"The network is pleased to inform your superiors that the experiments with the guinea pigs and whisky have been sucessful", VA2ECM said to Mr Uhura. " But this is going to cost you. I am not at all satisfied with the replacement parts you sent." "Don't worry. everything will be taken care off, " Mr Uhura said, soothingly. He dropped his uniform pants to reveal a glittering slinky skirt underneath." This is kit to subvert the Crusaders, the little dickens. But I brought something that you had ordered, using the latest compression utilities available to Aerotech to smuggle it onboard." He reached underneath his skirt and with a pop and a hissing sound he pulled out a brandnew M590 rifle. "Use it in good health, my friend. But go quickly now, I have work to do, "he said and continued on towards the bridge. VA2ECM was glad that he was a silicate. The carbonites would not be happy campers when they found out what was going on. He disappeared back in to the ductwork. As he crawled along he thought that one of these days he would have to do something about his modem configuration. The current setup was making way too much noise.

VA2ECM, 17 Sep 1998 15:10

As VA2ECM crawled along the ventilation shafts, he found himself looking down through a grill onto a peaceful scene.... the TechSgt curled up on a beanbag asleep in the computer room. A relay or two clicked somewhere deep within. Maybe she could help figure out a way of making that %*?^&) modem run a bit more quietly, she was good at tinkering with things.

Mexal, 18 Sep 98 01:55

Patroling the dark Magellan corridors Greybrow was trying to find some light. "What the ..." he thought when he saw the light and big extremly quick moving shadow.

Andrzej 'Greybrow' Korcala, 11 Oct 1998 21:00

Whispers woke NightSky from her dreams. Was it the time already? She looked around and saw a moving light from the chink of the door. They are leaving? Without me? Urgently she put on her clothes and glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Tousled look would have to do. She hurried to join the procession. Most of her friends and colleagues who were off duty were there. The procession was led by a flickering light which cast the shadows of the first goers on the wall in strange proportions and shapes. They were nearing their destination. A door loomed in front of them. Hush.
NightSky saw the Elf knocking on the door. In a moment it started to open with a creak. When Major Maenpaa appeared on the threshold the whole procession started singing: "Happy birthday to you, happy...". The major blushed with delight and leaned towards the cake to blow out the candles.
NightSky wondered what she wished for. The procession was invited into the major's quarters where everyone attacked the chocolate cake. From the chink of the major's door there flashed past a bright light and a big, extremely quick moving shadow...

Tiina - NightSky - Wishing her LO a very happy belated birthday! 13 Oct 1998 11:29

Sooty was having real difficulty trying to outrun the giant guinea pig. Especially as he had to carry a torch so that he could see where he was going in the darkened passages of the ship. {Commodore Rosses "Bulbs for Bullets" money-saving campaign had caught on amoungst the other ships captains all too well, it seemed.} If only Jester was here - but Sooty knew all too well that Jester had spent the last 3 days watching videos of a certain TV show, and was only emerging from the Video Louge long enough to grab a cup of tea and some biscuits.
Sooty was on his own.
If only there were someone out there to help him. Someone brave enough to confront the darkness, pick him up and carry him to a more secure location. Or at least carry the torch for a while.
But who would have that courage?......

Jester ~<(:-}, 13 Oct 1998 17:22

Suddenly, a pair of booted feet appeared in front of the little glove puppet. Sooty ducked and ran between them, then glanced back.
The Pigs had screeched to a halt, digging their claws into the deck, stopping just in front of Werrf. The Lieutenant stood in front of the mutant rodents and held a whisky bottle, just out of the Pig's reach.
"Run for it, Sooty," he growled. "I'll hold these guys."
Sooty didn't waste any time, but turned and ran as fast as his non existant legs could carry him.
Werrf watched Sotty run out of the corner of one eye, then returned his attention to the guinea pigs. They were slowly advancing on him, their paw steps shaking the deck beneath his feet. He walked backwards slowly, keeping the bottle always just out of their reach.
What do I do now? he thought. He considered the problem for a few moments, then reached the solution.
"Um...Una?" he called. "UNAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"

Werrf, 13 Oct 1998 23:04

***

Una was nowhere in sight so Werrf had to think fast and than suddenly remember one of a newer members that pesky Skrzat (who usually scares to death people in the tavern).
"If I get Skrzat to play her dirty tricks and distract the Pigs I'll have enough time to find Una and we can come up with a solution..." he thought as he continued to scream "SKRZAAAAAT!!!!!! UNAAAAA!!!!!!"

JolaJolanta "Skrzat" K., 13 Oct 1998 20:00
(well, don't ask me how they managed that ;))

As Soups headed down the corridor, she mused to herself....." There's something mighty familiar about that guy, can't quite put a finger on what though " And as she rounded the corner she made a mental note to go hide her high heels as soon as she had a moment spare.
Meeting up with Greybrow in the semi darkness, they headed towards onwards approaching a junction in the corridor. Sooty struggled past obviously in need of a hand . Soups picked him up when Greybrow shouted "piggies!!!". With nothing to but run the trio continued along the path Sooty had been following and noticed a door slightly ajar. Diving in, they slammed the door shut just in time, the piggy was going too fast to stop and ran right past them.
Slummping to the floor, they all decided that they had no time to waste, the piggy would realise soon enough where they were. But as they sat and wondered what to do a faint cry could be heard "Una....Skratz....."
Darn it, now if we could just find what those pigs do and don't like to eat thought soups. Okay, we're going to have to go back out there and help Werrf. Come on Greybrow!..........

Soups, 14 Oct 1998 07:45

The Vice Honcho was nowhere to be seen .... well not anywhere near the giant pigs.
But when Mogs, Soups, Jester and Sooty with the VH at point walked through the still empty corridors of the ESC Magellan they could hear a faint shouting.
"What was this?" Mogs inquired.
"Oh-uh sounds like someone is tortured ..." Soups replied, sighing deeply and the others grinned.
"YOU DIDN'T smuggle your mini Marines on board, did you?" Una inquired and bit her lips from starting to laugh.
"No I haven't .. I mean this is supposed to be a pleasure cruise for me ONCE and I left them with their grans.... what they did afterwards with the still parked ISSCV is none of my business," Soups replied sweetly.
Straining all their ears the Marines listened to the sobs and cries .... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"I can't take it any longer ..." Una said and grasped the M-590 into her hands. "I'm going in ... any volunteers?"
Four Marines whistled softly .....
"OH for crying out loud, they are kids..." Una exclaimed.
"Remember Ru? He was worn out afterwards ..." Mogs piped in. "And what if it is the pigs?"
Una shuddered.
"If it is the pigs we can handle them ... the mini-Marines would be a bigger problem ... remember they are so sweet at school, especially Tony ... I don't dare to imagine what they will be like here where they have all the time and place to come up with *new games*."
Soups grinned.
"Did I tell you of the one time where Tony and Bobby collapsed our living room ceiling ...."
"I hope the decks of the Magellan are better than those at your house, Soups..." Jester said matter of factly before the Marines followed the noise of the desperate cries.

Una, 14 Oct 1998 10:51

Meanwhile, Jester had been asking herself the same question - What *do* guinea pigs like to eat?
She optimistcally decided to trust her childhood memories. Carrots, cucumber, grass, the odd bit of lettuce, the odd bit of finger... There had to be more to it than that! Then the lightbulb in her thought-bubble pinged on, and she decided to consult her 'Pocket Encarta' and find out more.
"Vegetation" it read. Well, thought Jester, that was *really* helpful!
But look! What's this? A picture of a fluffy little white guinea pig with an audio-clip! Ever easily amused, she hit 'Play'. Curious - the soundtrack seemed to be of a whole bunch of Triffids talking to each other, and the chatter of a guinea pig right at the end. With a bemused shrug, Jester switched off the 'Pocket Encarta'.
But... strange? The sounds hadn't stopped . . . .

Jester ~<(:-}, 14 Oct 1998 13:48

"Unaaaaaaa, Skrzaaaaat!". Because of this scream Greybrow had to think quick of something...
"Piggies!" said Greybrow. "Come here sweat little piggies!" he shouted holding his M-590 firmly in his hands. "Damn, I forgot about this bullets-bulbs trade, becouse of the darkness" he thougt. But the pigs had already heard him. He drew out his knife and said "Sweat little piggies, I want to state clearly that I'm a *real* vegetarian!"
snikt!
Standing over pig bodies, his knife in his hand, and blood on it, he thought:
"How could they know, that the term *real* vegetarian slightly differs from the word vegetarian..."

Andrzej 'Greybrow' Korcala, 14 Oct 1998 15:12

Soups and Greybrow opened the vent and crawled inside to get to Skrzat, who currently was in the brig for cooking the breakfast eggs with vodka and causing the intoxication of the whole crew. As they drew closer they got a bad feeling. They peeked from the vent- two MP were standing in front of the brig wearing only regular issue boxer shorts, boots and M-590.
"Looks like Skrzat is playing strip poker again." The MP seemed embarrassed and surprised when Soups and Greybow covered with cobwebs appeared from the duct. They let them inside.
Skrzat was so happy to see them. She easily squeezed herself between the bars.
"Lets rock'n'roll" yelled Skrzat" and after we can have a roasted pig luau."
Soups looked at Greybow thinking "Maybe letting Skrzat (out?) is not such a good idea, but I'm glad she is on our side."
"I have an idea!" Skrzat was so excited "We can corrall them into an APC and fly them to the Bacchus. They are paying tons of money for fresh meat!"

Skrzat, 14 Oct 1998 17:09

".......please,respond."
Great, thought Tus, first I say the wrong thing and get shipped out to that agricultural facility and now no-one's talking to me! I wonder if the lingering 'eau de cabbage' smell is reaching the Magellan from here?
"Come on guys, will somebody put the lights on so I can land this sucker. Come on! That's the last time I'm picking up the fresh Veg!"
Suddenly pad 4 was a-blaze with light. Great stuff thought Tus, as he dropped the ISSAPC on the pad. Now all I've got to do is find somebody to sign for this pile of overgrown rabbit food......

Wai-Yan Wan, 16 Oct 1998 15:20

Soups checked that her helmet was securely on before moving anywhere.
M'aam, if the piggies are so keen on whiskey, couldn't we use some of Werrf's supply to trick them onto an ISSCV, which we could conveniently loose in space?
As Una thought about this a message came through.... Erm Ma'am I'd best go check this out, are you okay to go help Werrf? If it *is* the mini-marines, just tell them a couple of their irate neighbours are after them, and suggest it would be best if they go hide now, otherwise Mum will force them to go apologise for all those horrible deeds they have done/yet to do. That should see them off for a little while [Bobby still has nightmares over the manic woman chasing him on her bike ]. If it's the pigs, I'll get back to you ASAP!!
Soups proceeded towards the bridge. After bumping into Greybrow and making a detour to rescue Skrzat, they ignored the faint cries of "Uuuuunnnnaaaaaa....." we'll sort him later said Soups.
On the bridge they found Uhura, who had switched on the lights to allow an ISSAPC to land. "Okay Uhura, cut the lights will ya! And tell Tus to stay put, we'll get to him soon." As they left the bridge they all heard that familiar sound, but no.... it couldn't be an AI. Not here on the Megallen, could it?!?
Approaching pad 4....well quite a way away from pad 4 an aroma filled the air. "phew! what *is* that smell?" Greybrow asked. "I don't know" replied Soups," but listen!" At first a faint noise, slowly building to a deafening rummble could be heard approaching fast. "It's heading for pad 4! Greybrow, I want you to run and tell Tus to stand clear of the door, if it's the rest of the piggies, let them inside the ISSAPC then shut the doors!"
As Greybrow legged it down the corridor......

Soups, 16 Oct 1998 19:14

"Hi ISSAPC - welcome back!"
Airlocks hiss, and there's the TechSgt standing smiling at Tus.
"Did you have a good trip?"

Mexal, 16 Oct 98 22:22

"UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"SSSKKKRRRZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Werrf thought desperately, trying to stay out of the piggies range at the same time.
There's gotta be a better plan than just yelling 'Una' and 'Skrzat'! he thought. Then it hit him. A brilliant ploy that could very well save him, the ship and the entire crew. A master plan. In fact, one might even go so far as to call it a cunning plan.
"That's it!" he exclaimed.
He was so excited at having thought of his plan that he promptly forgot what it was.
"Oh, no..." he moaned.
"UNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Werrf, 17 Oct 1998 08:02

[...] Una lead the small troop of Marines further and further and as they passed the flightdeck, they discovered that some piggies had invaded the fresh supplies ISSCV and in front of the closed doors there stood a very dazed Tus and stared at the rumbling APC.
"You the newbie?" Una asked out of breath and Tus nodded.
"And who are you?" S/he asked in a surprised voice, glancing at the others who had followed the VH inside the cargo bay.
"I'm your vice honch and this," here Una pointed at Soups. "Is my XO when I'm away and those here are all trusted Marines of the Magellan."
"Oh I see ... Ma'am what shall I do now? Those giant pigs have invaded my APC ... they are eating all the fresh supplies..."
"And good riddance to that, Lt." Soups replied. "We are still looking for the rest of them .. and my kids ..."
"And don't forget Werrf!" Jester threw in.
"Oh yes, Werrf, I almost forgot ... I think it was him who cried..." Una said and the others bowed their heads.
Slowly they made there way towards the cries which only came now and then and were disturbed by either a sob or silence which was unnerving.
When Una rounded a corner on the fifteenth flightdeck, Soups bumped into her.
"What is it, Una? Piggies?" she asked.
"NO, two bare legs in a kilt," Una replied and Soups gasped.
"JAMES???!!!" she asked as she had seen a poster of James Morrison in a kilt only a few days ago on SPACENET.
"No, I think it's Werrf, who else would wear a kilt as part of the official uniform?"
"Scotty from ST:TOS?" Jester grinned.
Soups sighed and watched Una.
"Poor Werrfy. You think he is ... dead?" Soups asked in a little sad voice.
"We have to check to make sure, Soups," Una said matter of factly but all sensed she was affected as Soups by all of this.
Slowly they made their way over, careful on the look out for other pigs and when they had reached the still figure of the Flight Lieutenant, Una and Soups squatted down beside him. Soups got out the medikit while Una examined Werrf.
"Thank goodness he is still breathing," Una said and Soups exhaled softly.
"Then you don't have to give him the breath of life," she said with a grin on her face.
Werrf who had just regained consciousness could only suppress a grin and took a shallow but deep breath but before he could fake his sudden lung failure, he heard the following words of Soups. "You know Una, have you never wondered what a real Scot wears underneath his kilt?" All girls laughed at that.

Una, 18 Oct 1998 23:45

Suddenly the lights on the pad die out and the comms where activated. "Sit tight and someone will be down soon" was the instruction from Uhura.
OK, thought Tus, that's no problem at all. Now all I have to do is find out how THAT SMELL is getting into this EVA suit and how do I get out of this seat!
Much groaning, twisting and colourful language later.....
Tus sat by the cargo door waiting patiently when he heard a hail from outside in the bay.
"Hi ISSAPC - welcome back!"
Airlocks hiss, and there's the TechSgt standing smiling at Tus.
"Did you have a good trip?"
"The trip back was OK but I was wondering if I could check my EVA suit in for a quick service. I think that I must have a leak somewhere because I can smell cabbage from inside of here" said Tus as he grimaced. "Any chance that you you could sign for this cargo of veg?" He asked the TechSgt hopefully. "I've also got a load of the Aerotech super-deluxe wonder-fresh cabbage which the plant techies claim will stay fresh for 2 years"
Before the TechSgt could answer an increasing loud rumble could be heard.
"That's strange," said Tus nervously, "I thought everybody would be running the other way........"

Wai-Yan Wan, 19 Oct 1998 16:38

"OK" said the TechSgt "Once you're inside I'll have a look at your suit. Maybe some air freshener... send you out smelling of roses. But I'm not signing for any Aerotech junk.... last lot of radishes grew legs and WALKED off the transport!" The TechSgt lends Tus a hand with the unloading, totally ignoring the pounding foot noises.....

Mexal, 19 Oct 98 19:08

The lingering smell of cabbage gave Skrzat an idea.
"A home cooked meal from my mum's recipe- BIGOS"- she smiled so proud of herself- "All I need is meat, cabbage and some spices." She ran to her locker and pulled out a Chig blade from it. "That should take care of the meat but, darn, I can't tell them that to improve the bigos taste cabbage has to be stomped by bare feet for an hour. Una would never approve of it."
Skrzat ran down the corridor toward landing pad 4. She peeked out from the corner trying not to notice a huge sign on the wall by the airlock.
"NO CHIG WEAPONS ALLOWED ABOARD!!!"
She could hear Tus and the TechSgt moving crates inside an ISSAPC. The pounding noise was getting closer...

Skrzat, 20 Oct 1998 20:13

Werrf tried to stay as still as he possibly could as he felt the material slowly being lifted from his legs. It was taking all his willpower to stay still and not react. He tried focussing on visions of his court-martial......
::Insert screen waver to indicate imagination here::
"So, Lieutenant, would you mind explaining why you kicked the vice-honcho of your squadron in the face?" the general asked.
"Well, sir, she was trying to take off my kilt, sir," Werrf replied lamely.
The general looked stern. "Lying will not help you much, Lieutenant," he growled.
::Screen wavers again as reality returns::
They were past his knees now, and slowly moving up. He had to do something, but what? He opened his eyes, trying to focus on the wall behind the giggling ladies.
Una knew it was bad, taking advantage of an unconscious man, but her curiosity had to be satisfied. What was this proud Scot wearing under his kilt? She pulled the tartan a little further up, then giggled as Jester moved it up a bit more.
At that moment, just as Soups was reaching forward to take her turn, Werrf's calm, quiet voice cut through their giggling.
"Umm, Una..." he said carefully, "I hate to interrupt your fun, but I was just wondering if you were aware of the rather large group of chigs standing behind you and pointing their guns at you?
The look on Una's face told the story.

Werrf, 21 Oct 1998 09:05

"Uhhh.. VH, you might not want to look under that kilt," said Tus nervously.
All eyes turned to him. "What do you mean by that?" said Una.
"Well the last time I was on board I seem to recall a conversation with *somebody* about, kilts, gale force winds, zero-gee and mumble mumble mumble"

Wai-Yan Wan, 21 Oct 1998 14:12

Una thought about this for the mopment and then drew away her hand ....
"Okay, he seems to be breathing normally and I don't want any gale winds or zero-g incidents on this tub."
Soups and Una stood up in unison and although Jester's hand was still poised on Werrf's leg, she sighed.
"It's a pity really," Jester said and shrugged.
"Naw... I recall to have had this strange conversation with his fiance... she would be furious if we knew about his *secret*," Una said and walked over to the softdrink dispenser on the wall (they were just off the mess hall anyway).
"Werrfy," Una inquired softly as she popped the coke can. "WAKIE; WAKIE!"
Jester and Soups jumped away from the cool splash of coca cola and squealed as Werrf woke up - coke on his face, in his hair and in his throat ....

Una, 21 Oct 1998 20:01

"Don't squeal like that!" he yelled, panicking. "You'll attract the Piggies!"
"Don't panic!" Jester advised. "I think Tus and the Tech. Sarg. have drawn them off towards landing pad 4 - Tus has just brought in an ISSPC full of fresh cabbage."
Soups grinned one of her best Evil Grins. "Skrzat's planning to make something called... Bigos? Seems that the Piggies can't resist them!"
"Bigos?" Una frowned worriedly. "But she won't have time to trample them properly if she has to do it alone. We'd better get down to that landing pad and give her a hand!"
"Foot," Werrf corrected her. "Or rather, feet!"
"Whatever. C'mon, Marines - Let's Go! Go! Go!"
The women dashed away in a suitably dynamic fashion, followed by a bedraggled Werrf. It was hard to feel motivated when your sporran was clumping together with sticky coco cola.
He sighed. "It'll *never* come out . . . "

Jester ~<(:-}, 4 Nov 1998 12:36

The grumbling Werrf trailed behind the women, rubbing helplessly at his coke-sodden sporren. There was no way round it. It was ruined. He'd have to go all the way back to Scotland to get it replaced. He could almost hear Lt. Trotter laughing at the amount of money it would take to bribe his way into some shore leave. He could say goodbye to that trip to America he'd been saving up for...
He dropped the ruined sporran and had just decided to watch the collection of flightsuit-clad female anatomy just in front of him instead, when he heard a noise from a side corridor.
He stopped to consider his options.
He was a highly trained British Marine Officer, on board a ship of war that apparently had been boarded by the enemy...not just Chigs and AI's, but Fox execs and Guinea pigs as well. Now he could hear a strange noise from a side corridor. Prudence, and all his training, suggested that the correct move would be to call the rest of the team and investigate together, each providing mutual support and thus making victory or enlightenment that much more likely. Also, if a team member was injured or captured, rescue was a viable alternative. Therefore, he decided, the right thing to do would be to call the team.
On the other hand, he was bored, and it was more dramatic to go alone.
His mind made up, he set off firmly down the corridor.
Una and Jester were arguing. No one could remember what had started the argument, but that didn't matter. What did matter was that there could be no compromise on this matter.
"You're dead wrong, Jester," the Colonel said firmly. "In that situation, it would be suicide."
"With all due respect, ma'am," Jester replied, disrespectfully, "You can't be serious. There's just no way you could wear a red flightsuit with with the green scarf." The green suit and blue scarf are the only logical choice!"
Una was about to reply with a cutting retort, which would probably involve colour blindness, disqualification from the Corps, questions about Jester's mental state, and, inevitably, Cooper Hawkes, when they were interrupted by an unearthly scream.
"What was that???" Soups cried. Una, with her usual level head in a crisis, immediately replied "It was a blood curdling scream. Weren't you paying attention at the Scream Recognition class? Come on!"
At her word of command, the Marines began to run down the corridor. It took Una a few moments to realise that she was the only one running towards the scream. She looked back at her retreating troops.
"McQueen never has to deal with this..." she grumbled, and set about explaining to her troops that they were MARINES, and were supposed to run TOWARDS blood curdling screams.

Werrf, 28 Dec 1998 02:12

The Lt. Col. sighed and waited till her *troops* had the grace to follow her towards the screams instead of scampering off away from them. Watching Werrf discarding the sporran, she growled and picked it up. "WHY can't you put it into the next trash chute?" she asked the poor recipient of her foul mood. "It's bad enough the piggies leave all their blasted litter behind, do you have to do it as well? The Chigs will have a field day if we cannot defend ourselves because we have to wade through knee-high rubbish in the corridors!"

Una, 31 Dec 1998 21:07

The piggies are still at large, but Tus and the Tech Sarge had managed to lure them towards landing pad 4. Skrzat was planning to make some Bigo's to try and catch these beasties before they managed to cause anymore damage. They had managed to see off at least one of Werrf's whiskey barrels on the way.
Werrf was having problems with his sporren, havng being woken up by Una pouring coke over him [before we managed to peak up his kilt I might add!]
Una, Soups and Jester were dashing to help Skrzat make the bigo's and Lt. Uhura was still at large, possibly in cahoots with the AI's, and Soups still worried about her high heels - if Uhura got hold of them there'd be trouble!
As the marines dashed towards Skrzat, they suddenly.........

Soups, 02 Feb 1999 19:07