1999, 1 hr 47 min., Rated PG-13 for action violence, sexual references and innuendo. Dir: Barry Sonnenfeld. Cast: Will Smith (James West), Kevin Kline (Artemus Gordon/President Grant), Kenneth Branagh (Dr. Loveless), Salma Hayek (Rita Escobar).

Wild Wild West is the dullest blockbuster I've ever seen. This film had boring action, boring acting and boring music. There are so many problems to it that I can't make this review flow, so I'm going to make some random observations after running down the plot to get it out of the way:

Rich Southern aristocrat named Dr. Loveless (Branagh), who lost both legs in the Civil War, wants to take over the U.S. with the aid of an 80-foot spider. U.S. Army James West (Smith), an expert gunman, joins U.S. Marshal Artemus Gordon (Kline), expert inventor, to defeat the bad guy and save the country.

• I'm directing the so-called "Director" of WWW, Barry Sonnenfeld, to see a John Ford Western. Maybe then he could learn how to showcase its' beauty and wonder without making it a convenient backdrop to an 80-foot spider, where the entire screen looked computer-generated--therefore, fake.
  Never have I been so offended at a movie for leading me to believe it was a Western, meaning the action was nowhere near exciting and the music does not lead to a sense of urgency. In fact, the music is dull. I can tell that Elmer Bernstein had fallen asleep when writing the music and just went with the scribblings he did while dreaming. Probably dreaming of a chick-flick where music isn't as important as an $180 million summer blockbuster.

• I'd be much obliged if someone could tell me what Salma Hayek is doing in this picture? I'll answer my own question. Breasts. That's it. She doesn't serve to help the film in any manner other than have guys stare at her bulging chest. Sure, I don't mind staring at those fine pillows, but at least have her be important to the movie! She might as well be from a porno, showing up to fix the copier, have sex, and move on without contributing anything to the plot.
  I'm sorry, did I say plot? Oh, well Wild Wild West is similar to a porno in that manner, either. There is none. What there is does not serve to help the audience care about what's going on with the actors or action.

• The chemistry between Smith and Kline is nonexistent. When they're supposed to be "bonding" by challenging each other every other minute, I wasn't convinced that they were becoming partners. Kenneth Branagh should be crying himself to sleep after accepting the role of Dr. Loveless. Spewing racial epithets at Smith while circling 'round and 'round in his wheelchair were not worthy of his acting credentials.

• The humor? Flat. I laughed one time. I don't even remember which part, but I do know it was only once. Maybe a smirk or two once in a while, but only one actual guffaw. Scenes that might have been funny were extended for laughs, and didn't work. I'm yelling "Get on with it! It's not cute anymore!" and the actors aren't listening.

• For those who have seen True Lies, starring Arnold Schwarzeneger, you'll notice a direct ripoff of one scene:
  

  Smith is on horseback and the horses stop at the edge of a cliff, leaving Smith dangling, asking them to step back. Even worse it wasn't as well done or humorous.

• The constant racial profiling of Wild Wild West has me disturbed. Does Sonnenfeld find it funny as West has to beat up every white person in the film because they call him the "n" word or call him "slave" and "boy"? He badgered the audience with slavery, evil white southerners and even worse a plot point: (swipe below for spoiler)
  

  West is from New Liberty, a town where bad guy Dr. Loveless massacred dozens of blacks to test out his weapons. Therefore West's quest is not for love of country, but of revenge.

  Why feel the need to include such a heavy subject on what is supposed to be a fun action blockbuster?

• Minor spoiler of an event that has me confused and only exists to tick me off even more about this movie:

  Near the end when West is fighting the bad guy with the metal head, how exactly does he beat him? The metal guy appears to be electrocuted, or shorts out, or whatever. Really, I want to know what happened!

If I rate this film based on how many bullets are in a six-shooter, then I might as well be playing Russian Roulette because I'm firing one bullet.