10. Keep Marv the hell out of the locker room.
9. Remove that silly "No choking your coach" rule.
8 Stop forcing us to live on an inhuman $12 million a year.
7. For the love of God, no more Shaquille O'Neal albums.
6. Acceptable to refer to any white player as "that white player."
5. Get post office to stop mixing up fan mail with NRA.
4. No Wednesday night games so players can watch "Dawson's Creek."
3. Typewritten memo explaining why the hell Utah's team is the "Jazz."
2. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi can no longer come to games--they're just too creepy.
1 Bigger balls.
Ways New Yorkers Are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory
10. Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball bats.
9. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice.
8 Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic life-size statue of Cecil Fielder.
7. All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position.
6. Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees.
5. Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers.
4. Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover
3. Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves.
2. Two words: Pinstriped hookers.
1 Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'.
Signs Mike Tyson Is Calming Down
10. Neighbors' only complaint is he plays his Enya CDs too loudly.
9. Spends hours a day at Starbucks, filling his journal with beautiful poetry.
8 Women in nightclubs must sign a release form before he fondles them.
7. Now only eats half an ear and saves the rest for his next rampage.
6. Recently switched to decaffeinated steroids.
5. When kid at McDonald's overcharged him last week, Mike let him off with only eight kicks to the stomach.
4. Instead of flying into a rage, just strolls into a rage.
3. Collaborated with Burt Bacharach on most recent album.
2. Still into assault, but laying off the battery.
1 He won't fight on "'Will And Grace' Night."
Top Ten Signs You've Rented A Bad Summer House
10. It's a time-share, and you only have it between 3am and 6am every day.
9. First floor is accessible only during low tide.
8. The "Survivor" cast keeps banging on the door begging for food.
7. It's 3 miles underground and the government gets to test new medicine on you.
6. Previous owner died a year ago -- but he's still in the kitchen.
5. In rental agreement word "bathroom" always in quotation marks.
4. Instead of "summer house," more accurate to call it "tent in an Arby's parking lot."
3. Lease states that the landlord gets to bathe you.
2. Your roommates: thirty Chinese people in the basement sewing t-shirts.
1. It's not available until the second week in November.
Things Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On
10. You don't argue with the ump when the ball is still in play.
9. Shaft is the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks.
8 We never should have made Utah a state.
7. It's true--Snickers really satisfies!
6. It's a crime that Geraldo has gotten his nose broken, but Jerry Springer hasn't.
5. Thank God Luke Perry is back on "90210."
4. Too bad Alan Thicke is Canadian, because he'd make the perfect president.
3. They could use a windowless corridor in their own offices.
2. The next big thing we investigate is how the "Late Show" won an Emmy.
1 The number one of the Top Ten List always sucks.
Insulting French Nicknames for Paul Shaffer
10. Le Petit Piano Monkey
9. Hunchback of Notre Lame
8 Le Canadian Weasel
7. Mon Petit Shaf-Shaf
6. Le Dork de Triumph
5. Gerard Depardon't
4. Charles De Balde
3. The Eiffel Loser
2. The Inventor of the Flesh Colored Beret
1 Crepe-y
Side Effects of the New Impotence Drug
10. You find yourself thinking, "Andy Rooney isn't a bad looking guy."
9. Inability to safely use revolving doors.
8 Now have to come up with brand new excuse for your poor sexual performance
7. You like piņa coladas and getting caught in the rain.
6. Uncontrollable urge to run for President of the United States.
5. May cause hair loss in Canadians.
4. You're able to multiply jillions of big numbers like that guy in "Good Will Hunting."
3. Sudden desire to buy erector set.
2. After first use, girlfriend tells you, "Save your money, hot shot."
1 Pregnancy
Reasons Alex Trebek Became a U.S. Citizen
10. Dying to show off how much he knows at the citizenship exam.
9. For 10th year in a row, lost Sexiest Canadian Alive to that bastard Alan Thicke.
8 Became interested after playing U.S. Citizenship: the Home Game.
7. Risked everything to flee Canada's crushing Communist regime.
6. What is...American tail?
5. Finally admitted to himself he's just not that interested in hockey.
4. Canadian bacon -- neither crispy nor delicious; American bacon -- crispy and very delicious.
3. After you're sworn in as citizen, you get a free USA totebag.
2. Got into a little Jeopardy with a stripper in Toronto.
1 I'll take "Who gives a crap?" for a thousand.
Rejected 'Jeopardy' Categories
10. Things Cher Has Had Done To Her
9. All About Chafing
8 Exciting Shows On At The Same Time As "Jeopardy"
7. Things That Smell Like Eggs
6. Itos, Titos And Fritos
5. Canadian Sex Secrets
4. Things That Throb
3. Diseases Caused By Game Shows
2. Guys I, Alex Trebek, Have Beat The Crap Out Of
1 Gap-toothed Freaks
Things Overheard During Washington, D.C.Jeopardy
10. I'll take 'Presidential Mistresses' for $200, Alex.'
9. No, Vice President Quayle, you cannot buy a vowel.
8 Yes, Senator Thurmond, this will be broadcast on 'the talking picture box.'
7. I don't care if you are behind a podium, Mr. President -- please put on your pants.
6. I'm sorry Senator Kennedy -- there's no such thing as a daily double scotch.
5. That's the twentieth time Rush Limbaugh has answered, 'What is pie?'
4. Excuse me, Mayor Barry, this is a no smoking area.
3. Mr. Gingrich, you won't win any points by calling me a 'Commie Canadian bastard.'
2. Tonight's audio Daily Double was recorded in Paula Jones' hotel room.
1 What is 'lame st
Reasons The United States is The Best Country on The Face of The Earth
10. Even lowly interns can meet the President.
9. Them other countries got nothing but foreigners!
8 The Pamela and Tommy Lee tape.
7. Three glorious words: "World Wrestling Federation."
6. . In U.S. it is acceptable for a grown man to wear skimpy shorts and a lot of oil.
5. Mexico invented the burrito, but we made it microwaveable!
4. Jeopardy's host: Canadian. Nine out of 10 winners on Jeopardy: American.
3. If you're really good at sports, you get to kill people.
2. Europe may have fancy architecture, but we've got Hooters!
1 No fruity accents!
Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want to Become a State
10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State," and if you can't be "The Keystone State," what's the point?
9. Too disruptive to be towed by tugboat and welded on to Texas
8 Don't want to pay Clinton's Piņa Colada Tax
7. U.S. teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series
6. As a state, it would attract more visits from Perot
5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened -- it's freezing there!
4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey
3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying
2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate
1 Two words: Lorena Bobbitt
Top Ten Questions On The George W. Bush Application For Running Mate
10. "Ever been president? 'Cause that would help"
9. "Do you party?" (If "No" -- skip rest of questions)
8. "Do you have ideas for tax plans and stuff that I could copy from?"
7. "We already have a uniter on the ticket, how are your dividing skills?"
6. "Are you stupid? We can't have two stupid people on the ticket"
5. "Will you be able to assume the presidency if Mr. Bush is really, really hungover?"
4. "How many lines per minute can you do?"
3. "You're not a narc, are you?"
2. "I tiped this kweschun miself! Kan u tel?"
1. "Dude, what fraternity were you in?"
Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party
10. You get there and it's just you and Mr. Packwood
9. Party never regains momentum after host's heart attack
8 It's January 6th
7. Andy Rooney keeps asking people to pull his finger
6. Prison regulations require lights out at 10
5. Instead of "Auld Lang Syne" it's Tonya Harding screaming obscenities
4. Guests have decided to start countdown at 10,000
3. When the ball drops, so do Grandpa's pants
2. Wacky Party Hats consist of old knit caps borrowed from O.J.
1 It's at my house
10. The Wonderbra for Dads
9. Exercise videotape: "Anna Nicole Smith's Sweatin' With The Oldies"
8 Super-Duper Eye Gouger from Kenner
7. Anything monogrammed with the letters "CBS"
6. Pancake syrup from Ebola Farms
5. Turtleneck sweater made from Ed Asner's back hair
4. Gift tin of Unpopped-Kernels-Found-In-Orville-Redenbacher
3. The Late Show Book Of Lists (sorry, that's the least returned gift, selling for $16 at
2. O.J. Simpson cutlery set
1 Giant Cow-Ass Jeans from Jordache
Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8 To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1 After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion
Least Popular Christmas Carols
10. I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King
9. Boris The Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had An 86-Proof Nose
8 I'm Searching For The Real Killers With Every Round Of Golf I Play
7. Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going To Jail For One-To-Three
6. Influenza, Influenza, Influenza
5. O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie
4. Frosty The Crackhead Had A Crack Pipe Full Of Crack
3. I Have An Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum
2. O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty
1 Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants In A Cheap Hotel Room
Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages
10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
9. D-Train Scotch
8 Amaretto Di Gotti
7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-flavored Vodka
6. McBourbon
5. Dinty Moore's Pork 'n' Booze
4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila
2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0
1 Chivas Regis
Signs You're Not Getting a Year-End Bonus
10. Boss says "Nice work, Johnson," but your name isn't Johnson.
9. Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap.
8 You work for a company called "No Year-End Bonuses, Inc."
7. Boss keeps saying "There's always that Publishers Clearinghouse thing."
6. You're the CBS guy who said "Don't worry, there's no way we can lose the rights to NFL Football."
5. You're the Director of Safety for Amtrak.
4. The boss hands everyone bonus envelopes, but yours says "For display purposes only."
3. Year end review includes words like "dolt" and "jack-ass"
2. You're the only Connecticut State Trooper who hasn't written Letterman a ticket.
1 You're Michael Jackson's P.R. guy.
Things Overheard on Clinton's Duck-Hunting Trip
10. Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?
9. Boy, this is fun! You know, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns.
8 Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba.
7. It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed state troopers.
6. You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck-hunting.
5. Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind.
4. Trust me, Roger. It'll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds.
3. When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot.
2. Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches.
1 Get me some coffee, Dukakis!
Signs Hillary Is The Smartest Clinton
10. Buys jumbo sack of Slim-Jims at supermarket--instead of paying jacked-up prices at 7-Eleven
9. Unlike Bill, never gets head caught in sink
8 Avoid them "runway haircuts"
7. Never orders more fries than she can eat
6. Let's Bill call himself "The President" when they're out in public
5. Technically just a hillbilly by marriage
4. Chelsea has yet to say "Daddy can you help me with my homework"
3. Took her three hours to explain to Bill how it's possible that Murray from "Mary Tyler Moore" looks just like Captain Stubing from "The Love Boat"(shot of Gavin Macleod in audience with model coming out)
2. Owns a piece of Oprah
1 Her giant 30 pound brain
NASA Excuses for Losing the Mars Space Probe
10. Mars Probe? What Mars Probe?
9. Forgot to use the Club
8 Those lying weasels at Radio Shack
7. Too much Tang
6. Made by G.E.
5. Them Martians musta shot it down with a ray gun
4. Heh, heh, heh...our space probe sucks...heh, heh, heh
3. At least we didn't blow all our money on some dork screwing around with a car phone
2. Remember Watergate? Well, Nixon's up to his old tricks again!
1 Space monkeys
10. You got a problem? The CBS "Family" takes care of it
9. The strong, understanding hands of Mr. Charles Kuralt
8 Doesn't have foul-smelling disease-carrying bird mascot
7. When Angela Lansbury fixes your outboard motor, it stays fixed
6. Chance to see Harry Smith naked in CBS sauna
5. Have Canadian music director that looks just like our old one
4. Candice Bergen curses like a sailor at company retreat
3. Three out of every five male employees named "Morley"
2. Whole nation touched by the heartfelt attempt of Dan Rather and Connie Chung to have a baby
1 Executives are much more advanced form of weasel
Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out
10. You have a desk, but no chair.
9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach.
8 You see CBS Chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien.
7. You get stung by a bee (not really a sign your new job isn't working out, but just as upsetting).
6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in Charge of Space Probe Quality Control."
5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people.
4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
3. People start saying maybe they should have elected your wife Hillary president.
2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve times.
1 Your office nickname: "Deadwood."
Rejected Names For the New Show
10. Dave's Def Talk Show Jam
9. Bonehead at a Desk
8 Sally Jessy Letterman
7. Tell the Jokes and Watch Them Die
6. The Stolen Intellectual Property Show
5. The All-New Adventures of Necktie Boy
4. Senor Dave's Fiesta del Cha-Cha
3. Dave Connection
2. The Million-Dollar Mistake
1 Paul Shaffer and Butthead
10. Ten
9. Nine
8 Six
7. Five
6. Eight
5. One
4. Four
3. Three
2. Seven
1 Two
Top Ten Items On The Country Music Singer Application
10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong
9. Ever nailed a Judd?
8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?
7. Spell "dagnabbit"
6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: "George Straight" or "Dixie Chicks"?
5. Complete the following sentence -- "Hee ______!"
4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck
3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead -- which Statler Brother would it be?
2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with "truck"
1. Chaw?
Top Ten Signs The Cast Of Cats Just Doesn't Give A Damn
10. So many actors calling in sick, name of the show is "Cat."
9. 8pm show starts at 5:45 so they can get home for "Jeopardy."
8. TV commercial features audience member beating theater manager for refund.
7. During finale, you see several cast members filling out Arby's applications.
6. Drunken Rum Tug Tugger brags about "marking territory in coat-check room."
5. Instead of wearing makeup, the guys just stopped shaving.
4. New lyric to "Memory" -- "Midnight and the blah, blah, blah."
3. P.A. announcement: "Mr. Mistoffolees will be played by guy who just delivered my egg salad sandwich."
2. Cats keep muttering, "I hope my other eight lives don't suck this bad."
1. New slogan: "'Cats' -- Now and...well, until June."
Top Ten Ted Turner Pickup Lines
10. "One more drink and I'll be ready for a merger."
9. "Wanna go back to my place and make some 'Turner Classic Movies' of our own?"
8. "You'll soon grow to love me as much as I do."
7. "How tall am I? I'm 5'9"; 6'7" when I stand on my wallet."
6. "I'm going to assign Bernard Shaw to do a story on how great your ass is."
5. "Baby, I wouldn't get tired of you for at least a year."
4. "Just think, marry me and you'll have the same name as dozens of lousy cable stations."
3. "I'm a captain of industry by day, and Captain Makeout by night."
2. "How'd you like to go to third base on Turner Field?"
1. "Who wants to be a billionaire?"
Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10.
Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8 Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you"
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
1 Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity
10.
Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards
9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy
8 Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters
7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public
6. Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation
5. New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper
4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96
3. Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known as Prince"
2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in school
1 Lose Hillbilly Boy
Least Popular Tourist Attractions
10.
Six Flags over Newark
9. Al Sharpton's Hall of Medallions
8 The magnificent algae forest of Willie Nelson's bathtub
7. Shea Stadium
6. Senator Packwood's House of Hands
5. The Regis de Milo
4. Singapore
3. The Grand Ole Oprah
2. Bob Barker's pants flume
1 Eurodisney
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Talk Show Host
10.Your typical workday: 1 hour doing show, 4 hours apologizing
9.Instead of warm embrace, guests greet you with swift kick to the kidney
8.When you say, "We'll be right back," studio audience starts booing
7.You spend entire show blabbing about your kids Cody and Cassidy
6.Your only question for Ellen DeGeneres: "How's your boyfriend?"
5.Network president would rather hang out with Fidel Castro than you
4.Best part of the program is when audio guy shows you naked vacation photos
3.Instead of "Applause," lighted sign reads, "Laugh Or We Release The Bees"
2.You just don't make guests feel welcome
1.For your "monologue," you point out audience members you think might be gay
Top Ten Signs You've Got The Least Successful Show On Broadway
10. Blurb on marquee reads, "From the geniuses who brought you the XFL"
9. Its slogan -- "Now And For The Next Week-And-A-Half"
8. After ten minutes, the audience replaces themselves with understudies
7. You get a standing ovation every night because the theater has no seats
6. Mayor Giuliani wants to close it down and put in an adult video store
5. Actors improvise monologues about how they wish they were in "The Producers"
4. Instead of Andrew Lloyd Webber, songs are by bowling legend Dick Weber
3. Only person ever to sit through the entire thing turned out to be dead
2. Audiences show up hoping you'll have another heart attack
1. President Bush calls it "predictable"
Top Ten Signs A Miss Universe Contestant Is A Man
10. Instead of plucking her eyebrows, she shaves her back
9. In interview segment, says the person she admires most is RuPaul
8. Her talent involves impregnating Miss Brazil
7. "Reno" isn't her hometown, it's her last name!
6. Has an endorsement deal with Victor's Secret
5. When she gets lost on the way to the pageant, she won't stop and ask directions -- am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
4. She's simultaneously competing in the Mr. Universe pageant
3. You've never heard of her country, "Transvestylvania"
2. When asked about her 5-foot 7-inch frame says, "Forget the 5 feet, let's talk about the 7 inches."
1. She's the only one who ain't sleeping with Donald Trump
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