It could be an example of how Hollywood has abandoned family films, but there’s little doubt that the best movie for parents and their children (or childless freaks like me) during the hot months is a cool documentary about penguins.

I know, I know, this is what’s on your mind:

So, a documentary, huh? Just some French guy’s obsession with flightless birds?

Not necessarily. I mean, yeah, the director is French, but the penguins aren’t. In fact, the movie is a good reminder that if the French would just shut their yaps already, they’d discover the creative juice flowing in their weak blood. In the native French, the movie is called La Marche de l'empereur, which means, Little Napoleon Complex, I believe.

	Whatever. You can have that chick. She couldn't handle me anyway.

Please. But doesn’t “documentary” mean “boring” in Latin?

Doubtful.

Oh, good. So the penguins hop on a jet to take out Nazi tanks!

No, no.

The penguins solve the code of Jesus and Mary Magdalene?

That doesn’t even make sense.

Yeah, well, neither did “The Da Vinci Code.” So is it a tale of romance and loss, culminating with a rebirth of spirit?

No, dangit … I mean, yes, wow, that’s actually pretty close.

Then which penguins are played by Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

*Sigh. It’s a documentary. Nothing fancy except for what’s real. And that’s plenty good enough, trust me.

This is real Discovery Channel cycle-of-life, “survival of the fittest” stuff. It’s not a horror flick about rabid penguins, nor is it a retrospective on the NHL’s Pittsburgh franchise.

Penguins would also make an even better IMAX movie. I can only write “picturesque” so many times before it sets in. “Adorable,” too.

Might it help if I mention that the narrator for this charmingly true tale is Morgan Freeman, whose soothing voice lends an air of regard for the material, although if you relax too much in the comfy chairs he could pacify you right into a nap.

	“Damn it’s cold, Bob.” “I dunno, Frank, last year was a doozy.” “Yeah, probably colder. But still.” “Yup.”

That’s cool. He was a good prez in Deep Impact, at least. What’s the story, anyway?

The entire clan of emperor penguins makes their way 70 miles from the sea to the breeding ground, pair up with some sweet penguin lovin’, drop eggs, then the males keep them warm in the harsh Antarctic winter while the women frolic and feed back at the sea. When the women return with full bellies to feed the chicks, the men (now half their normal weight) make their way to the sea to feed, the women take care of the hatchlings and raise the chicks, then abandon them where the younglings live in the sea for four years until it’s their turn to breed. Then they all hang out and sign yearbooks promising to meet up again next year, even though they’ll totally find some other person to make out with.

That’s a long way to get some tail.

I still don’t know how to tell the males and females apart. It’s amazing to see hundreds, maybe thousands, of them lined up in single file or two-by-two, waddling or scooting on their belly to the breeding ground, hHuddled en masse like a penguin Woodstock. With less drugs and rock ‘n roll, of course.

The penguins live a tough life, yet they remain dressed exquisitely for the occasion. (Yeah, yeah, it’s the only penguin tuxedo joke.)

Thanks. That was terrible. Sounds cold, too.

The Antarctic is the very definition of cold and isolated. With nothing but snow and ice for hundreds of miles and the only other living creatures the seals and a few birds on the coasts, the average temperature is 58 degrees below zero with wind gusts up to 100 mph during blizzards. Think they’d mind if the globe warmed up a few degrees?

A political remark, eh? Seems out of place. Why don’t you just wrap this up with a few adjectives?

Sure. March of the Penguins is funny, sad, touching, has good music, takes a series of moving photos and tells a story of survival that seems out of this world, and is perhaps the best family film of the summer.

I enjoyed watching the little girl in front of me, perhaps seven or eight years old, sitting on the edge of her seat, giggling at the playful parts, whispering to her mom throughout. I think her review would be just as positive as mine.