"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THE WHOSERS!" *********************************** A "Whose Line is it Anyway?" / "You Can't Do That on Television" crossover By Jeff K. DISCLAIMER: The Whosers in the following work are real. Only certain names have been changed to protect the innocent (and no, I don't mean Emile!). ************************************************************************************************ PRE-EMPT (Photo of Stephen Fry and John Sessions) ANNOUNCER (voiceover) "Stephen Fry and John Sessions Play Helping Hands" will not be seen at this time, because you can't say "hand" on this network. In its place, we present the following program in desperate need of help. ***** BEDROOM SET (Julie is sitting on the bed staring glassy-eyed into space. Jessie is standing in front of her waving a gold hypnotic pendulum, while Jeff looks on disapprovingly.) JESSIE ... and when you wake up, you will no longer constantly talk about Whose Line is it Anyway?... JEFF I'm not sure I like this idea at all, Jess! JESSIE Jeff, quit worrying! It's the only way to cure a Whoser! JEFF Maybe she doesn't need to be cured! JESSIE She asked me to do it! Trust me, it's okay! JEFF It just seems dangerous. JESSIE Jeff, I know what I'm doing. Besides, a person under hypnosis can't be talked into doing anything they don't really want to do deep down! JEFF Are you sure? JESSIE Watch, I'll show you. Julie... jump out the window! (Julie slowly rises from the bed and heads for the window, then flings herself through without opening it first. We hear a THUD as Jeff and Jessie rush to the window.) JULIE (off camera) OH, MY HEAD... OH! MY LEG... CALL A DOCTOR, CALL AN AMBULANCE... OH, MOAN, GROAN... JEFF (excitedly) Jess, you did it! She's not talking about Whose Line!!! ***** OPENING ANIMATION ***** FIRING SQUAD SET (Emile is at the post.) CAPITANO Ready... aim... EMILE Wait a minute, wait! Stop the execution! CAPITANO What is it this time? EMILE Before I die, I have a last request... I simply must do one final hoedown! CAPITANO Ah, not to worry, there will be plenty of hoedowns where YOU'RE going, right, amigos? Ha ha... EMILE But the music's starting now, listen! (Hoedown music begins to play) CAPITANO (looking around) What?... What is this?... EMILE It's the Execution Hoedown! You're first, go ahead! CAPITANO Hoedown?... But... I can't... EMILE Okay, okay, I'll go first! We'll switch! (They change places) EMILE Now here's how to do it... OH, EXECUTIONS REALLY AREN'T VERY MUCH FUN WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL OF A GUN BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOR NOW I'VE ACHIEVED MY DESIRE TO BE THE ONE BESIDE YOU SHOUTING "READY, AIM, FIRE!!!" (Capitano gets shot.) CAPITANO That... is one... sneaky... (He falls to the ground.) EMILE Good thing he didn't say "kid", or I'd have had to kill him... Oh, wait... ***** BARTH'S (Jessie, Sam, Merts, and Nick are seated at a booth.) BARTH (bringing out food) Here they are... your Whoserburgers! JESSIE I have to admit it, Barth, for once you had a good idea! BARTH Well, you people talk so much about that What Line Was it Anyhow show, so I figgered... NICK Yeah, naming the food after contestants was a stroke of genius! BARTH (proudly) Not just NAMING... MERTS What do you mean, "not just naming"...? SAM What do you think he means? Who do you think's IN the burgers? BARTH Very funny, very funny! You really think I'd do that? SAM Well, no... BARTH Course not... Patterson's price was too high. So I did the next best thing... JESSIE (spitting out a mouthful of hair) Barth! There's hair in my Ryanburger! BARTH (even more proudly) Yep, he was in here last week... didn't even notice... JESSIE But there's no hair in HER burger! MERTS That's why I ordered the Clive. NICK (picking hair out of his food) Barth, why is this hair so frizzy? BARTH You ordered the Josie, didn't you? NICK But Josie hasn't had frizzy hair since 1988! BARTH Yep... I remember, she changed her hair, oh, about a week after I made that... (Everyone in the booth throws up.) ***** LINK SET (Julie and Emile are standing center stage.) JULIE Emile, where's Jeff? He was supposed to be here by now! EMILE No idea, but we'd better start. JULIE Right. "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, the show where nothing's made up, and it doesn't matter that there's no point." EMILE "Today's show is all about..." (Jeff suddenly runs in wearing a loud plaid jacket.) JEFF Well, hiya, hiya, hiya, hope I'm not too late for the intro! How's it going, Emile, old buddy, old pal? (Jeff slaps Emile on the back hard.) EMILE OOF.... it WAS going okay... JULIE Actually you are late, but we didn't finish the intro yet... JEFF Thanks Julie... Julie! (starts singing) "Julie, Julie, Julie, do ya love me...." JULIE Jeff, have you been into the wineb scollers again? JEFF Why no, I never work when I'm drinking! Where's the cue card? "Good evening, ladies and germs!" Get it? Germs? Ha ha ha... EMILE Jeff, what are you doing? And what's that smell? JEFF Smell? Oh... it must be almost time for my annual bath. Or... it could just be this TROUT I brought you! (Jeff produces a large trout from his jacket and flings it at Emile and Julie.) JULIE Jeff, you had better explain yourself before I strangle you. JEFF Okay, okay. I figured anyone could do a conventional intro, but since today's show is all about losers, I thought I'd demonstrate by being the biggest loser in the world. Pretty cool idea, huh? JULIE Oh yeah, lovely... except the show is about WHOSERS!!! JEFF It's about what??? EMILE Whosers... you know, those obsessive fans of Whose Line is it Anyway? who live and breathe the show? JULIE Right...US!!! Whosers... NOT losers!!! ROSS (entering stage left) I thought they were the same thing! JULIE Ross, you stick to stage managing and we'll make the jokes, okay? ROSS And it's about time you started! JEFF (removing jacket) Okay, okay, first we'll reshoot this intro, and then... ROSS Not a chance! There's no budget for retakes! JEFF But Ross, I made an idiot out of myself! Give me another chance... ROSS Don't worry, you'll have plenty of chances to make an idiot out of yourself... and I bet you'll take every one! (as he exits) All right, everyone set up for the classroom sketch... JEFF (falling to his knees) Oh come on, Ross! Just one more take! Please! PLEASE!!! EMILE Sorry, Jeff. Beggars can't be Whosers. (Julie starts to strangle Emile.) ***** CLASSROOM SET (Cast seated at desks as usual) TEACHER All right, settle down... now who can name the 8th President of the United States of America? Sam? SAM What are you asking me for? I'm Canadian!!! TEACHER Sam... don't make waves! Now who was the 8th President of the United States of America? SAM Actually, I think I do know this one. Yeah, the 8th President... wasn't he the one who said... (pulls out slip of paper and reads) "The flying fish are lovely in Ohio this time of year"? (Laughter from all around) TEACHER NO, he most certainly was not! JULIE Oh, I think she's right, sir. And his campaign slogan was... (pulls out slip of paper and reads) "Grab the gun, Trisha!" (More laughter) TEACHER All right, Julie. Since you seem to know so much about the man, suppose YOU tell us his name! JULIE Why, I'd be glad to! His name was of course... (She faints, prompting a round of applause.) TEACHER There you go again, playing games! You people are entirely too obsessed with your silly games! Do you think I got where I am by playing games? Donna! Can YOU answer the question? DONNA What question? TEACHER Weren't you listening? DONNA How could I listen with all the noise? TEACHER WHO WAS THE 8TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? DONNA Was it a Republican? TEACHER What difference does that make? DONNA Don't you know the difference between Republicans and Democrats? TEACHER Are you playing a game with me? DONNA Aren't you playing along? TEACHER ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY? DONNA Would I do that? TEACHER HOW SHOULD I KNOW? DONNA Aren't you the teacher? TEACHER (slaps head) Where does the school board find them, and why do they keep sending them to me??? JESSIE (whispers to Sam) Are we really THAT obsessed? SAM (whispers back) Why do you think we're all still in grade school? ***** DUNGEON SET (Nick is chained to the wall.) NASTI Congratulations, Nick! Today is the day of your release! NICK All right! Blue skies... Barfy burgers... WHOSE LINE!!! NASTI (as he unchains Nick) Ah, yes, you've talked about nothing but that show for five years! NICK But that's all over at last! I can't wait to see Josie again! NASTI Too bad, because you'll have quite a long wait. NICK You mean... she's not on the show anymore? NASTI Gone... finished... kaput! NICK Then who do Paul Merton and Tony Slattery trade insults with? NASTI (with evil grin) Nobody... NICK You don't mean...??? NASTI (making slashing motion across his throat) Both of them! NICK But they were all so good... how can they maintain their standard of comedy?... NASTI Oh, not to worry, Colin and Ryan have picked up the slack quite nicely. Every episode is full of their... NICK Wait a minute, Colin and Ryan are in EVERY episode? Don't get me wrong, I like those guys, but having two out of four seats the same each week seems... NASTI Three. NICK THREE?!?! NASTI Oh, you must see Wayne, he's hilarious! NICK But three out of four? How does Clive feel about that? NASTI (evil grin returning) He doesn't have much to say about it... NICK NO!!! NASTI Ah, but the new host is a marvelous American comedian... NICK Hold on... an AMERICAN comedian??? NASTI Yes, and he's quite good... except when he tries to do improv. NICK HE TRIES TO DO IMPROV??? NASTI Yes, and he's improving... but slowly... NICK Those handcuffs are starting to look awful good... NASTI Bite your tongue! You can't say a word like "hand" on that show anymore! NICK Oh, come on, TCN would never censor Whose Line! NASTI No... but ABC would! NICK ABC?!?! The network owned by.... DISNEY??? NASTI That's the one! NICK (trying to get back into chains) NO! NO! Lock me up! I can't take it! NASTI Come now, Nick, you have a life to lead... NICK What life? Censored Whose Line... no Brits! Chain me back up, please!!! (Nasti drags Nick away as he continues to protest.) ***** DINING ROOM SET (We open on a two-shot of Merts and Mom at the dinner table. Merts is typing away at a computer keyboard.) MOM And how was your day, dear?... Sweetheart?...Hello?... Lance, will you please tell your daughter not to use the computer at the dinner table? DAD Ya know, yer mother's right, aren't ya on that computer a bit too much lately? MERTS What?... Oh, I'm sorry, I was chatting with Donna on the computer... MOM MUST you do it during dinner? MERTS But we're Whosers! This is how we share all the latest information! DAD Cum on now, I never had a computer and look how I turned out! MOM You're not helping, Lance! (to Merts) I understand that you enjoy chatting with other... Hosers... MERTS Whosers! MOM Whosers... but you're getting carried away! MERTS You just don't understand! Before I became a Whoser, I had no social life at all! The Whosers got me out of my shell! Now I'm somebody... I'm a Whoser... and Whosers chat! Now give me one good reason why I shouldn't be chatting with Donna on this computer! MOM Because she's sitting right next to you at the table!!! (We cut to a wide shot showing Donna sitting next to Merts, also typing away and staring at her own screen.) MOM Honestly, I think both of you have taken this obsession entirely too far! MERTS No, we haven't! DAD Of course ya have... why do ya think yer both still livin' at home? DONNA (as she types) "He's... got... a... point... there... Merts." MERTS (typing back) "Don't... encourage... him." ***** LINK SET (Everyone is hanging out on the set doing nothing.) ROSS (entering stage left as usual) What do you people think you're doing? We've got a show to do! EMILE But Ross, we ARE doing the show! ROSS What do you mean, you're doing the show! We don't pay you to sit around and goof off like the lazy slugs you are! JULIE Ah, but this show is about Whosers, remember? We're just doing what Whosers do best! They sit and chat... DONNA ... and chat, and chat... JEFF ... and then they go to bed... so wake me up when the show is over! (Jeff turns over and lies down on the bottom riser, where he remains for the remainder of the sketch.) ROSS Then you won't make a very good impression on your special guest... SAM Oh, are you bringing the president of the network by? Good, I've got a few words for him! ROSS It just so happens I've lined up an actual star of Whose Line is it Anyway? to appear at the end of the show! EMILE Sure, Ross, who is it, the janitor? JESSIE No, probably the wardrobe mistress... JULIE Maybe Clive's hairdresser? ROSS No, you dim bulbs, I mean actual star as in "has appeared on the show"! SAM Oh great, he's probably got Archie Hahn backstage... or George McGrath... NICK Naah, he probably dug up the bones of Peter Cook! ROSS What do you take me for? I'm talking dozens and dozens of appearances! DONNA Okay, Ross, so just who is your mystery guest, hmmm? ROSS You'll find out... JESSIE Uh huh. Nice try, Ross, we weren't born yesterday! MERTS Right, we've been on this show for... (looks puzzled, turns to Nick) How long have we been on this show? NICK About five minutes. MERTS Thank you. (turns back to Ross) We've been on this show for... FIVE MINUTES?!?!?! NICK Seems like an eternity... SAM What she's trying to say, Ross, is that you may have been able to fool the kids you worked with for all those years, but you're dealing with adults now! ROSS (looking around) I am? Where??? JULIE Very cute, Ross. Why don't you try putting as much effort into your little schemes as your wisecracks? JESSIE Yeah, it takes more than that to put one over on the Whosers! ROSS All I'm saying is that I promise there WILL be a mainstay of the Whose Line cast on this stage at the end of the show! Use that information wisely... (He exits.) NICK What a sleaze. EMILE Guys... suppose there really IS going to be a Whose Line contestant here! SAM Come on, Emile, even you can't be THAT naive... EMILE Well, he DID say this person had made dozens and dozens of appearances. That would have to mean... NICK It's got to be a trick. DONNA Yeah, Nick is right... for once. MERTS But suppose it isn't? JESSIE Now look, are we really so desperate to set eyes on a Whose Line contestant that we take that chance and fall for one of Ross's dirty tricks? JULIE Of course not. DONNA No, never. EMILE Umm... how long until the end of the show? NICK Oh, about 24 minutes or so... (They all sit looking at each other for a few seconds, then a mad scramble ensues as they all rush offstage. The camera stays on the empty set for a few more seconds, then a disheveled-looking Jeff emerges from the bottom of the screen covered in footprints.) JEFF (staggering around) HEY... I said to wake me up when the show was OVER... ***** BLIP'S ARKAID (Nick is totally absorbed in a video game labeled "Whose Video Game is it Anyway?" as Blip looks on. Julie and Sam enter.) JULIE Hey Blip, what's the new game? BLIP Oh, it's my latest addition, based on that TV show you all love so much! Your friend is doing real well! NICK Oh yeah... real well! BLIP You're doin' great, just great! Careful of those flying Twiglets! SAM So what's the object? NICK Blip... hasn't... told me yet. BLIP It'd just mess you up, you're doin' so good there! Uh-oh, look out for the neon love chicken! (Loud explosion sound effects from the game) BLIP You got him! That's 872 points there! NICK I have no idea... what I just did! BLIP Just keep on going... there's Dan Patterson! Hit him with a salami! JULIE Can I play next, Blip? This looks like fun! BLIP Of course, Julie, just one dollar per play... SAM ONE DOLLAR? But all the other games are a quarter! BLIP But isn't it worth it to be virtually in your favorite show? (to Nick) It's the Creature from Essex! Dodge it! Dodge it! NICK What?... How?... BLIP Get on your moped... but don't hit the animals crossing the road! NICK Blip... I think... you're making this up! (Loud "running out of steam" sound effect from the game) NICK Wha... what happened? BLIP You hit a jam shortage! Game over! NICK WHAT??? No free game or anything? But I had 8 million points! BLIP That's right, it's "Whose Video Game is it Anyway?", the game where everything's made up and the points don't matter, hee hee hee... Hey, where's everybody going? ***** SCHOOL BUS (Everyone is being thrown back and forth violently as the projected background whizzes by at an alarming speed.) EMILE (tripping and stumbling his way to the front) Snake Eyes, slow down! You're gonna put us all in the hospital! SNAKE EYES I can't, I just gotta catch that new show Vs., with that guy from Whose Line, what's his name...? EMILE Greg... (he falls to the floor)... UNHHH! SNAKE EYES No, not Greg Unhhh, Greg Proops, that's it! He's so funny, heh heh heh... MERTS (emerging from under a seat with her hair in her face) Yes, he's very funny! But that doesn't mean you can't be a little more careful! SNAKE EYES But if I slow down any, I might miss the show! And I promised myself after the one I saw that I wouldn't miss any more! JESSIE (as she's flung to the front) But Snake Eyes... OOF... Vs. isn't even on in Canada! SNAKE EYES It is in America! EMILE (picking himself dazedly up off the floor) America?.... MERTS Snake Eyes! You can't possibly get to America by 5:00! SNAKE EYES Well, don't you think I know that? That's why I'm headed for L.A.... gives us three more hours to get there! Now HANG ON... (The projected background accelerates to a blur, and everyone is thrown backward.) EMILE Even WE'RE not THAT obsessed! JESSIE Of course we are... EVERYONE IN UNISON ... WHY DO YOU THINK WE NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE??? ***** LINK SET (Nick and Donna are decorating the set with WL quotes.) DONNA I can't believe Ross actually locked the green room. NICK He's really trying to keep this mystery guest of his a secret. DONNA Either that, or he's trying to keep YOU a secret from the mystery guest! NICK Oh yeah? Well... (Jeff suddenly rushes onstage.) JEFF Aha! Our mystery is solved! Look what I found just outside the green room... a HAIR! NICK Yeah... that's a hair, all right... JEFF A hair from a Whose Line contestant! DONNA You can't say that for sure, Jeff! It could be any of ours, or Ross's, or maybe a crew member's... NICK He might have even had a woman in there... no, forget I said that. JEFF Well, I say this hair is going to tell us exactly who Ross has hidden away back there! DONNA Okay, Jeff, let's say that hair IS from a contestant! Do you know how long it'll take to get it to a lab for analysis... and get the results back? There's got to be a simpler solution! NICK Hey, we could just send Donna in there and see who comes running out screaming! DONNA It's locked, remember?... (catches herself) Cute, Nick, real cute. JEFF We don't need to send it to a lab! We have the answer right here at our fingertips... (Jessie enters.) JESSIE Hey, what's going on? JEFF Jess, just the person we wanted to see! Here... identify this! JESSIE Sure, Jeff... IT'S A HAIR! JEFF Yes, but... Whose hair is it, anyway? Come on, this is your department! JESSIE Jeff, you've got it all wrong. Sure, I can identify lots of forms of wildlife, but this doesn't exactly qualify! JEFF Okay... so which Whose Line contestant is living the wild life right now in the green room? JESSIE You've gotta be kidding! I don't know where that's from! (Jessie gets slimed.) JEFF Oh well... back to the drawing board. JESSIE Did Alanis Morissette really start out this way? ***** DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Merts is consulting with the doctor.) MERTS You see, Doctor, lately everything I do or see turns into a Whose Line reference! I'm really worried about myself, I think I'm going crazy! DOCTOR Sounds like a serious problem, Merts. We'd better operate. MERTS (taken aback) Operate?!?! Well... if it's the only way... but it'll take a while to make all the arrangements... DOCTOR No, I think we should do it right now. MERTS NOW????? DOCTOR It's a brand new procedure, I think you'll like it. Just let me call my assistant... ASSISTANT!!! (Emile enters carrying a tray of surgical instruments. He sets them down on the desk in front of them, then the doctor puts his hands behind his back, and Emile thrusts his arms through and starts putting on rubber gloves.) DOCTOR (as Emile plays with the instruments) So shall we start with a simple lobotomy? Or just chisel some of that bone away, make you less of a bonehead? And don't forget this month's special... buy one frontal, get one free! (Merts runs out of the office screaming as Emile picks up something resembling a hacksaw.) DOCTOR What's wrong with her? She's crazier than I thought! (Emile shrugs.) ***** LIVING ROOM SET (Mom and Dad are seated. Jeff comes in and starts to walk out the door.) MOM Hold it right there, young man! Did you remember to put on clean underwear? JEFF Clean underwear? Uh, Mom... it just so happens that I'm 30 years old! MOM Oh, and does that make you any less likely to get in an accident? And have the doctors say, "What kind of mother could this man have had? She never taught him to wear... CLEAN UNDERWEAR!!!" (She starts to cry.) JEFF Mom... Mom... take it easy! I'm only going out with Rachel and Becky! DAD Ya see, Valerie, NO ONE'S gonna be seein' his underwear tonight! JEFF Uh, thanks, Dad... I think. Now, Mom, do you really think after all these years I'd actually go out in dirty underwear? MOM (calming down) No, I suppose not. JEFF Of course not. Anyway, I'll see you... good night! DAD So where ya goin' to? JEFF Oh, it's a costume party... come as a Whose Line is it Anyway? player! I think I've got a pretty good shot at winning! MOM And who are you supposed to be? JEFF Tony Slattery. Good night! DAD Gooood night, son... (Jeff walks out the door.) MOM Odd... he wasn't dressed as Tony Slattery...(Her eyes widen in horror at the sudden realization) GET BACK HERE!!!! ***** LINK SET (Everyone except Sam is decorating the set.) DONNA Well, I'd say it's shaping up nicely! JEFF It'd be nicer if we knew who it was shaping up FOR... (Sam comes rushing in.) SAM Guys! I know who our guest is! (Hardly any reaction) NICK Oh really, and how do you know that? SAM I overheard him talking to Ross! (Everyone quickly comes to attention.) NICK You just got my interest. MERTS So who is it? Greg? Ryan? Wayne? Tony? SAM Better than that... JULIE You don't mean... SAM It's the one and only... John Sessions!!! NICK I can't believe it! That's great news! JESSIE And here I was worried that it would be COLIN for about the hundredth time... JULIE I'm actually going to meet John Sessions! I feel so honored! DONNA I think I'll go change, I want to look really nice for this!!! EMILE WHAT??? What is wrong with you people? We're talking about John Sessions here!!! You must have all gone nuts... unless... this is just... EVERYONE IN UNISON ... THE INTRODUCTION TO THE OPPOSITES!!! (Screen flips) ***** LIVING ROOM SET (OPPOSITE) (Donna and Julie are watching television.) DONNA Don't you just love Friends? JULIE Oh, it's gotta be the best show on the air! So fresh, so innovative... how can they be so clever every week? DONNA And Matt LeBlanc... now THERE'S talent! JULIE And that Matthew Perry! I can't imagine anyone ever making a better use of sarcastic wit... DONNA Well, that's why they've trounced all their competition! JULIE Right, they couldn't possibly put anything on up against it that would make me stop watching THIS show! (Nick bursts in the door.) NICK Quick, change the channel! Kwik Witz is on! (Julie and Donna scramble for the set.) ***** BARTH'S (OPPOSITE) (Jeff, Sam, Emile, and Merts are seated at a booth.) JEFF Hey Barth, what are all these new items on the menu? BARTH Oh, I've decided to upgrade! From now on, Barth's will serve the finest in foreign cuisine! MERTS Look at this! Filet mignon... chateau brigand... EMILE Ewwwww! How disgusting can you get? JEFF Aren't you gonna serve any more Maggotburgers? BARTH Oh, I couldn't... EMILE How about the Roadkill Surprise? BARTH No! Heavens, no! SAM But I'm just dying for some of your famous Cream of Cat! BARTH Never! Never! MERTS And I'll never survive without Chocolate Mouse for dessert! BARTH Well... look... there IS one new item I didn't put on the menu, but you wouldn't want that... SAM What is it? BARTH Twiglets. JEFF/SAM/EMILE/MERTS TWIGLETS???!!! JEFF Oh boy, bring 'em on! I'll have three bags worth! EMILE Make that four for me!!! MERTS Say, Barth... do you think I could take some Twiglets home with me? SAM And I'll take whatever's left over... ***** FRONT PORCH SET (OPPOSITE) (Jessie, Donna, and Nick are seated on the porch. Julie and Sam enter.) JESSIE Hey, what have you two been up to? JULIE Oh, I was just giving Greg Proops my autograph again. The man just can't stay away from me. SAM Yeah, and Steve Frost just had to gush and gush over me... you know how obsessed those contestants are with us Whosers! JESSIE Tell me about it. Last month Colin Mochrie was all over me... and, oh, the innuendo that man used! I was shocked! JULIE You're so sweet and innocent, Jessie. DONNA Of course every Whose Line contestant has come on to me... but I only have eyes for Nick! Right, sugar bear? NICK You know it, honey pie! SAM I don't care if this is an opposite sketch, I'm gonna be sick! (Sam throws up.) ***** SCHOOL HALLWAY (OPPOSITE) (Merts is at a locker. Jeff comes running up.) MERTS Jeff! Did you get it? JEFF (handing her a video) Yep! This is everything... Wayne interviews, a few McShane guest shots, some old promos, and I think there's a rare Ryan Stiles stand-up bit on there! MERTS Great! (She pulls a hammer out of the locker, then puts the video up against the wall and smashes it to smithereens.) JEFF You really are a saint, Merts! If we didn't have you to destroy tapes... everyone would have that stuff! ***** STREET CORNER SET (OPPOSITE) (Sam, Jessie, Emile, and Julie are hanging out.) SAM So how was the taping, you guys? EMILE Oh, pretty typical. They had to do 17 takes because Brad kept misreading the cue cards... He said he wanted to really improvise, can you believe that? JESSIE And Colin and Ryan didn't get a laugh between them. You'd think that by now the producers would realize that those two just don't work well together! EMILE Then Wayne tried to sing, but he was all off key, as usual... JULIE And Greg... Oh, don't get me started on him, he... he... JESSIE What's wrong, Jules? JULIE It's just... I can't! I just can't say bad things about Greg! SAM But Jules, this is an opposite sketch! JULIE I know, I know! (Julie gets slimed.) JULIE What the... ? JESSIE It's an OPPOSITE sketch, Jules... ***** LINK SET (OPPOSITE) (The decorating continues. Nick is hanging a banner that reads "WELCOME JOHN" and a large photo of Sessions is up in the background.) JEFF I can't wait to meet John, this is gonna be great... NICK Tell me about it... (Screen flips--opposites end) NICK WHAT ARE WE DOING??? (He rips down the banner.) EMILE Well, I guess the opposites are over. NICK I'll say they're over! To think we were doing all this for John Sessions! (He pulls down John's picture, then starts tearing down more decorations.) SAM But Nick... NICK (as he continues ripping decorations down) Well, at least now that we know the mystery guest is Sessions, we don't have to bother with this junk anymore! That Ross, I oughta give him a piece of my mind! DONNA Can you spare it? SAM Nick! It's not Sessions! That was just the introduction to the opposites! NICK Oh... Great, now we're right back where we started! DONNA Not exactly, Nick! Now we have half the set to fix up again! NICK Oh, yeah, that... Well, it shouldn't take long with all of us working on it! SAM ALL of us? (Everyone stares daggers at Nick.) NICK Yeah... me, myself, and I. (He gets to work as everyone else files out.) ***** CLASSROOM SET (Sam is in front of the class. The word "IMPROVIZASHUN" is written on the board behind her.) SAM ... so after Clive Anderson invented the cathode ray tube, he had a brainstorm! Why not create a device to beam improv into everyone's home? And so television was born... TEACHER Sam, Sam! Your report on the history of improvisation is very... interesting... SAM Isn't it? Wait'll I get to the part about Paul Merton on that grassy knoll! TEACHER Ah yes, well, first I'd like to check some of your sources... SAM Sources, sir? TEACHER Yes, for example, where did you get the information that Marie Antoinette was beheaded during an exceptionally spirited round of Props? SAM Right from my head, sir! TEACHER You mean... you made it up. SAM Of course! That's what improv is all about, you see, making it all up as you go along! TEACHER I see. Well, you've done a splendid job of improvisation on your report, Sam... SAM Thank you! TEACHER ... So how about I give you some more improvising to do? SAM Sure! TEACHER In the principal's office... improvising a 100-page essay... during your MONTH'S DETENTION!!! ***** ALLEY (The salesman is standing in the alley as usual. Donna walks by, and he grabs her by the arm.) SALESMAN Pardon me, young lady... DONNA Are you talking to me? SALESMAN Is this your arm? DONNA Yes... SALESMAN Then I'm talking to you. I'm about to make you the deal of a lifetime! DONNA WHOSE lifetime? SALESMAN Very clever, my dear, oh, so very clever! Now, such a witty person as yourself must be a fan of Whose Line is it Anyway?, am I correct? DONNA Now how did you figure that out? SALESMAN It's my trained eye, my dear, I've learned to spot Whosers just like that! (snaps fingers) DONNA And I suppose the Whoser convention T-shirt didn't hurt. SALESMAN It was an attention-grabber, indeed. But I won't beat around the bush! How would you like to be the proud owner of an actual prop from Whose Line is it Anyway? DONNA I'd love it. What's the catch? SALESMAN The catch? There's no catch, just a spectacular offer! A prop from the show, actually used by a contestant... and it's yours for only fifty dollars! DONNA FIFTY DOLLARS? SALESMAN Shh... not so loud, young lady, or everyone will be clamoring for this deal! DONNA Fifty dollars?... Well, it does sound intriguing. Actually used by a contestant? Which one? SALESMAN Tony Slattery... in episode 5.3! DONNA Hmmm... you seem to know your stuff! SALESMAN Why, of course, of course, would one Whose Line fan deceive another? Fifty bucks... and it's yours! DONNA Well... SALESMAN Tell you what I'll do, you have such a sweet face, for you I'll make a special deal! Thirty-five dollars! DONNA SOLD! (She gives him the money.) SALESMAN Thank you, thank you, my dear, and HERE is your prop! (He gives her a handful of... nothing.) DONNA What?... Where is it? SALESMAN Right there in your hand! It's the cigarette used by Tony in the jail scene with Paul Merton! A true collector's piece! Now, for a hundred I can give you Paul's moped... DONNA WHAT? Come on, only the most gullible fool in the world would fall for that! I'm calling the police! SALESMAN All right, all right, tell you what, for fifty bucks I can sell you Archie Hahn's whistle! DONNA (leaving) No way! SALESMAN For seventy-five bucks I can sell you Archie Hahn's castanets! DONNA (off camera) FORGET IT! SALESMAN For $9.95 I can sell you Archie Hahn! (Jeff enters looking quite angry.) JEFF HEY, about that moped you sold me... ***** LINK SET (Jessie and Sam are standing on the fully-decorated set, complete with refreshment table. Ross enters.) ROSS Well, I have to say you did get the place looking halfway decent! The refreshments are a very nice touch... (He starts dipping the chips.) JESSIE (snatching chip from his hand) No thanks to you, Ross. And keep out of the food, that's for our guest! SAM It better be someone good, Ross, or the network'll be really mad when they hear how much this stuff cost! ROSS The network? Why should they care... considering this is coming out of your own pockets! JESSIE Excuse me? Our own pockets? ROSS Of course! Our guest didn't demand any of this, it was YOUR idea! Why should the network foot your bill? SAM Ross... isn't there supposed to be money in the budget to make the guests comfortable? ROSS There was. I guess I should never have had that swimming pool installed. Ah well, at least all MY guests are comfortable! Hindsight... JESSIE If this wasn't a family show, Ross... SAM Oh well, Jess! If we're paying for this, I guess that means the good stuff is all ours! (Sam produces a bottle of tequila and starts pouring shots.) ROSS Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing! There's no drinking on this show! JESSIE There is now! SAM Down the hatch! ROSS Wait, WAIT! This IS a family show! If you do that, they'll have us off the air so fast that you'll NEVER get to meet your special guest! JESSIE He's right, Sam. Don't worry, Ross, we weren't really gonna do it on camera. SAM Yeah, and besides, it's watered down... (Sam gets drenched.) ROSS So it is. ***** COMMERCIAL BREAK ***** SUMMER CAMP SET (Emile, Nick, and Jeff are asleep in the cabin. The camp leader enters and blows a whistle.) CAMP LEADER All right, campers, on your feet! It's time for... baseball! NICK (waking up quickly) Baseball??? I don't want to play baseball, it's too early for baseball! EMILE (still sounding tired) Yeah... we've been playing baseball after dinner... CAMP LEADER I know that, but our new owners have decided that since baseball has been so popular around here after dinner, they'd move it! JEFF What about breakfast? CAMP LEADER Well, since breakfast is also so very popular, they thought they'd see how well it would fare at the same time as... baseball!!! NICK What if we want to do both???!!! CAMP LEADER Then you've got a tough decision on your hands. Me... I'll be playing baseball... and I'll be pitching!!! EMILE You? Pitching? Um, no offense, but... you can't pitch! CAMP LEADER I know that, and you know that, but the bosses think I should pitch, so... I'm pitching! And remember, from now on, no swearing, no spitting, and no innuendos about the girls at Camp Kamanawanalea! Strict orders from above! (He exits as the guys get up.) JEFF Things just haven't been the same since ABC started running this camp... ***** FIRING SQUAD SET (Julie is at the post.) CAPITANO Ready... aim... JULIE Wait! Wait a minute! Stop the execution! CAPITANO What is it this time? JULIE Before you shoot me, it's time for this show to provide its daily quota of educational content for the young viewers! CAPITANO Its eduWHAAAAT? JULIE (pulling out several sheets of paper) It's in the new broadcasting regulations. Every family show must contain a minimum of .314% educational value! And this show... let's just say we haven't come close yet! CAPITANO I see. Well, we mustn't deprive the youngsters, eh, amigos? JULIE I think a game of Alphabet would fit the bill... CAPITANO Say, this wouldn't be some sort of sneaky trick, would it, now? JULIE I wish it were. Our scene is... (pulling out a blue card) "El Capitano is about to execute Julie... starting on 'H'." CAPITANO Hmmm, this might not be so bad after all... JULIE I can't stand this, how much longer will it be? CAPITANO Just a few seconds more and it will all be over! JULIE Killing people is so evil, how can you do it? CAPITANO Like this! Ready... aim... JULIE (moving away from the post) Maybe I'll make a run for it! CAPITANO (moving in front of the post) Now you get back here! JULIE Oh, you think you can make me? CAPITANO Perhaps I need to get... persuasive... JULIE Quick, start the execution before I get away! CAPITANO Ready... aim... FIRE!!! (Capitano gets shot and falls to the ground.) JULIE Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself! ***** LINK SET (Emile and Merts are standing on the set.) EMILE It won't be long now, Merts... MERTS I know, I can hardly wait! ROSS (entering stage left) All right, all right, let's clear the set, move it! Our special guest star will be out soon! EMILE OK Ross, where should we stand? ROSS You two? Try standing out in the parking lot! That's as close as you'll get! MERTS But the guest star... ROSS ... is too big to share the stage with a bunch of unknowns! What kind of a show do you think we're running here? DON'T answer that... EMILE You SAID we could meet the guest, Ross! MERTS You certainly did! ROSS Did you tape it? MERTS Of course not! ROSS (smirking) Then I didn't say it! However... just because I have a soft spot in my heart for such pathetic losers... EMILE That's WHOSERS!!! ROSS Whatever. I suppose there's always room... for a paying audience. MERTS Ross, do you honestly expect us to shell out money to meet someone from Whose Line when you won't even tell us who it is? ROSS You are Whosers, aren't you? EMILE Ross... you... you... MERTS Go ahead, Emile, say it for all of us. EMILE You got a deal! (He reaches for his wallet.) ***** PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE (Jessie is seated at a desk.) PRINCIPAL Jessica, your teacher has sent you here because of certain... bizarre behaviors of late. JESSIE LOL! That's a good one! PRINCIPAL Pardon me?... LOL? JESSIE Oh, never mind, sir! Please... do go on! PRINCIPAL Ah, yes, as I was saying, it seems you've been answering all your teacher's questions in some indecipherable code... JESSIE ROTFLMAO!!! Oh, that's ridiculous! PRINCIPAL Yes... ridiculous... and a stop must be put to it immediately! JESSIE Oh, of course, sir! You know I'd never be a troublemaker! (WEG)... PRINCIPAL I'm quite sure a look through your record would prove otherwise... or else you wouldn't have spent 6 of your 12 consecutive years in Grade 4 here in detention. But getting back on topic... JESSIE Hey, you can't change the topic! I never gave you ops! PRINCIPAL Ops, yes... Jessica, I think you'll be staying here for quite a while... JESSIE IDFHTS!!! PRINCIPAL I beg your pardon? JESSIE Oh, nothing... basically all I really have to say to you is U()Oo! PRINCIPAL What was that? JESSIE Never mind, sir, just something else you wouldn't understand... PRINCIPAL No, YOU don't understand, Jessica... It's your teacher who can't figure out these things! Myself, I'm quite well-versed in Whoserspeak... who do you think the MQ really is??? JESSIE Uh oh... PRINCIPAL Ah, finally a statement anyone can understand! Perhaps you'll learn more while you're copying all the words out of this dictionary! (He drops a thick dictionary onto the desk and hands Jessie a pencil and paper.) You should have plenty of time... over the NEXT six years! JESSIE (holding pencil) Hey! How do I work this? I can't find the keyboard... ***** LIBRARY SET (Donna is behind the librarian's desk. Jeff enters with a book.) JEFF Donna? What are you doing here? Aren't we supposed to have the original librarian in this sketch? DONNA You tell me, you wrote it! JEFF Oh, right. Anyway... I'd like to make a complaint about this book of fairy tales I checked out! DONNA What seems to be the problem? JEFF They're just not the way they're supposed to be! Look at this... "Little Bo Peep"! Now there's not one word in here about Bo going out to take a piss! What's the deal? DONNA I'm not sure... JEFF And look at this! "Snow White and the SEVEN Dwarfs"! DONNA What's wrong with that? JEFF Not one reference to Gangly, he's been completely cut out! Are you in the business of censoring books now? DONNA Now calm down, I'm sure I can find you something you might enjoy more! JEFF I'm sure you can! DONNA How about something from the field of nature... JEFF Ha! Not after that dinosaur book you recommended! What a load of bunk! 200 pictures, and not one of them resembled Colin in the slightest! DONNA Okay, okay... performing arts? JEFF Oh, you mean like that classic film guide... WHICH LEFT OUT "REVENGE OF THE SHEEP SHEARER"!!! DONNA Quiet, this IS a library! I've got it... just the right book for you, there's no way you can find fault with it... (She heads for the shelf.) JEFF What is it? DONNA (pulling book down) "Quotations by Richard Vranch". You'll love it. JEFF (examining book) Hmmm... good, light reading. Just what I was looking for. Thanks... say, you wouldn't happen to have the Laura Hall companion volume, would you? ***** MOVIE THEATER SET (Sam, Jessie, Julie, Merts, and Nick are in a row of seats.) SAM Oh, here comes the good part! MERTS Don't spoil it. Some of us haven't seen it! NICK It was already spoiled when they filmed it! This is one of the lamest movies... JESSIE How can you say that about a film with Ryan in it? NICK Are you sure he's in this thing? It's almost over! SAM Positive. It's coming up, just watch closely! NICK All right, but I can't take much more of... (spilling his drink) OOPS! (He leans over to pick it up.) JULIE (pointing at screen) There he is!!! (The entire row starts bouncing. Nick quickly sits up.) NICK What?... Where? MERTS Oh, Nick, you missed him! JULIE Yep... right up there on the screen, larger than life for half a second... Ryan's left elbow! It was thrilling! MERTS I got goosebumps! NICK Left elbow?... JESSIE I just can't see it enough times... JULIE Too bad you missed it, Nick! SAM Hey Jess, why don't we just go talk to the projectionist? NICK The projectionist? JESSIE Yeah, he knows us... we come see this flick every week! I'm sure he'll run it back for you, we'll just tell him you're a friend of ours... NICK Don't tell him that. ***** LINK SET (Merts is talking to Jeff and Donna.) DONNA You mean Ross is going to charge us to meet his mystery person? MERTS Through the nose. We should have known. JEFF Are we actually gonna pay him? DONNA (indicating the decorated set) Well, Jeff, we've gone this far, I don't see as we have another choice... (Nick rushes onto the set.) NICK Wait! Hold it! Save your money! I've figured out who the mystery guest is... it's Ashley! DONNA ASHLEY??? NICK Think about it... MERTS Hmmm... "has appeared on the show"... JEFF "Dozens and dozens of appearances"... in the audience! I think you're onto something, Nick! DONNA Now just hold on! Sure, Ross is low enough to pull such a dirty trick... but why would Ash go along? She's got nothing against any of us! JEFF She's got a point, Nick. NICK Hmmm... I hate to admit it, but... MERTS (sheepishly) Well... she wasn't too thrilled with me the night I forgot to turn off the oven... JEFF Uh oh. MERTS And she was pretty upset when I accidentally left the lights on all night... DONNA Oh dear... MERTS And then there was the night I left the water running... (Merts gets drenched.) JEFF Nice going! MERTS All I said was that I left the water running, and... (She gets it again.) DONNA Merts, you've gotta be more careful what you say around here! MERTS You mean every time I say water, I'll get... (She gets it a third time.) NICK Just what are you trying to accomplish here? MERTS I've never seen this show before in my life! I don't know what not to say! (She gets slimed.) DONNA I think she knows now! JEFF Give her an hour. She'll forget. ***** LOCKER ROOM SET (The locker room is apparently empty when the coach bursts in.) COACH Men! MEN! Where are you, you sissies! The game's about to start! (He opens up a locker and finds Emile hiding inside wearing a hockey uniform.) EMILE Please, Coach, don't make me go out there! Crusher Willis is on that team, he'll murder us!!! (The coach opens two more lockers and finds Nick and Jeff wearing identical uniforms.) NICK Yeah, he said he was gonna break the goalie's neck!!! COACH What a bunch of wimps! Get out there before I... JEFF Coach, you sure you want us out there? We have lost our last 31 games... COACH Ah, but that's why I've signed a new goalie who's gonna solve all our problems! His name's Clive Anderson! NICK CLIVE ANDERSON? COACH Course, I ain't seen him play, but he came highly recommended.... JEFF Recommended by who? COACH Another coach... in fact, the guy we're playing against tonight. He says nobody gets any points if this Clive guy ain't in the mood... great against hat tricks... and if it's breaking the goalie's neck you're worried about, you got NO problem! So let's all get out there and win one, whaddaya say? EMILE Coach... have you ever seen Whose Line is it Anyway? COACH Whose Line is it Anyway? What's that? EMILE That's what we thought. (They all disappear into the lockers and slam the doors.) COACH (pounding on the doors) HEY... Hey, you guys! ***** LIVING ROOM SET (The room is decorated for a party. Julie is rushing around making preparations as Mom looks on skeptically.) JULIE Don't just sit there, Mom, my first guest will be here any minute! MOM I just don't understand, dear. Lately you've been inviting the strangest people to your parties... and they never stay for any length of time... (Doorbell rings) JULIE Oh, it's my first guest! (opening the door) Hi Sam, come on in! SAM Hi. Don't mind the tire tracks on my chest, it's so hard to dodge those speeding yellow objects... JULIE Oh, Sam, you've been run over by Snake Eyes! SAM Right. See ya. (Sam exits.) MOM Three seconds... and we spent all that money on refreshments... (Doorbell rings) JULIE Just a minute, Mom, someone else is here! MOM WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOORBELL... JULIE (opening the door) Hello, Merts, how are you? MERTS (licking her hands) Fine. May I have a saucer of milk, please? JULIE Hmmm... you're a cat... MERTS What was that noise? Keep him away from me! JULIE A cat with a problem... MERTS I don't want to end up as a Whoser's main course! JULIE A CAT BEING STALKED BY BARTH! MERTS Very good! (Merts exits.) JULIE What can I say, I'm on a roll! MOM Julie dear... I'm getting very worried about you and your friends! (Dad enters.) DAD OH, what a long hard day, can't wait to set my rear end down... JULIE Hmmm... didn't use the doorbell... you're very rude, are you a customs officer? MOM It's just your father, Julie!!! JULIE No, that's not it... give me a minute... DAD (sitting down and lighting a cigar) Howzabout a beer, Valerie? JULIE You're Archie Bunker! No, wait... MOM (bringing Dad a beer) Julie! Don't you recognize your own father? DAD (taking shoes off and putting feet on the coffee table) OH, what're you two babblin' about now? (burp) JULIE Are you just a disgusting fat slob? MOM Oh. Never mind, dear, I guess you DO recognize him! DAD Julie... don't encourage your mother. ***** DUNGEON SET (Jeff is chained to the wall.) NASTI All right, Jeff, it's time for your torture session, ha ha ha... JEFF Great. What more could you possibly do to me? NASTI Tonight we shall force you to watch a brand new episode of Whose Line is it Anyway?! JEFF What is this, an opposite sketch? You call that torture, I say great! Bring on the torture! NASTI No, that is not the torture! The torture comes from the mouse in your chamber! JEFF You've really flipped, you know that? You think I'll be scared of a mouse? NASTI Not that kind of mouse! This mouse is attached to the computer we're providing you... which your friends will be sure to be chatting on afterward! JEFF Of course, you can't watch Whose Line without discussing it with the Whosers! NASTI Precisely. JEFF This MUST be an opposite sketch! I get to... (tries to reach the mouse, but the chains hold him back) Oh no! NO! NASTI An opposite? Hardly! Enjoy the show, ha ha ha... (He exits.) JEFF Wait! You can't leave me here like this! I promise... from now on I'll ALWAYS keep a jellyfish in my handbag!!! ***** LINK SET (Everyone is gathered at center stage.) JESSIE I can't believe our mystery guest is Ashley! NICK Yeah, Ross has gone too far this time! Don't get me wrong, I like Ash, but I can talk to her anytime online... MERTS I can just go home! JULIE And to see Ashley, all we have to do is pop in our videotape... JEFF You know, all you have to do to see the CONTESTANTS is pop in your videotape... SAM Jeff... don't make waves!!! ROSS (entering stage left) Ah, good, good, I see our audience has arrived... NICK Ross, we want a word with you! ROSS Later, our guest'll be out here any minute! Now let's clear this area, your place is down there! Oh... and YOU (indicates Merts)... you had a phone call. MERTS ME? Who would be calling me? ROSS It was your roommate, what's her name, Ashley? She said it was real important! MERTS Well, what was the message??? ROSS Never got it. Soon as I said "Ten cents for each additional second", she hung up! Now let's move it, and ALL of you remember... cash only, no checks please! (Ross exits.) DONNA So it just HAD to be Ashley, huh, Nick? NICK Now wait, I'm sure there's another answer... just give me a few minutes to think about this, I'll get it... DONNA Why don't you just admit it, Nick, YOU DON'T KNOW!!! (Nick gets slimed.) NICK HEY!!! EMILE Slimed by association... I had no idea it could work that way. JEFF It doesn't... normally... NICK (glaring at Jeff) Excuse me, MR. WRITER... I gave you ten bucks to make sure that wouldn't happen! DONNA (grinning at Nick) I gave him twenty. ***** CLASSROOM SET (Cast seated at desks as usual) TEACHER ... so if you think I'm not going to find out who put jello in the pencil sharpener, you're sadly mistaken! Because I'll find you, and when I do... (Emile walks in the door.) TEACHER Emile! You're late! EMILE Sorry I'm late, I was just... I was just... JESSIE Thank God you're here, Bad Lounge Singer Man! EMILE I was just reminded of one of my favorites from way back when... an oldie but moldie... went something like this... TEACHER Wha?... JESSIE Bad Lounge Singer Man, someone has put jello in the pencil sharpener! EMILE Why look who it is out there in the front row! My old and dear friend, Valley Girl Woman... come on up here, sweetheart! (Jessie gets up and Emile thrusts an invisible microphone in her face.) JESSIE Like, jello in the pencil sharpener, gross me out the door! EMILE Now I'm sure you'll remember this one... (starts singing) "There's jello in the pencil sharpener, whatever will we do? There's jello in the pencil sharpener, who did it, was it you?..." JESSIE Ewwww, grody to the max! TEACHER What? What is going on here? JESSIE Oh... mah... god! It's Jello Sniffing Dog Man! TEACHER Excuse me?... EMILE It's all up to you now, Jello Sniffing Dog Man! Go follow the trail, bring these perpetrators to justice! TEACHER But... but... JESSIE They're evil! Gag me with a spoon! EMILE Do it... (wipes tear from eye, puts hand on teacher's shoulder) for the PEOPLE! (The teacher starts sniffing and barking like a dog, then runs down the hall.) JESSIE (holding up carton of jello) Sometimes it's so easy... EMILE ... we're ashamed of ourselves! ***** DOCTOR'S OFFICE (Donna is consulting with the doctor.) DONNA Doctor, you've got to help me! Ever since the new season of Whose Line started, I've been glued to the TV! DOCTOR Nothing to worry about, Donna. Lots of people get addicted to that show. Why, I never miss it myself! DONNA No, you don't understand! I mean I'm really glued to the TV! (She lifts her arm, revealing the TV set attached to it.) You see, I was fixing the vase by the set, and I guess I was paying a little too much attention to the show... DOCTOR Ahhh, I see it all the time. People getting too absorbed in Whose Line to concentrate on what they're doing... DONNA So can you help? DOCTOR Of course, I can easily remove that! I'll pencil you in... Thursday night at 8? DONNA (horrified) NO!!! I mean... thank you, but... I kinda like it now!!! ***** LOCKER JOKES SAM Hey, Nick... NICK Yes, Sam? SAM I'm having terrible problems with my computer... I think it's the Paul Merton virus! NICK What's that? SAM It won't function in March. NICK Well, mine has the Steve Frost virus... there's a crack in the monitor. DONNA Hey, Jessie... JESSIE Yes, Donna? DONNA You know, at the last taping, the Whosers got so loud I couldn't hear myself think! NICK Don't worry, Donna, you didn't miss much... DONNA You wait your turn, Nick! Anyway, I didn't mind all the whooping and shouting, but all that foul language... JESSIE No one was using foul language at the taping! DONNA You weren't sitting behind the producers. JEFF Hey, Emile... EMILE Yes, Jeff? JEFF I got tired of not being able to afford to attend Whoser events... so I stopped buying food! Went on an all-liquid diet! EMILE Did it work? JEFF Oh yeah, now I can go everywhere... in fact, I usually have to! MERTS Hey, Sam... SAM Yes, Merts? MERTS I just saw A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I have to say John Sessions was great comic relief. SAM Yeah, he sure relieved that picture of all its comedy! EMILE Hey, Julie... JULIE Yes, Emile? EMILE I heard that the show has made Dan Patterson so rich, he rents a car to get to the other side of the road! JULIE Not quite, Emile. Actually he rents a few lackeys to CARRY him to the other side of the road. DONNA No, actually he just rents the other side of the road! NICK You're all wrong. Actually, he just takes the show to the middle of the road. That's how he got rich. JESSIE Hey, Jeff... JEFF Yes, Jess? JESSIE What did the Queen say when Ryan Stiles, Tony Slattery, and Eddie Izzard showed up to be knighted? JEFF You got me. JESSIE "Oh dear, looks like the knights are getting shorter!" EMILE Oh, Jess! That was TERRIBLE! I loved it! JESSIE It cost five dollars... EMILE You paid five dollars for that joke??? JEFF No, I had to give her five dollars to say it. JULIE Hey, Merts... MERTS Yes, Julie? JULIE You know, I think Kwik Witz is a very educational program. MERTS You must be joking! How can a show like that be educational? JULIE Well, every time it comes on, I turn off the TV and read a book! NICK Hey, Donna... DONNA (from inside locker as she bangs on the door) Umm... Nick, my door seems to be jammed! NICK Oh, does it, now? DONNA (inside locker) Yeah... could you give me a little help, please? NICK SO... you thought it would be really funny to get me slimed, didn't you? DONNA (banging on the door harder) Nick, this isn't funny! Get me out of here! NICK Depends on which side of the door you're on. From here, it looks like that ten bucks wasn't wasted after all! JEFF No problem, Nick. DONNA (POUNDING on the door) WHY YOU... HEY YOU GUYS!!! SOMEBODY OPEN THIS DOOR!!! JULIE What's going on? NICK I'll tell you what's going on! The show's almost over! JESSIE And that means the guest should be here about... NOW!!! SAM Quick, to the link set! (Everyone except Nick and Donna rushes off.) DONNA (inside locker) HEY! COME BACK HERE! NICK Don't worry, we'll have you out in no time! For now... don't go anywhere, okay? (Nick leaves.) DONNA (inside locker) NICK, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE... IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE... ***** BARTH'S (Julie, Emile, Jessie, and Nick are seated at a booth.) BARTH (bringing out food) Here ya go, my latest creation... Hot Studmuffins! NICK Still trying to attract more Whosers, Barth? EMILE Well, at least it's a fitting tribute! JESSIE More than just a tribute! Who do you think's... BARTH ... IN the muffins, there ya go again!!! NICK Sort of gives a brand new meaning when they say that Brad is yummy, right, Emile? BARTH I heard that! JULIE (biting into muffin) AAAK!! H--h--hot! Quick, give me something to drink! (She quickly scans the table, and finding nothing else, grabs the flowers and starts drinking the water they were in.) JESSIE Barth, what did you really put in those? BARTH Oh, that musta bin the cayenne pepper... or the tabasco... NICK Why, Barth, WHY??? BARTH Hey, they're called HOT Studmuffins! And ya know what a firm believer I am in truth in advertising! JULIE In that case, I have a better name... World's Worst Muffins! BARTH I heard that. Hmmm... catchy! ***** BEDROOM SET (Merts and Mom enter. Mom has her eyes shut.) MERTS All right, Mom, open your eyes and see my new bedroom! MOM (opening eyes) Oh my! MERTS Do you like it? MOM It's certainly... different, dear... I never expected the wall of video tapes... MERTS Of course, those are all the episodes of Whose Line! MOM I never knew there were so many! MERTS Well, actually there aren't. See, over here they're categorized by season, and over here by contestant, and over here by games played... and this last section is a personal "best of"! MOM But it's just as large as the others! MERTS Of course, who can choose? MOM Right... and that pile of papers in the corner? MERTS That's my script collection! I have almost every show now! MOM Scripts? But I thought the show was improvised! MERTS Oh Mom, of course it is! Those are TRANSCRIPTIONS... MOM But if you have every episode on four different videos, why would you need to transcribe them? MERTS Mom... don't make waves! And over here are my tasteful shrines to each of the contestants... MOM What is this, a jellyfish, a salami, and... a rubber chicken dyed orange? MERTS Right, that one's for Ryan Stiles! MOM I see. Then this squeezie bottle, stuffed horse, and Matchbox Volvo must be... MERTS Paul Merton. MOM I almost hate to ask... Tony Slattery? MERTS That one's hidden in the top drawer. I wouldn't look if I were you! MOM I won't! Now, this empty corner... MERTS ... is reserved for my 8-foot inflatable doll of Clive Anderson! MOM Of course... well, you've certainly changed your room, dear. But... where's your bed? MERTS Bed? MOM Yes, bed! Where are you going to sleep? MERTS (slaps head) I KNEW I forgot something! (Duck noises suddenly come from the closet.) MOM WHAT WAS THAT? MERTS Oh, that's just Archie Hahn. I got him off a street vendor for $9.95! ***** LINK SET (Everyone is gathered at the front of the stage. A chair sits in the middle of the set. Suddenly a disheveled-looking Donna runs in covered with dust and cobwebs.) DONNA Where is he?... Nick! If you EVER try to pull anything like that again... NICK Save it! Ross is about to bring the guest out! (Ross enters carrying a large wad of bills.) ROSS So are you all ready? You oughta be, you sure PAID enough for it... SAM Just get on with it, okay, Ross? JULIE By the way, the chair is a nice touch. It looks just like the ones on the show! ROSS Oh, it IS one of the ones from the show! Got it real cheap from one of those auction places... JESSIE Really? And you decided to make the guest feel at home? Nice thought, Ross, maybe you're not so bad after all! EMILE So where is the guest? ROSS (pointing) Right over there! DONNA Ross, there's nothing over there but an empty... chair??? SAM Ross, do you mean to say the CHAIR is our special guest star? ROSS The one and only! JULIE I don't believe this! NICK Ross, I would hardly call that chair an "actual star" of Whose Line is it Anyway?! ROSS I would. It's got far more talent than any of those so-called players! EMILE Oh, Ross, how could you? Never mind... JESSIE I tried to warn you all... MERTS Ross, if you expect any of us to ever do this show again, you're... JEFF Say, Ross? Who sat in that chair? ROSS Good question, I'm really not sure. I think it might've been... Greg... JULIE (heading for the chair) Really? Let me get a closer look at that! ROSS Or maybe... Wayne... MERTS (heading for the chair) I saw it first, Julie! ROSS Possibly Steve Frost... SAM (quickly plopping herself down in the chair) Ha, beat you both!!! NICK You guys! You're making fools of yourselves! ROSS Maybe even Caroline Quentin... NICK But then, who am I to judge? (He makes a beeline for the chair just as Julie yanks it out from under Sam.) ROSS Really, it could have been anybody, you know, Colin, Josie... but if you're all that disappointed, I could just... (He looks back and sees Nick, Julie, Merts, and Sam in a tug-of-war over the chair as the rest of the Whosers enter the fray.) ROSS Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself... (looks at the money in his hand) Naaaaah. (Ross leaves, and the Whosers continue to fight over the chair as the closing credits roll.) ***** LIVING ROOM SET (Shot of Mom and Dad disgustedly turning off the TV set and leaving) ANNOUNCER (voiceover) You Can't Do That On Television has been a Sitting, Standing, Walking Out production. ***** SCHOOL BUS (The background is still whizzing by as before, when suddenly it comes to a screeching halt. Most everyone is lying around in seats or on the floor.) SNAKE EYES Here we are, L.A. at last! (checks watch) Dag nab it, we're a half hour too late! DONNA (pinned under a seat) That doesn't matter, Snake Eyes, if you go back about two and a half blocks you can still see Greg! SNAKE EYES You mean you know someone there with a tape? SAM (against the wall) No... THAT'S WHERE YOU BROADSIDED HIS LIMO!!! ***** LINK SET (OFFSTAGE) (Jeff is typing away at an ancient-looking manual typewriter. Julie enters.) JULIE Pretty good script, Jeff! JEFF Thanks, Jules, but it's not good enough! I need something really hilarious to go out on, but for the life of me, I don't know how to end it! (Jeff gets slimed.) JULIE That works. THE END