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Meet Traute Klein, biogardener.

Related Stories

To Hug or Not to Hug, That is the Question
The original story of being maliciously accused of child abuse by the parish priest.

To Hug or Not to Hug, II
Update to the story and excerpts from the messages posted by readers.

Selective Denial
Even when the abuse has been acknowledged, certain apects can still be denied. Acceptance may have to happen again and again.

Denial Does Not Mean Denial, I
Denial is the protective mechanism and survival skill which filters painful information from the conscious mind.

Denial Does Not Mean Denial, II
An example of a quarter century of denial by an abused wife.

Forgiveness and Judgment

by Traute Klein, biogardener

When abused by a minister or priest, it appears reasonable to turn to another minister for advice and support, except that it may result in further accusations and judgment. Here is the story of what happened to me.

Where does a Sunday school teacher turn for help when her priest falsely accuses her of abusing the children in her care? I did not know. Certainly, I received support from the congregation, especially from the parents and the children whom I had supposedly abused. I felt vindicated as a human being, but I still felt shamed and threatened as a teacher. Having been accused of a criminal offense by a member of the clergy, I am still considered a criminal. If accusations had been made in the official channels, I would have been able to clear my name. Seeing that my accuser refused to report my supposed abuse to the police, I did not get a hearing. I will therefore remain an accused child abuser until I die or receive an official apology.

The minister of a nearby church had been a lawyer before he studied for the ministry. Surely, this man would know how to advise me.

I had barely started to talk when he sternly interjected, "How can you say something bad about my friend when he has never said anything bad about you?"

Are you suggesting that I am making up a story? I have all the allegations in writing. You do not have to believe me. You can believe your friend's own words in black and white.

These thoughts were running through my mind, but I did not bother voicing them. Instead, I sat there in the tiny oppressive office, stunned by words which I found difficult to believe. Having been accused of abuse was not the problem, I learned, unforgiveness was.

How do I forgive a person who refuses to repent? Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, forgive them because they do not know what they are doing." Could I pray such a prayer? Could I say that my accuser did not know what he was doing?

I had always been more than ready to forgive. I had continued to attend the church, continued to play for the services and lead the singing, even though my accuser had refused to acknowledge my presence, talking to me only through a third person. After 2 ½ years of being ignored, the parishioners, at a congregational meeting, had finally demanded that the minister acknowledge my presence. He did, but he did not change his mind about me.

I know that my accuser sinned deliberately. Even when he was proven wrong by the bishop's official investigation, he refused to take back the allegations. Instead, he assured me in writing that he will never apologize.

Can I pray, "Father, forgive him because he does not know what he is doing?"

He knew what he was doing all right. Still, I have no trouble forgiving him. I see him as a weak human being. He may well be sorry for what he did, especially since he will never live down the scandal associated with his actions. There is, however, this matter of chauvinist ministerial pride. It keeps him from admitting that he wronged anyone, especially a woman. Yes, I forgive him, but I cannot absolve him of his guilt. He and God will have to settle that matter between themselves without my intervention.

What about the lawyer/minister who accused me of unforgiveness? He apppears to equate forgiving to forgetting. Should I pretend that the accusation never happened? Should a lifelong teacher leave the allegation of child abuse on her name to prove that she has forgiven the accuser? The lawyer/minister seems to think so.

How does this work? He is absolving my accuser of his abuse of me while expecting me to forgive him unreservedly. That sets a double standard. He chose to become the abuser's defense attorney and my prosecutor, when he could have become a mediator. He became a judge instead.

I have had many occasions to talk to my accuser and his wife over the years, and I have no problem walking up to them, asking them about their children, wishing them well. The thought of having to deal with my judge, however, frightens me. He appears to have a great capacity to pounce on a woman when she is waiting for a hand to reach down to rescue her.

I wonder how he would react if one of his own parishioners came to him, looking for support against her abusive husband. Would he assure her that her husband is not capable of abusing a woman? Would he accuse her of unforgiveness? I suggest that the abused women in his congregation look for support and guidance elsewhere.

Postscript

In 2006, I shared my problem with the minister/lawyer with an abuse counsellor. It bothered me that my fear of him kept me from worshiping with my friends who were members of his church. She took it upon herself to talk to him on my behalf. That lead to an apology and reconciliation, and I am again able to worship in his church. Here are his words which I remember, "Sometimes we wonder how we could possibly have said and done certain things." He was not guilty of sinning deliberately as the first minister was. When his sin was pointed out to him, he repented. I have no problem forgiving him.