"No. Oh, Primus, no. Please tell me I didn't do what I
did last night!"
Prime lay back on the bed, awash in guilt. He had gone against
what he had always preached, what he had taught others and what
he had fervently believed himself. He knew that drugs were not
a way out, that they would only compound his problems. Yet he
had acted like a fool. He had taken the Enerweed, and now his
conscious would not let him forget it.
He rolled over and buried his face in his hands. "I can't
face anyone today," he groaned. "I feel so stupid.
I acted so stupidly. How could I have been so stupid?"
"No," he told himself, "I have to get up. I have
to make up for the mistake I made last night." He slowly
arose from the bed. On his way to the shower he passed his desk.
He reached out and picked up his half-mask, inserting it in place.
The document he had written last night caught his eye.
"This is terrible!" he exclaimed as he looked it over.
"Most of the words aren't even spelled right. And I would
never use such language. This stuff screwed with my mind. I
am definitely never, never going to touch that stuff again. Or
anything else like it." He thought back to the events of
the previous night with a sense of revulsion.
"I hate myself," he whispered. "The Autobots
deserve a better leader than me."
"Oh, great, now you're feeling sorry for yourself!"
his conscious exclaimed. "I don't think so, pal. You're
going out there, and you're going to make up for last night."
"Okay, okay," he muttered. The worst part was that
he had actually enjoyed himself last night. It had felt so good
to let go, to drop all barriers and forget responsibilities.
Primus help him, it had felt so good to forget. He braced himself
mentally, for he knew his problems were about to get a whole lot
worse.
* * * * *
Prime sat glumly at his desk, listening to the faint beat of
music. Ratchet was ecstatic, since he had finally gotten permission
for his party. He had pestered Prime to join him, but Prime was
not in a partying mood. He already had his own party for one
last night, and his conscience was making him pay the price.
"Hey, Prime, what're you doing here?" asked a voice.
Prime lifted his head from his hands.
"Huh? Oh, Sideswipe. I couldn't attend Ratchet's party.
I've got too much to do here."
Sideswipe shook his head. "Man, I'm sure glad I'm not the
leader. Guys like me want to have fun once in a while."
Prime felt his turbulent feelings boiling over. "Look,
Sideswipe--" he began. Fortunately, he was saved from lashing
out by the next song that wafted down the hall.
"Oh, the Macarena!" Sideswipe exclaimed. "I love
this song! I'd better go join the guys and get in line to dance!"
He danced off down the hall, gesturing with his arms and singing,
"Hey, Macarena!"
This sight brought a small smile to Prime's face beneath his
mask. However, his pressures soon returned in full force. "Just
once I'd like to attend one of those parties. But I never really
fit in. Rodimus may have had his problems while leading, but
at least he remembered what it was like to cut loose and fit in
with the rest of the troops. And the others understood when he
lost control of his temper, since they knew that he was still
a bit brash. Sometimes I can barely keep from snapping at people.
But if I let my anger get the better of me, I'd spend the rest
of the day apologizing and trying to make up for the damage, while
trying to appease my conscience at the same time."
Prime's thoughts were once again interrupted. "Hey, Prime!"
Jazz greeted him. "Aren't you going to join the party?"
"No!" Prime snapped. The shocked expression on Jazz's
face instantly made him feel guilty. "I'm sorry, Jazz.
I still have a lot of work left to do, and it's making me a bit
edgy."
Jazz nodded. "No problem, Prime. You should try to relax.
You know, lighten up a bit. Well, I'm off to the party again.
Catch you later!"
Prime stared at his retreating back. "'Lighten up a bit,'"
he mocked. "That'll be the day. Oh, Primus, what am I thinking?
He's my friend, and I'm making fun of him for worrying about
me! I'm a terrible person." He clenched his fists in frustration.
There was a knock at the door. Prime looked up with an angry
gleam in his optics. "No, I'm not going to the party,"
he said slowly and dangerously.
Wheeljack looked at him in surprise. "I wasn't going to
ask if you were. Now then, I've got another invention in the
works. It's all written down right here. I just need you to
look it over and approve it so I can get started."
Prime momentarily lost all ability to speak. "...Another
one?" he managed to choke out.
"Yes, of course, Prime," Wheeljack replied. "And
by the way, I still need your approval on my last invention."
Prime felt as if he were seeing Wheeljack through a long, dark
tunnel. His chest heaved, as if trying to cast aside a crushing
burden. He prepared his vocal circuits to scream out, to finally
yell to Wheeljack that he never wanted to hear about his damn
inventions again, but all he could manage was, "I'll get
right on it, Wheeljack."
Wheeljack looked satisfied. "I need them by tomorrow so
that I can start their construction. Let me know when you've
got them ready. Goodbye," he called and walked out.
Prime sat there for several minutes, trying to force oxygen to
his air filters past the crushing pressure on his chest. "He
needs it by tomorrow? So does everyone else here! I can't possibly
do it all! I can't!" His voice rose rapidly. "I can't
take it anymore!"
He stood up, pushing his chair back violently, so that it collided
with the wall behind him. "I'm sick of work!" he yelled,
shoving the piles of paper off his desk. "I never want to
see it again! And most of all, I'm sick of being leader!"
The pressure in him built and built, like carbonation in a bottle
of soda, seeking a way out. And just like those bubbles, when
shaken up so much that they could not take any more, they found
their own release by exploding outward.
Prime flung his head back and let out a cry of sheer torment.
He could feel his vision growing dim. All he knew now was that
there were bad things in his head, bad thoughts, and he wanted
to escape them. He curled up in a ball on the floor and let his
mind withdraw from reality. He sighed with relief as everything
went black.
end of Chapter Five
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