“So things are going well with that girlfriend of yours?” Ultra Magnus asked as he followed his longtime friend to his office. He had some business to attend to on Cybertron, but he made a point of visiting his friends as well.
“Quite well, Magnus.”
Magnus sensed a smile in those words. “Glad to hear it.”
The two entered Prime's office. Optimus flipped on the lights and circled the large desk to check his e-mail. “What the--?!!” he exclaimed.
Ultra Magnus heard some strange female moaning noises… coming from the computer? He walked over to Prime's side and peered at the monitor. He saw instantly what had Prime so shocked. On the screen sat a female Transformer missing her armor plating. Andromeda's head had obviously been pasted on another femme's body. “Ooh, baby, click me again!” the screen saver purred.
Optimus frantically punched a sequence of keys, but to no avail. “I don't believe this!” he roared. “This time Rodimus has gone too far! A tour of visiting dignitaries is supposed to come through here in a matter of astroseconds! I can't have them see this!” He fumbled for his communicator and desperately signaled a tech. Magnus choked back a snicker. It was a bad situation, to be sure, but it was humorous as well.
“So what are you going to do?” Magnus asked him.
“I'll tell you what I'm going to do!” the elder Prime growled, causing his friend to take a step back. “I'm going to show that little twit who's boss around here! I'm going to get him back for every trick he's pulled on me!” Suddenly his snarl disappeared, replaced with a sly look. Magnus was intrigued. He'd never seen his friend look so devious! “Mark my words, Magnus. This is a battle I intend to win!”
* * * * *
The next day, Rodimus came into work as usual, opened the door between the adjoining offices, and sat down to look through the day's reports. Absently, he reached out to the vidphone and dialed his extension to check his personal messages. Listening to the first message, Roddy's mouth fell open in shock, then his brow furrowed. “Must be a wrong number,” he decided. He skipped over to the next message. Then to the next. Thirteen messages in all, and they were all more or less alike – messages from men filled with innuendo and suggestion. Saying such disgusting things! It was more than even Roddy could stand!
“What is going on here?” he muttered. Glancing into the adjoining office, he saw Optimus staring fixedly at his own computer screen. Was it his imagination, or was there an unusually merry twinkle in his friend's optics? “Optimus! Hey, Op! Do you know anything about this slag on my voicemail?”
“What about your voicemail, Roddy?”
The reply was innocent enough, but there was the slightest hint of amusement that gave Roddy suspicion. “I'll be damned!” he exclaimed, jumping up and hurrying into the other office. “You *do* have something to do with this, don't you?” He laughed. “I didn't think you had it in you, Op! Okay, I admit it, I've had it coming. Now can you take care of this mess and get it resolved?”
Prime looked his protégé dead in the optics. “No.”
Rodimus gaped at him, not sure that he had heard right. “What do you mean, no?”
“I mean no, Roddy.” His voice was soft but firm. “I've had enough of your childish pranks. It's about time you got a little in return.”
“Yeah, whatever,” the younger Prime muttered crossly, heading back to his own office. “I can take whatever you dish out!”
The door slid closed between them, cutting off the view of Prime's smirk reflected in his optics. “That's what you think!”
Several days later, Rodimus was a lot less amused and a lot more irritated. The door chime to his office sounded. “Come in!” he snapped.
The door opened, and a delivery courier wheeled in the most god-awful statue he had ever seen! It was a hideous plaster sculpture of a giant baby holding a miniature mother. “What in the name of the inferno is this crap?” he yelled. “Who ordered this?”
The courier quailed under the tirade. “Um, you did, sir, according to this shipping bill.” Rodimus took the paper and looked it over, snarling. The courier continued. “Um, it's my duty to leave this here, sir. If there's some problem, you can sort it out with the company that sent it.” He deposited the monstrosity in a corner and fled with his transport dolly.
Roddy rubbed the back of his head as he stared at the bill of sale. A short bark of laughter escaped him. Optimus was sure going to a lot of expense to pull this crap on him. Unless…. a sense of horror filled him, and he lunged for the computer terminal, pulling up his credit file. Yup, there it was… this abomination was charged to his account! Slag on a new paint job! He launched into a new tirade, shouting colorful obscenities in several different languages. He pulled back his fist and stopped himself just short of bludgeoning the statue to dust. He'd have to keep this awful thing in mint condition if he wanted to return it and get his credits back. Crap.
His week did not improve from there. His e-mail and voicemail was continually bombarded by propositions from the lowest male scum… he couldn't get any peace from it! He had once overlooked an urgent message from Kup amidst all the filth and had really gotten a reaming for it. He had been awakened every single night that week at a god-awful hour by myriad pranks – the most creative one had been the male stripper. He had to give Optimus credit for creativity.
'How is he doing all this stuff?' he wondered. Roddy surmised that Optimus Prime had somehow broken into his personal account and somehow solicited the messages on his e-mail and voicemail accounts, and had also somehow gained access to his financial accounts to pay for all of this. That was the key to all of this. He sat back and rubbed his face, the gears in his sharp mind starting to turn. It was his brand of sharp thinking that had served him well as the Autobots' second-in-command.
Hm, let's see now… Optimus was too clever by half, and Roddy was sure that he had some strong computer skills and could no doubt hack an unprotected system, but the Primes' accounts were very carefully protected with numerous firewalls and encryption algorithms. They had even set their own best hackers against the accounts in order to find weaknesses and seal them. If the Autobot leaders' accounts were ever compromised, it would be nothing short of a catastrophe. Rodimus was quite sure that Optimus couldn't have gained access on his own. So he would have to have help… but who would do such a thing?
Roddy mentally ran through the short list of those who had the proper security access, and filtered it for names of individuals who were friends with Optimus Prime. Finally, it came down to just one certain possibility, one that boggled his mind. Kup! He could not believe it! It was the Security Chief himself! The 'bot that had been his mentor all these years! Kup had been conspiring against him! Then again, maybe it wasn't so surprising after all. Kup had often liked to say that Roddy was too cocky for his own good and needed to be taken down a peg or two. And if Optimus was the one to do the task, so much the better.
Rodimus had gotten up and gone charging down to the Security Chief's office, demanding an explanation, and emerged several minutes later, bewildered. Kup had laughed at him! In his face! Roddy knew when he was beat. Consulting the base's internal computer, he determined that Optimus was in his office, working late in order to make up for the time he'd taken off while dating his ladylove. He slunk through the halls, hoping nobody would see him.
Optimus silently opened the door when he rang, as if expecting him. Rodimus bit his lip – damn, swallowing his pride was hard. “Well?” the senior Prime demanded, folding his arms.
Rodimus threw his arms up in the air. “Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I swear I won't pull any more pranks! Just cut it out, all right?”
He could swear that Optimus was smirking at him. “All right, Roddy, if I have your word.”
Roddy was still curious. “What did you do to get all those awful messages on my voicemail?”
Yup, it was definitely a smirk. “I left a few… interesting messages on the gay fetish newsgroups from your account.”
Roddy's jaw fell open. He was impressed! “Wow, Op! I didn't think you had it in you! That was real sneaky!”
So, the prank war had ended in a truce… for the time being.