What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat; we clean -they dirty; we iron - they wrinkle.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating
your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.