I don’t really have time to form a sensible narrative to review the new King Kong movie today – the day of its release – so I’ll string together a bunch of points without an outline and we’ll see how it goes. OK? Great.

What does the 500-ton gorilla flick of the Christmas movie season get to do? Anything it pleases. Including, go on for over three hours. ‘Cause Peter Jackson can. He developed the rep as the Oscar-winning director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and now he’s the 500-pound gorilla of Hollywood. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Does this remake need to be three hours? No. Not really. For one, I think there were really big spiders. I say “think” because I’m pretty sure I saw a few dozen legs emerge from the dark at the same time I realized I really, really had to use the little boys room.

	And lo, the beast beheld the beauty and thought, "if I were rich enough she'd go out with me."

Naomi Watts is an A+ knockout. Screw Kong, SHE is the eighth wonder of the world. Even rated as Movie Star Gorgeous she’s near the top. She could really tame my beast, if you know what I mean. (And when you stop vomiting at the thought of that you’ll understand.)

Jackson is an artist. His work should run in a museum. Project a screen from the back and put it on the wall between the statue of David and the Mona Lisa. The way he works camera angles, frames scenery and colors the screen to set a mood is downright miraculous.

You might be surprised, then, to find out that I’m not going to give this movie even four out of five stars. Three-and-a-half is the best I could do on my scale.

Amid one of the greatest eras of film (in my humble opinion), the epics are as good as the indie weepers. But the difference with the best of the lot like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars and even the new release The Chronicles of Narnia is their ability to make the audience wide-eyed with “I haven’t seen that before” scenes. King Kong doesn’t have that gift. For one, it’s been remade before, and that’s after the original is seen as a classic of Hollywood cinema. Also, none of the effects can truly amaze. We’ve seen a giant ape, we’ve checked well-made computer-created dinosaurs before.

The effects, though, are brilliant. I had no problem immersing myself in that world and believing every second. Well, maybe not. There was one time when the brontosauruses are on a cliff stumbling among people, and I actually thought, “that guy looks fake.” Not the dinosaurs. The man. Another time when Kong is fighting three T-Rexes among really long and thick vines it got a bit silly as he managed to keep hold of Watts.

The score is invisible. I don’t know why Jackson parted ways with LOTR composer Howard Shore in the middle of this picture, but replacement James Newton Howard’s mix isn’t nearly as weighty as one would expect. The main theme was reminiscent of The High and the Mighty (starring Duke, now a special-edition DVD!), which won an Oscar for the music.

If you want suspense you’ll like King Kong. Jackson builds it and builds it and has you squirming when all that is happening is Watts getting on the daggum boat out of New York.

Someone needs to enact a hate crime measure on Skull Island. Why the freaky ass natives gotta sacrifice the white woman?

Getting carried by a ginormous ape that is running through a primitive jungle has to cause some hella whiplash. The computer-effects of Kong handling Watts isn’t perfect with these scenes, either.

	The "we're going to need a bigger boat" moment.

The ship captain reminds me of the cargo captain in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He’s a wee bit sketchy and you’re not sure if you can trust him, but you want him on your side when the fit hits the shan.

Yeah, I may have covered my eyes a bit during the big creepy crawly scenes, but if you’re scared of heights you’d better do the same lest you be nauseous when the big ape is on on the Empire State Building. Let’s just say that he isn’t going to be meeting anyone from Seattle on top.

Oscar winner and Halle smoocher Adrien Brody, or A-Bro as I like to call him (this once, I mean), doesn’t have much to do. He reacts mostly to events, events caused by Jack Black, as a matter of fact. Now he’s just downright reckless and manipulative. He’s an ass is all I’m saying.

How did Black come across the map to Skull Island? How did they fit Kong in that boat for a trip home that had to take several weeks?

I realized a few scenes in the trailers that did not make it into the film, even though said film is three hours long. So it was good enough to entice us, but not good enough to fit? Even so, maybe it was for the best, because the trailer emphasized style over substance, when the story is what sells the drama.

Kong is definitely a male in love, no matter the difference in species. Only a guy could be so infatuated as to not realize that the woman he cares for is the reason for all of his pain. Every time he’s with her someone or something is trying to kill him. By the time we’re ready to leave Skull Island we feel a lot more sympathy for Kong than any of the men. We’ve all been there, you big lug.

The best parts of Kong were between Watts and Kong. They were downright tender, even. The rest of the action? Meh. Like I said, seen it before. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Watts could garner a nomination or two for best actress from an awards show or two.

So what am I saying? Maybe Pete Jackson could do a 180 and helm a Jane Austen adaptation. Heck, even I’d venture to see that if only out of curiosity.

In the meantime, it’s very doubtful I’ll see King Kong in theaters again. I won’t buy the DVD, and I’ll catch it on cable only during scenes that do not involve giant bugs. The film is well done and looks marvelous, but it’s just not what I’m looking for at the moment. It’s not you, Pete, it’s me. I’m sorry.

The verdict: