I wanted to come home from Lord of War and start firing praise with both barrels. I’m afraid my ammunition of praise has run out. (At least my Metaphor Gun is apparently loaded and cocked.) (Heh. “Cocked.”)

Lord of War is a film that can’t - nay wouldn’t - finish what it started. Starting off like a black comedy, we root for Nic Cage even though he’s an international arms dealer with severe moral deficiencies. By the end the movie has turned proactive and seems to be criticizing the audience for ever laughing along in the hopes that Cage would be the best and enjoy life.

	... and THIS is for Valley Girl ... and THIS is for Snake Eyes ... and THIS is for Face/Off. No wait, I liked that one. Sorry.

Well gee golly, sor-ry, dudes. Sure, I can be an arrogant prick, but once in a while it's fun to watch a movie where the rogues are ever punished for their various vices. It certainly didn’t hurt Mel Gibson in Payback or going way back, Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

It’s not even that the film got all preachy and blamed the U.S. for all of the problems with the spread of arms and ammo by the end. (Well, not fully, but all the same crap you’ve heard a million times from liberals on “Hannity & Colmes” while Sean giggles.) Even though Lord of War is based on a true story, it doesn’t take much to shoot holes in the approach of the film.

I must ask forgiveness to Nic Cage, one of my favorite actors, because my reservations and lack of recommendation are no fault of his. His Ukrainian-American scalawag is another splendid performance for our champion, who to me still remains a protagonist even as he’s a blissfully immoral international gunrunner. If you can't hang with the dictators of the world, you can't make it anywhere. (Not my rule.)

Lord of War opens promisingly, following a bullet from development to death of an African kid, and the montages with Cage merrily passing out weapons to all sides of every conflict is remarkable. Then people die, Cage learns harsh lessons and we leave more depressed than coming in (unless, like me, you spend hours weeping at humanity’s downfall while watching “ElimiDate”).

	These aren't the guns you're looking for.

Shooting from the hip, the movie also descends into a plot about drug use that only serves to feed the movie's too-serious-for-its-own-good habit. Pick a vice, any vice, but please stick to one. Did Blow revert to a movie about casinos? No.

If I need to look for another redeeming quality, did I mention that Tom Brady’s arm candy, the yummy Bridget Moynahan (The Recruit), plays Cage’s wife? Bonus. As an ex-model and pawn to Cage’s lifestyle choice, she is the most sympathetic character in the film. Not to mention hot, but that probably went without saying.

In review, I’m going to root for Nic no matter that the director wants to scold me for it later, Bridget’s hot and guns are cool, but Lord of War is no more than a shot in the dark if you’re looking for a worthy film this weekend.

The verdict: