-haired lesbian witch pal, Willow.

Alan Silvestri at least provided a unique and first-rate score, sort of his anti-Forrest Gump arch. Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing is no accidental hero. Unfortunately what should be a simple story explaining his role wasn't. There was no exposition on Van Helsing’s background, barely revealing seemingly important personal histories, but I guess the filmmakers are waiting for the sequel to actually delve into “the left hand of God.” See, now don’t you want to know more about that title? So do I, but it’s not revealed, and you sense my frustration.

Van Helsing isn’t bad summer escapism. I was just expecting more of a scream of joy than a scream of agony watching an almost painful summer blockbuster effort.