Once upon a time, a million trillion years ago, kids didn’t have sappy books like “The Giving Tree.” Teenagers wouldn’t give a flip about “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” Really, should they care about their increasing their bust when the summer harvest was light and Napoleon’s army was marching through Germany?

No, in those days the bedtime stories were violent and deadly, no matter if the heroes eventually prevailed. The Grimms’ fairy tales weren’t sweet and they weren’t soothing, but they had oomph to fit an era that was harsh and cruel while still offering the hope of “happily ever after.”

	Oh Monica, what a big chest you have!

Like Shrek goes after Disney tales, The Brothers Grimm director Terry Gilliam puts their tales to use, inserting bits of Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Rapunzel and Hansel and Gretel, among others, all collected by brothers Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm. This is supposed to be their backstory to a world of wonder and the unexplained. Watching the pieces fit is fun, but the rest is a loud, confusing bore.

Playing the roles of the brothers Grimm in 1811 Napoleon-occupied Germany are Tinseltown highlight Matt Damon and … Heath Ledger? Wow, where’s he been since The Patriot? Remember when he was to be the next Aussie stud, replacing Mel Gibson? Not so much. Nowadays his acting is so wooden the director yells “Timber!” instead of “action.”

Anyway, Heath is the romantic, the storyteller who believes that there is more out there and superstitions exist for a reason. Matt’s heart is a bit harder and less willing to accept extraordinary tales. One of his mottos is that “life’s subterfuges make it worthwhile.”

The brothers are accidental heroes, which is the best kind in Hollywood’s lenses. They start off as snake-oil salesmen, you know, like Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson in that surreal music video in the early 80s. Only, the Grimms make a living fabricating witches and trolls and whatever evil folklore scares the townspeople who pay dearly to rid themselves of the menace.

I’d say that people were more susceptible to supernatural hooey back then, but for Galileo’s sake have you seen the number of shows on The History Channel on UFOs? The frackin’ History Channel! Not only that, but people pay to have their homes cleansed of ghosts.

Anyway, the brothers are famous for “defeating” such spirits but end up confronting the real thing when uber-sexpot Monica Bellucci (The Matrix Reloaded), decides she’s the fairest of them all, and really, who would argue? Leave her be, I say. Sometimes eternal beauty comes at the cost of sacrificing twelve young village virgin girls. Or would you animal rights activists rather she get her looks from testing magic on fuzzy cuddly bunny rabbits?

Director Gilliam is as notable to mention as the stars, since he’s helmed some really oddball productions like Time Bandits and Brazil, which you should you remember before taking this in. Plus, all the weird stuff from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”? Gilliam most likely came up with that crazy material.

The movie is a world mixed with bright colors much of the time, dim grays other times and awesome French bashing. Other times, Gilliam literally can’t see the forest for the enchanted shifting trees.

This is a novelty film, fitting in all of the old folklore and fairy tales from Europe’s most famous storytellers not named Shakespeare. If that’s enough for you, then enjoy. Otherwise, see a comedy about deflowered virgins or guys who use weddings for easy scores. That’s the real 21st century fairy tale, am I right?

The verdict: