Supertown Challenge - part 2

It returns with MUSIC AND APPLAUSE, DICK IN CENTRE-DOWNSTAGE AND GWEN AT HER DESK.

DICK
Welcome back to Supertown Challenge. Say Gwen...

GWEN
Yes, Dick?

DICK MOVES TO GWEN'S DESK AND LEANS ON IT.

DICK
During the commercial break the ladies of Whoserville told me that this Colin Mochrie guy is really good to his fans.

GWEN
That's very true, Dick. He's answered every one of my emails.

DICK
You email Colin Mochrie? You told me you don't have a computer.

GWEN
I ... go to a cyber cafe. Yeah, that's it.

DICK
Oh, well that's all right then. For a second there I thought you just didn't want to email me.

GWEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AND DICK JOINS IN, OBLIVIOUS.

DICK
Anyway, that's just one more thing that Colin Mochrie and I have in common ... I am exceedingly good to my fans.

GWEN
Oh, yes, you signed his bar coaster on the way out of the studio last week, I remember that.

DICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, PULLS AT HIS TIE AND MOVES BACK TO CENTRE-STAGE.

DICK
Anyway...

THE SHAMELESS PLUG SIGN FALLS SUDDENLY FROM ABOVE, UNATTACHED TO ANYTHING. IT SHATTERS INTO TWO PIECES AT DICK'S FEET.

ANNOUNCER
Sorry, Dick, we thought we had that fixed.

DICK
What are you trying to do, kill me? You incompetent bunch of...

GASP IS HEARD FROM THE WHOSERVILLE TEAM. DICK LOOKS OVER.

JESSIE
He certainly doesn't have the patience of Colin, does he?

GWEN
No, he certainly doesn't. You should see him when he has to wait five minutes for his latte. Let's get on with the Shameless Plugs, shall we?

DICK
Right! As our regular viewers know, the Shameless Plugs round gives each team the opportunity to boast about their town in the style of their choice. Who would like to start?

JEN SHRIEKS, CAUSING ALL ON STAGE TO JUMP.

JEN
We'll start, Dick!

DICK
Okay, Hansontown, what is your Shameless Plug?

THE HANSONTOWN TEAM MOVES CENTRE-STAGE, EACH CARRYING A STRINGY BLOND WIG, WHICH THEY PLACE ON THEIR HEADS WITH GIDDY ENTHUSIASM.

JANE
Dick, Judge Gwen...we are going to sing about our town to the tune of that classic Hanson hit, "MMMBOP!"

JAN
Music, please!

BOB PLAYS THE MMBOP MUSIC. THE HANSONTOWN TEAM JUMP AROUND AND START TO SING, OFF-KEY AND OFF-BEAT...

HANSONTOWN
Oh, Hansontown is the town we love
It is the place that we call home
The reason that we love it is because
It is the place where we were born...

GWEN
(desperately)
Uh, Hansontown? Hansontown, excuse me.....HANSONTOWN!!!

THE MUSIC COMES TO A SCREECHING HALT. THE GIRLS LOOK UP INNOCENTLY.

JAN
Yes, Judge?

GWEN
One hundred points if you stop right now!

JANE
Well, I don't know...

DICK
(pleading)
Oh, do it. Do it for the good of your town!

THE HANSONTOWN GIRLS GIGGLE, NOD IN AGREEMENT AND BOUNCE BACK TO THEIR SPACES.

DICK
And take off those wigs! Okay, Whoserville, what is your Shameless Plug?

JULIE
Dick, in honor of "Whose Line is it Anyway?", we've decided to do our Shameless Plug in the style of a Hoedown!

CHEERS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE TOWNSPEOPLE LISTENING OVER THE INTERNET FEED.

LORI
We'll each be singing a Hoedown, Dick, and we think it would be a great idea if you tried one, too!

DICK
A Hoedown? I dunno, those are pretty corny.

GWEN
Oh, I love a man who can sing a Hoedown. Especially the way Colin Mochrie does them!

THE WHOSERVILLE TEAM SIGHS IN DREAMY AGREEMENT.

JESSIE
Remember that one about giving birth?

JULIE
And the one he did about going gray?

LORI
And the barrister Hoedown....

WHOSERVILLE and GWEN
Awwwwwwwwww!!!!

DICK
Okay, okay, I'll do a Hoedown! What's the topic?

JULIE
We're each going to describe our town in the style of a Hoedown, then you can jump in with one of your own about what you've learned from our songs!

DICK
That sounds complicated.

GWEN
It is, Dick. It means you'll actually have to listen to the Shameless Plug.

DICK
Well, there's a first time for everything. Hit it!

THE MUSIC STARTS AS THE WHOSERVILLE TEAM AND DICK RUSH OUT TO CENTRE-STAGE.

LORI
The Fanship known as Whoserville is in Ontario
There we celebrate "Whose Line", 'cause we all love the show!
We chat and post and chat some more We go to tapings a'plenty!
We'll start a real commune someday when we have the money!

GWEN
That's actually a bit disturbing...

JULIE
Well I moved up to Whoserville from the U.S. of A.,
It's such a terrific place; it's where I want to stay.
Everyone's so friendly, and it's my good luck,
The townspeople made me an honorary Canuck!

JESSIE
Well our great Whoserville has quite a history
And I'll sing it out for you, la la la lee lee
10 years we've been around, been a community for 2 have we
and so we maintain even if most addresses start with http://

DICK'S TURN. HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR WITH AN EXAGGERATED SWOON. THE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY AND DICK RISES, GRINNING.

GWEN
What was that, Dick?

DICK
That was my Hoedown. I "pulled a Colin"!

JESSIE
Uh, no, Dick...Colin always sings at least a couple of lines before fainting...

JULIE
Or having a heart attack...

LORI
Or shouting "Instrumental!"

GWEN
Yes, Dick, that wasn't "pulling a Colin", that was just bailing out!

THE WHOSERVILLE TEAM STARTS TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES AND NODDING IN AGREEMENT.

JULIE
Dick, we're not trying to pick on you. It's just that there's a certain way that Colin does things.

GWEN
With...what's the word I'm looking for....finesse?

LORI
Yes, that's it! Dick, if you want Gwen to see you the way she sees Colin, you've got to work on it. You can't change overnight!

DICK
But this is only a half-hour show. Teach me, teach me, I want to learn! Gwen, I can be the man you want!

GWEN
Dick, about that half-hour show you mentioned...I think we ought to get on with it. Anyway, that was really great, Whoserville. Half a point each.

JESSIE
Um, Gwen, don't the points actually count on this show?

GWEN
Oh, right. OK, 100 points to Whoserville.

WHOSERVILLE RETURNS TO THEIR PLACES. A STAGEHAND WALKS OUT ONSTAGE AND WHISPERS TO DICK, THEN LEAVES THE STAGE.

DICK
Oh good, it's ready!

GWEN
What's ready?

DICK
A little something I arranged during the commercial.

TWO STAGEHANDS WALK OUT, CARRYING BETWEEN THEM A TALL OBJECT HIDDEN BENEATH A SHEET. THEY SET IT DOWN NEAR CENTRE STAGE AND LEAVE.

DICK
C'mere, Gwen! I have a surprise for you!

GWEN WALKS OUT TO CENTRE STAGE, A BIT WARILY.

GWEN
Dick, what have you done?

DICK
Look!

HE REMOVES THE SHEET, REVEALING A LIFE-SIZE CUTOUT OF RYAN STILES. THE WHOSERVILLE PLAYERS GASP IN SURPRISE AND DELIGHT. A CHEER COMES UP FROM THE INTERNET FEED.

GWEN
Dick, why do you have a picture of Ryan Stiles?

DICK
Whoserville told me he and Colin are best friends!

GWEN
So?

DICK
Don't you think we go well together?

DICK STANDS NEXT TO THE CUTOUT.

DICK
(very, very forced)
Hey, Ryan! Say, let's play Film & Theater Styles! Gosh, you're so tall! Ha, ha! Wow, we're a wacky pair!

THE WHOSERS ALL SLAP A HAND TO THEIR FOREHEADS IN FRUSTRATION.

LORI
Not quite, Dick.

GWEN
Really Dick, this is getting out of hand! Let's continue the game!

SHE RETURNS TO HER DESK. DEJECTED, DICK MOTIONS FOR THE STAGEHANDS TO REMOVE THE CUTOUT. THEY DO SO, AND THE WHOSERS TURN TO WATCH IT LEAVE THE STAGE.

JESSIE
Hey, can we have that?

DICK SPINS THE WHEEL. IT LANDS ON "MUSIC".

DICK
OK, um … name three actors besides the Spice Girls who appeared in the film "Spice World".

HANSONTOWN RINGS IN.

DICK
Hansontown?

JAN
Stephen Fry!

JANE
Neil Mullarkey!

JEN
Hugh Laurie!

DICK
I thought you girls only knew about Hanson.

JAN
Spice Girls are our second-favorites!

JANE
Spice Girls are the female Hanson!

JEN
Girl Power!

THEY ALL SHRIEK. EVERYONE ELSE CRINGES.

GWEN
200 points to Hansontown if they shut up now!

HANSONTOWN SHUTS UP.

DICK
Well, Gwen, it's time for the final round! Who's leading?

GWEN
Well, Whoserville has 250 points, and Hansontown has 300 points. That means Whoserville chooses the final game.

JESSIE
We'd like to challenge Hansontown to a game of "Questions Only"!

DICK
What's that?

GWEN
Don't you know?

DICK
Am I supposed to?

GWEN
Is the Pope Catholic?

DICK
I've heard that before…

GWEN HITS HER BUZZER. THE TWO TEAMS LINE UP ON EITHER SIDE OF THE STAGE, JESSIE AND JEN IN THE MIDDLE.

GWEN
OK, the scene is … you're at a fan club meeting. That's something you should all be familiar with. You may only speak in questions, and the last team member left standing is the winner. OK, anytime you're ready.

JESSIE
Did you bring the notes from the last meeting?

JEN
Was I supposed to?

JESSIE
Didn't you get my message?

JEN
What message?

JESSIE
Why didn't you check your answering machine?

JEN
I did!

GWEN HITS HER BUZZER. JEN LEAVES AND IS REPLACED BY JANE.

JANE
Isn't Hanson the greatest band in the whole wide world?

JESSIE STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AND IS BUZZED OUT. LORI STEPS IN.

LORI
Have you seen the Hanson posters?

JANE
Hanson? Where? Show me show me show me!!!

GWEN BUZZES.

GWEN
Much more of a shriek than a question.

JANE LEAVES. JAN STEPS IN.

JAN
What are you doing here?

LORI
Aren't I a fan?

JAN
Have you ever been here before?

LORI
Don't you recognize me?

JAN
Are you Scary Spice?

LORI
Ugh! I'm insulted!

GETS BUZZED OUT AND LEAVES THE STAGE. JULIE STEPS IN.

JULIE
Have you met anyone in Hanson?

JAN
Have you?

JULIE
Do you really think I want to?

JAN
Why not?

JULIE
Don't you realize they're just a teenybopper sensation?

JAN
Are not!

JAN GETS BUZZED OUT. WHOSERVILLE CHEERS. THEY ALL RETURN TO THEIR PLACES.

GWEN
Well played, Whoserville! Sixty points!

DICK
Making Whoserville, Ontario this week's Supertown!

THE WHOSERVILLE TEAMS JUMPS AROUND AND CHEERS, AS DO THE TOWNSFOLK ONLINE. DICK MOVES CENTRE-STAGE.

DICK
Gwen! Let me do another Hoedown for you! I know I can get it right this time!

GWEN
We're out of time, Dick.

DICK
Aww, c'mon, just this once!

GWEN
All right, all right. Go ahead.

DICK
Okay, here goes…

HE ADAPTS COLIN'S HOEDOWN DANCE AND MANNER PERFECTLY.

DICK
Gwen, I think you're the greatest woman that there is alive.
I really really am sincere, Gwen, this really is no jive.
Whenever I'm around you, I get a little awed …

DICK FAINTS. THERE'S APPLAUSE THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO. GWEN AND THE WHOSERS RUSH TO DICK. HE REMAINS LYING ON THE FLOOR.

GWEN
Dick, that was wonderful! I'm so touched!

JESSIE
That was perfect, Dick!

JULIE
It was as if you were Colin himself!

LORI
Very impressive, Dick!

DICK STILL DOESN'T GET UP.

GWEN
Dick? Um … Dick? You can get up now.

SHE NUDGES HIM WITH HER FOOT. HE DOESN'T MOVE.

JESSIE
Um, I think he's actually fainted.

GWEN
Oh, for heaven's sake. Can we get some smelling salts out here?

A STAGEHAND RUSHES OUT WITH SMELLING SALTS. HE WAVES THEM UNDER DICK'S NOSE. DICK COMES TO, AND STANDS UP.

DICK
How'd I do?

JULIE
A bit too realistic.

GWEN
Face it Dick, you'll never be as good as Colin Mochrie! Now end the show!

DICK
(Reluctantly)
Fine ... thanks for joining us. Remember … if you didn't have a home town, you'd be from nowhere! We'll see you next week, right here on...

AUDIENCE
Supertown Challenge!

CREDITS ROLL AND THE THEME MUSIC PLAYS AS THE TWO TEAMS JOIN DICK AND GWEN CENTRE-STAGE. WHOSERVILLE AND HANSONTOWN ARE SHOWING EACH OTHER THEIR PHOTOS OF THE WLIIA CAST AND HANSON. JESSIE STARTS TALKING TO THE RYAN STILES CUTOUT AND POSES WITH IT FOR PICTURES TAKEN BY JULIE AND LORI. DICK STARTS DOING THE HOEDOWN DANCE AGAIN, URGING GWEN TO JOIN HIM AND SHE FINALLY GIVES IN.

ANNOUNCER
If you have seen this show and still think you want to compete on behalf of your town, please send all bribes ... I mean compliments, to Hamilton Wentworth, care of Supertown Challenge. This is Hamilton Wentworth speaking, saying have a good day.

THE END

back to Authors main page
back to Whose Line main page
back to Julie's Corner

This page hosted by GeoCities Get your own Free Home Page


1