If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever...

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask what he's thinking unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Don't fake it. He'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Anything he said last week is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Telling him the girls in men's magazines are airbrushed makes him want to buy an airbrush.

When you dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, he'll act like the guys on your soaps.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Get rid of your cat. And, no, it's not different, it's just like any other cat.

Dogs are better than any cats. Period.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Does it really make sense to clean when stuff just gets dirty again.

Even if you're the most beautiful woman in the world, there will be times he pretends you're someone else.

If you keep asking for flowers, it can never be a surprise when you get them.

If he ever sees you kiss another girl and you appear to enjoy it, he'll remember that moment until he's been dead for 1,000 years.

The best things in life may be free, but chances are they also have something to do with sex.