1998, 1 hr 30 min., Rated PG-13 for brief strong language. Dir: Jeremiah S. Chechik. Cast: Uma Thurman (Ms. Emma Peel), Ralph Feinnes (John Steed), Sean Connery (Sir August de Wynter).

The Avengers is the ultimate example of why it is more fun to pan a film than praise. It's also the best example of why some studios should stop trying to make blockbusters with the wrong cast, script and director. Everything was wrong with The Avengers, and it thankfully bombed at the box office last fall. With that in mind, me and my big brother, Scott, rented it for a good laugh because neither of us saw it in the theater.

The director had to have been smoking pot in his apartment while eating cereal at 3 a.m. when he came up with this: For no good reason, one of the characters who helps Feinnes is invisible. No explanation, and it's not important to the plot.

First in the long line of complaints: there was NO chemistry between Feinnes and Thurman. I'd have believed more of a love affair between Uma and Jim J. Bullock! Heck, even Feinnes and Bullock! Their banter seems to have highly amused the pair, but they need to let the audience in on the fun. Most of it was mumbled anyway, so what I could understand didn't make up for the parts where I was bored. Just because you can churn out a script in a week, doesn't mean you should.

Uma needs to take a break for say, five years. After this, her terrible acting in Les Miserables and Batman & Robin, she is either not reading the scripts she is sent, or really can't act. Not to mention that I don't find her in the least bit attractive. She looks sick most of the time, and could be Calista "Allbones McBeal" Flockhart's sister.

Maybe Ralph should stick to theater, and let little brother Joseph take all the movie roles designated for a Feinnes on the script. First off, what's with his name being pronounced "Ray"; that's ludicrous enough. (When I start resorting to picking on very little things like this, then that means the movie was especially bad.)

The director was smoking pot when: The best scene had no explanation and was not important to the action or the movie at all. Lifesize robotic wasps who shoot torpedoes out their butts attack Feinnes and Thurman on a drive through the countryside. Nowhere is it indicated that Connery's villain made the wasps or had the technology. I thought he was more interested in the weather?

Connery used The Avengers to pay off his yacht or feed Monrovia for a year. Those are the only reasons I'll accept a respected actor accepting such a terrible part. Maybe he just wanted to be the Bond villain for once, but it went to far when he was wearing a kilt as the Mad Scotsman.

The director was smoking pot when: Connery's character wanted to hide the faces of his partners, the men wore overgrown teddy bear costumes that looked like Care Bears on steroids.

Londoners should be truly offended at how dull the director made their town appear. Not to mention that nobody lived there. Why was the Ministry trying to save the country? There was not one extra on the streets as a common citizen. That's no exaggeration, either. And, as my brother repeatedly asked, "What's with all the tea?" I think even the Brits would question such an obvious over-stereotype.

The special effects made a bigger thud than a Chris Rock joke at a neo-Nazi rally. I've seen better visuals on The Discovery Channel when they show that cool program on lightning or tornadoes. Maybe the director should have borrowed some of the footage for the parts of the movie that deal with the changing weather. And the brief maze scene had me wishing I was watching Labyrinth, starring the lovely Jennifer Connelly and not-so-lovely but fun just the same, David Bowie.

The director was smoking pot when: The evil Father uses a hot-air balloon to escape from London. Seriously.

There's a scene where a bad guy and the look-alike Ms. Peel are carrying the real Emma Peel, and the good guy doesn't know which to shoot. Okay, if this guy is the leader of The Ministry, he needs to be fired for stupidity. First, you shoot the lead bad guy, then you shoot the look-alike Peel, because she won't be the one who is unconscious! What you don't do as the hero is to stand there looking confused and allow for the bad guys to pull their weapons. Gee, can you guess what happened?

Also during this scene and another ten minutes later, the characters are in subzero temperatures. How do we know? Because of the five inches of fake snow that fell. But we can't see their breath, and they don't seem cold at all despite being in clothing better suited for 70 degree temps. It's not a realistic film, I know, but little things make a difference.

The director was smoking pot when: Without any explanation, Thurman and Feinnes walk across the river in bubbles. And when they win in the end, their bubble pops out of the river a day after the place blows up. Wouldn't it pop up in two seconds?

Thank God this was a short movie, only 90 minutes, and the filmmakers ran out of useful ideas after five.