Famiy Ties

by Phantom

Chapter Ten

Hot Rod sighed as he placed another clean weapon on the rack before him, reaching for another dirt- and oil-encrusted rifle. This was hardly a picnic, but it could be worse. He could have been assigned to the waste extraction units. He knew that he had been behaving irresponsibly since his surrender of leadership, but he tried not to analyze it too much. He was Hot Rod, right? He was supposed to get into trouble and act up, right? Trouble was, even Hot Rod didn't use to get into this much trouble in such a short time period. He had pulled the occasional practical joke or stupid stunt, but he had generally tried to toe the line. It was only recently that he felt the need to act out. But who was he fooling, really? Was it the fact that everyone expected him to act this way? Or was he trying to prove something to himself? He had been so busy asserting his Hot Rod personality that he hadn't stopped to think about what he was doing.

'I guess Optimus has a point,' he thought glumly. He had come damn close to insubordination a few times. And that just wasn't like Hot Rod at all. Sure, he was a bit of a wild card, but he stayed in line when it counted. But now it seems that he was determined to break the rules, to behave as outlandishly as he could. It was as if he had something to prove – maybe to himself, if nobody else. He wanted to believe with all of his spark that he didn't miss the Matrix, that it didn't feel like there was a gaping hole inside of him. It seemed to call to him in his dreams, whispering words of destiny that, try as he might, he could not escape.

“Ultra Magnus to Hot Rod.” His comm. line crackled to life.

“Hot Rod here,” he replied. “What's up, Magnus?”

Magnus' voice sounded even more sober than usual. “Please come see me in my office ASAP. There's something that we need to discuss.”

* * * * *

Hot Rod entered the City Commander's office with some trepidation. Had he heard about last night's events and decided to hash them over himself? He sat in the proffered seat, bracing himself for a lecture.

Ultra Magnus folded his hands atop the desk and fixed his friend with a worried gaze. “Hot Rod, did something happen between you and Optimus last night? I mean, besides the business with the intruder?”

Hot Rod sighed heavily. “You could say that. We had another of our fights. A real bad one, this time.”

“That's what I thought.” Magnus frowned, leaning forward. “Look, I know that what happens between you two is your business, but I think that something more is going on here. I may be out of line, but I need to know exactly what took place.” He glanced uneasily at the door, then back at Hot Rod. “Optimus didn't report for work today. He called in – late, I might add – asking me to cover for him. Roddy, I can't remember the last time that Optimus missed a day of work. Being the Autobot leader is his whole life. I checked with Ratchet – Optimus hasn't been by, so he's most likely not sick. Don't tell him this, but I had his movements traced via his comm. badge signal. He spent a lot of time in the Remembrance chamber, probably mourning the deceased Autobots, and then even more time on Cybertron's observation deck, apparently doing nothing in particular. None of the astrological charts or computer systems were accessed.” He shook his head, wishing he had some explanation for his friend's bizarre behavior. “Optimus tends to act a bit strangely when something is bothering him. I was hoping you could explain it.”

Hot Rod looked down at the floor, remorse flooding over him. “I guess you already know about Merciless' capture. I know it was stupid to let her into a restricted area, but she seemed so sweet, and she kept flattering me about how I was so smart and that I was the only one who could fulfill this one wish she had. She was good, I have to admit. She knew just how to sucker me into helping her.” He grimaced at the thought. “Afterward, Optimus reamed me out. I guess he had good reason, but I was just so tired of hearing him nag at me at criticize me for every little thing I do. When you or Kup lecture me, it's not as bad, for some reason. I guess I feel like I'm being judged by him. Well, things came to a head for me. I couldn't stand being yelled at all the time, and I snapped. I said some terrible things that I didn't really mean.”

“Like what?” Magnus said softly. This sounded bad.

Hot Rod hung his head even further with shame. “I told him that I didn't want him as my father, that I was tired of living in his shadow. And I told him that I wish he had stayed dead.” He shuddered. “I'd never seen that look on his face before. It was like I punched him in the gut.”

Magnus sighed heavily. “Oh, Roddy, I think you really hurt him.” He stared fixedly at his desk top, seeming to debate something internally. After what seemed like ages, he looked up, coming to a decision. “Listen, Roddy, what I am about to tell you must never leave this room. You must breathe a word of this to no one. Primus knows I shouldn't be telling you this, but I think you have a right to know.”

Hot Rod sat forward on the edge of his seat, nodding somberly. He may have been behaving somewhat irresponsibly lately, but he could always be counted on to keep a secret. It was this quality that had served him well as Autobot leader. “You have my word, Magnus. I'll take it to my grave.”

Ultra Magnus looked uncomfortable with the subject at hand. “Optimus suffers from major depression, Roddy. The past nine million years have been very rough on him. He's been through more than any of us can imagine. A lot of Autobots seem to think that his job is easy, since that's how he's made it look. We both know from personal experience how wrong that assumption is. In a way, I think we are all like his children. The Autobot resistance would never have even gotten off the ground without him. He's always been able to hide his feelings – he's had a lot of practice over the years. He's gotten so attached to that battle mask that I don't think he ever takes it off anymore. Things weren't so bad when Alita was around – she always seemed to make him feel better. Sometimes he would come to me or Ratchet, and we tried to help him in any way we could, but there were other times that he would just clam up and not say a word to anybody. He would let whatever problem he had eat him up inside.”

Magnus rubbed his optics wearily as Hot Rod sat dumbfounded. “He really hasn't been the same since he was resurrected, twice, by the Quintessons. He won't talk to me, and I know Ratchet is just as frustrated. Something is very wrong, and Optimus would rather let it destroy him than confide in anyone. He's been isolating himself and pulling away from the few friends he has left, and it's got me very worried. The only time I've seen him come close to being his old self was when he would talk about you. He has trouble expressing it, but he really does care about you. If only you could see how proud he is of you.”

“Proud? Of me?” Hot Rod squeaked. This was certainly news to him! It seemed that Optimus had done nothing but criticize him. His mind struggled to comprehend what Magnus was telling him. Optimus Prime had always seemed so perfect to him, infallible in every way. Roddy had always tried to measure up and felt that he had fallen short. These past few days with the Autobot leader had come as a surprise – Optimus had feelings that could be hurt, and a temper fiery enough to match his own. And to think that he suffered from depression – it meant that things affected the large Autobot far deeper than anyone imagined.

“I feel so bad,” the young Autobot whispered. “I had no idea… and I said such cruel things to him….”

“You couldn't have known,” Magnus said kindly. “He does everything he can to cover it up and pretend it doesn't bother him. He's just going through a tough time right now. Primus, I'm so worried about him. It's never been this bad before.” He hesitated, then continued, “I'm afraid he'll do… do something… irrevocable.”

Roddy's mouth hung open in shock. The word that Magnus could not bring himself to voice was suicide. Could the mighty Optimus Prime be that despondent? Who knew, really? Who really knew Optimus Prime at all? Maybe things had gotten so unbearable that the Autobot leader could no longer face it. What a terrible irony – the one Autobot that tried to be there for everyone would no longer let anyone close to him. Hot Rod felt simply awful. He had a hand in this, and while he wasn't the root of Prime's misery, he certainly hadn't helped. He resolved right then and there to do everything he could to make things better for his mentor.

He stood up, straight and tall, full of courage and resolve. Magnus had to blink to be sure that it wasn't Rodimus Prime before him. “Don't worry, Magnus,” the adolescent said with conviction. “I'll get to the bottom of this. No matter what it takes.”


end of Chapter Ten

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