I thought of another true story that I experienced in 1985.  This is
about a really stupid burglar.


One afternoon, after getting off work and picking up my husband from
work,  my husband told me that an officer came to his place of
employment and asked him a few questions and asked him to go to the
Police Department (Lawrence Kansas) to fill out a statement.
I asked my husband why and he told me an amazing story.


While we were away at work, a man, wearing shorts, had tried breaking
into our house, unsuccessfully.  At that time we owned a Norwegian
Elkhound, a very protective dog, named  Toby.  Toby was chained to his
doghouse in our back yard, about six feet away from a door to a storage
room built into the house.  (Apparently the burglar thought it was the
back entrance to the house.)  The door was locked, of course, and the
burglar proceeded to attempt to break the lock with a crowbar.  Toby
began to growl and bark and snarl at this man.  The man continued to try
to break the lock, but was distracted by Toby.  He turned to face Toby
and made several attempts to shut him up.  When he was unsuccessful, he
stepped toward Toby and swung the crowbar to hit Toby.  The burglar
missed, but Toby didn't.  Toby bit the burglar below his knee cap.  


The burglar, bleeding, gave up the attempt to break in and walked home,
leaving a trail of blood to the front door of his residence.  A
neighbor, home roofing his house, saw the incident and called the
police.  The officer taking the call followed the trail of blood to the
burglar's house and arrested him for breaking an entering.  While my
husband was filling out paperwork for the incident, the officer told him
that the burglar was threatening to sue for being attacked by Toby.  I
was amazed.  The officer said that he didn't have a case because our dog
was restrained and the burglar was trespassing.  The burglar received
about 17 stitches on his knee.

A man was driving home one night, exceeding the speed limit.
Soon after, a police car signaled for him to pull over.  The man
thinks that he can out-run the cop, so he floors it. The cars
are racing down the highway over 90 mph!
Soon the man just gives up and pulls over.


The cop comes to the car and says, "I've had a lousy day, so if  you
give me can give a good excuse, I'll just let you go."  The man thought
it over and, said: "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police
officer.  When I saw you in my rear view mirror, I thought you
were that officer, and that you were trying to give her back to me.

Here is one from my past:



About 11 years ago, Cullman, Alabama had an unusual bank robbery attempt.
An older man drove up to the drive through at a local bank and sent in a
note indicating his intention of robbing the teller.  Since he had no
access into the bank, naturally everyone just hit the floor and he was
left sitting there in his car with no one to talk to.  Finally he decided
that there was no point and drove away.  A composite sketch was
circulated and information was sought as to his identity.


As a Reserve Deputy, I and the Deputy that I was working with about a
week later came into the office to releive the dispatcher for his lunch
break.  I was left manning the radio and telephones while the Deputy
joined the Lt. and another Deputy outside the doorway.  An elderly
gentlemen drives up, walks past them and to me at the dispatch booth.  I
ask if I can help him and he states, "Yes, I'm the one you're looking
for."  


I was quite confused and asked him if we had a warrant for him
that he was turning himself in on.  He stated, "No, I'm the one you're
looking for and pointed to a composite sketch of the bank robber in front
of me."  I looked at the sketch, looked at him, and was about to call him
a liar when my partner walked in and got the same story.  Apparently my
partner saw more in the sketch than I did and promptly patted him down
and started asking questions about a weapon.  He said that the gun was in
the car, which he had driven to the station.  Sure enough, the gun was in
the car and he gave a full statement.


Later, he was found guilty of attempted bank robbery.  And I was about to
call him a liar.  Go figure.

On the morning of March 29, 1997 my partner and I stop a white Cadillac
because we recognize a passenger in the vehicle.  This passenger was
known to have a $3000.00 warrant for D.U.I.  After we stop the car, the
passenger jumps from the car and leg bails across the road.  When he
reaches the west side of the road he jumps over a guard rail on a bridge
over the Fresno River and lands on a LARGE concrete slab in the dry
river bed.  He is now in the hospital with a fractured pelvis, left
arm/wrist, left femur and multiple lacerations.  The warrant had been
recalled 5 days prior.

She only knew him by his tattoos.


A 31-year-old Roseville (Michigan) man pleaded guilty to rape because of
evidence that would have never surfaced if he had kept his shirt on, police
said.


But after the 42-year-old victim who Richard Cushard raped last year
described his distinctive tattoos to police, an anonymous tipster led
detectives to his front door.  Cushard answered it bare-chested.


Police saw all they needed to make an arrest:  The word "Ricky" on his left
arm, and a picture of a mask on his right.


Things got worse for the Roseville when police used the tattoo evidence to
obtain a search warrant for his house.  In Cushard's house, they found the
victim's purse and a bicycle he stole from her Jeanette Street townhouse
early on the morning of Sept. 27, Macomb County assistant prosecutor Steven
Kaplan said.


"one of the ironies of the case is that had he not removed his shirt, there
would not have been one iota of evidence against him," Kaplan said.  "The
dummy wore gloves to concean his fingerprints and ordered her not to look at
his face.  She complied.  She could have been shown a mug shot and wouldn't
have been able to pick him out."


Cushard now faces 20 years to life in prison at his Sept. 24 sentencing
before Macomb Circuit Court Judge Deborah Servitto.  He pleaded guilty to
three counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct and one count of home
invasion.


Cushard broke into the victim's home to steal, Kaplan said.  He apparently
had no intention of raping her until she woke up during the burglary.


"She woke up and reflexively said, 'Hey, what are you doing here?'" and he
attacked her, Kaplan said.



This story comes from Jim Mustafa of (AFOSI)

A true story out of San Francisco??:


It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put
all your muny in this bag."


While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window.


So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then
called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at the Bank of America.



This story comes from Abacus161@aol.com



A Florida woman was arrested after allegedly pelting her boyfriend with 
frozen chicken legs, a telephone and a circular saw when he came home late,
police said.


Broward County Sheriff's detectives said the suspect, Sabina Richardson, 
was enraged when Darryl Garrett returned at about 1 a.m. Monday to the home
they shared.


Richardson allegedly hit him with a barrage of frozen chicken legs, jumped 
on his back and bit him, then lobbed a telephone at him, deputies said.


Garrett ran to his car for refuge and Richardson followed with the saw, 
throwing it at him and cracking the windshield.


Garrett, 29,drove to his father's house and called the deputies. Richardson,
26, was charged with aggravated battery and throwing a deadly missile -- 
for the saw, not the chicken legs.



This story comes from SSG Fritz, Johon USNG, Army



One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for 
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing 
time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try 
his key on five different cars before he finds his and opens the door. 


The officer then observes the drunk sit in the front seat of his car again 
fumbling around with the keys for several minutes. By now, everyone else 
has left the bar and driven off. 


Eventually, the man starts the engine and begins to pull away. The waiting 
police officer pounces.  He pulls the car over, approaches the driver's 
window, reads the man his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. 


The results of the test show an alcohol reading of 0.00. The puzzled 
officer confronts the man and demands to know how he can be so obviously 
drunk and still show a normal reading.  


The police officer demands, "You don't seem to have been drinking. What's 
going on? What are you, the designated driver?"


The driver replies with a grin, "Well, sir, tonight I'm the designated 
decoy."

This story comes from D. J. King Sr. Chief of Police Leary,Ga.



In 1972 when I was a rookie policeman in Warwick,Ga. It was raining one
night while I was on patrol. I saw water spraying out of a ditch along
the highway and noticed what looked to be headlights shining in the
ditch. I then noticed there was a car in the ditch riding in the water.
I rode beside it on the road with my blue lights and siren on. Suddenly 
the car stopped and I exited my patrol car and looked down into the ditch 
as the driver opened his door and turned in his seat and put his feet out 
in the water and looked up at me. I shouted down to him and asked what was 
he doing down there. The driver answered in a drunken slurred speech saying
I wuz trinto go home but the damn road has done washed out.!!!

This story comes from Stacy W Pierce of the Houston Texas PD



Police officers often joke about how long it takes to complete the paper
work compared to how fast the criminals are able to get back out on the
street once they are arrested.


I arrested a suspect for driving with a suspended license early one
afternoon. I allowed him to leave his car in the parking lot where I had
stopped him, then transported him to the jail. I completed my report, filed
the charges with the DA's office, then returned to my beat.


Just as I returned to my beat, I observed the suspect's car pass me and the
suspect was driving! I couldn't believe my eyes! Did he actually get
processed and released this fast? I stopped the vehicle a second time, near
the same location I arrested him earlier in the day. When I identified the
driver, it turned out to be the identical twin brother of the suspect, who
had gone to pick up the vehicle! Unfortunately for him, he was also driving
on a suspended license. He was reunited with his twin brother in the city
jail and the vehicle was towed away.

This story comes from Greogy Seidlitz



While on patrol as a deputy sheriff in northern Wisconsin, I was dispatched 
to a local bar at about nine in the evening for a report of a stolen 
vehicle.  I contacted a man (Larry) who told me that he parked his vehicle 
in the front parking lot and now it was missing.  I asked all of the 
neccessary questions, obtained the vehicle information, and broadcasted 
a BOLO (Be On the Look-Out) for fellow law officers.  


I detected a strong oder of alcohol emitting from Larry, so I asked him if
he had a safe ride home.  He reassured me several times that he did.  At
about one in the morning I overheard a state trooper and another deputy
initiating a felony stop on Larry's vehicle.  I headed that way and arrived 
just as the deputy was closing the rear door of his cruiser, securing the 
suspect inside the vehicle.  After conversing with the deputy and trooper 
I suddenly figured it out.  


Trying not to laugh, I went to the deputy's cruiser, opened the rear door 
to the vehicle, and with the most professional voice I could muster, I 
informed Larry that his vehicle had been recovered.  I also informed him 
that he was being arrested for DWI...  his fourth offense.  My hat's off 
to Larry for assisting us in removing one more drunk from our country's 
roadways. 

This story comes Officer LeRoy Burks badge 34 Enid Police Dept.


Several years ago I worked a burglary to several vehicles.  When the owner 
of a van arrived and we were checking the vehicle, I found a wallet 
between the seats. I told the owner that a least they did not find his 
wallet.  He said that it was not his. Later at the station I called the 
owner of the wallet.  He came to the station to recover it.  He asked 
where I found it and I told him between the seats of the van that he broke 
into.  All he could do was hang his head.

This story comes Mika Eloranta


I have another story about the wonderful unbreakable plexiglass.
I am a securityguard at our local watchfirm and I heard this story from a 
collegue of mine. 


A sports-goods store had been robbed several times over a month and the 
owner became -naturally- frustrated. He replaced the window with 
plexiglass. One dark night the burglars were out to do bad things again. 
The guy took a cement block which is used to park bicycles and threw it 
towards the window. As the window was plexiglass, the block bounsed back. 
It hit his leg and broke it. The guy was naturally caught. He later sued 
the store for damages. He recived nothing but a jail sentence. 

This story comes Frank Bortolin of Canada


Visited your website today, very funny. My favorite was the O.J. trial
as told By Dr.Seuss. There is one story that I read many years ago in
Shooting Times it goes something like this:


A man walked into a 7-11 and started strolling the isles. After about
half an hour the female  clerk started getting suspicious and kept an
eye on this guy. Finally he strolls up to the counter with a can of
beans put it on the counter, the clerk picks up the can  turns to ring
in the item. While she has her back turned the man pulls out his erect
penis and places it on the counter, the clerk turns see the penis,
screams and slams the can of beans onto the mans penis with such a force
he passes out. She callls the police and the man is taken away.