Captain: We have never treated you as slaves!
Crow: Yeah? What about that one time?
-- Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that,
I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
-- "Deep Thoughts", Jack Handey
"My sister thanks you."
-- Paul Wylie to Kurt Browning, "Battle of the Sexes"
"I hope we never lose sight of one thing-- that it all started with a mouse."
-- Walt Disney
"Women don't want men to be dangerous. They want us
to think that because women want to kill us."
-- Dennis Miller
Admiral: I wish I could do more. I wish I were a doctor...
Joel: Well, I wish I were a pixie, but let's get real.
-- Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"
"There is nothing like the logic of an illogical mind."
-- Leon, Neil Simon's "Fools"
"There is a time to think, and a time to act. And gentlemen, this is no time to think."
-- "Canadian Bacon"
Duct tape is like the force-- it has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together. But saying, "May the force be with you,"
sounds a lot better than, "May you be covered with duct tape."
-- Unknown
"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
-- Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-- Unknown
Lisa: I just come here to hang out.
Erin: Oh, you like hanging out?
Lisa: Well, it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah, stuff sucks.
-- The Simpsons
"Remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
-- Mr. Garrison, "South Park"
"Homer no function beer well without."
-- Homer Simpson
"If you ever drop your keys in molten lava, leave them there, because, man, they're gone."
-- "Deep Thoughts", Jack Handey
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
-- Bruce Baum
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -- Ellen DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"It's hard to act awed and surprised for six whole months."
-- Matthew Broderick
"Smoking kills, and when you die, you lose an important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields
"She's exhausted from the pressure of trying to be interesting."
-- Dr. Niles Crane, "Fraiser"
"I really like the color blue. And now that we know each other better, can I borrow ten bucks?"
-- Scott Anderson
"It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns, and also he got a racecar. Is any of this gettin' through to you?"
-- Fry, "Futurama"
"Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!"
-- Bart Simpson
"Now if all of you out there in the audience believe in fairies, clap your
hands and my gun will magically refill with bullets!"
"I don't believe in fairies, boss."
"Then don't clap, idiot."
-- What's Up Tiger Lily?
"I'm not just wondering if there's a point to the movie. I'm wondering if there's a point to anything."
-- Crow T. Robot, Mystery Science Theater 3000
"Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else."
-- Matt Groening
