Grades are A, B, C, D, and F. A is Excellent, and is almost the only
grade given by professors of Art and Music and those whose heart begins
to show as they near retirement. From the standpoint of such a professor,
one of the best things about giving A's is that it is never necessary
to argue with students who think they have been treated unfairly.
B is Very Good or, to professors, Very Convenient. A professor who gives
all B's is not likely to be accused of altering standards. In fact, he
can pride himself on almost never giving an A, and makes snide remarks
about his bird-brained colleagues who do. Moreover, even outstanding
students are not likely to embarrass him by asking him to explain why
they got a B instead of an A. Their records are so good that they can
stand a few B's and still make Phi Beta Kappa.
C is Average, though it really isn't. D is Below Average, and it really is.
One D amidst a string of A's and B's, perhaps in PE, looks terrible.
Once there was a student who got a D in Art. The instructor had asked him to
draw a bead, so he whipped out a revolver. Had the firing pin not jammed,
he might have done even worse in the course.
F is Failure. An F can be brought up to a D if the student takes a make-up
examination, writes an extra paper, or gets something on the professor.
However you look at it, an F is not a very good grade. The F is given
by professors who have acid instead of blood in their veins. The only
professor ever known to give all F's gave up teaching after a year
and became a pig sticker in a slaughterhouse.
How do professors determine grades? Many, at least according to students,
use a Ouija board. Others prefer a dowsing rod. One professor, a
classicist, uses a counting-out rhyme in Latin, after praying to
Minerva and sacrificing one of the neighbor's cats. Probably the most
widespread and satisfactory method is for the professor to turn the
whole nasty buisness over to his wife.
Occasionally, a modern, progressive professor will call the student
into his office for a conference:
Professor: What grade do you think you should get?
Student: I've never really given it a thought.
Professor: Come, come. You must have some idea.
Student: Would a B be too high?
Professor: I'm asking you. You've had a course in Standards and Values, didn't you?
Student: Yes, and I also took Man and Society and Principles and Ethics.
Professor: Good. Then you should have no trouble deciding.
Student: Would an A be all right?
Professor: Whatever you say. After all, it's your grade.
Now, fill out this form and take it to the Registrar, please.
Student: What's this for?
Professor: It's a descriptive comment that accompanies your grade. Use phrases like "Outstanding student, and cooperative." Just don't make it too long. One more thing...
Student: What's that?
Professor: Don't forget to sign my name.
Grade reports are sent to the student, with a copy to the parents, at the end
of each semester. Students who revove their grade report from the mailbox, so
it will not get to their parents are commiting a federal offense...
