Magnus paced back and forth nervously in front of the door to Optimus Prime's living quarters. He had been out here for nearly half an hour, wearing a path in the floor while debating whether or not to disturb his leader. After the departure of the shuttle, Optimus had retreated to his quarters and not a peep had been heard of him since. Several days now had passed, and the others were becoming uneasy. They understood Prime's emotional reaction all too well and did not begrudge him the time alone, but such a prolonged silence was worrying. Optimus was never one to be open with his feelings, but even in times of great personal hardship he had been at the head of things, burying his emotions behind a thick mental wall. He had always put the Autobot army first, and now his followers didn't know what to do in his absence.
Many of them were worried about their future and wanted to be reassured, but with the absence of their paragon of strength, the living legend, their anxiety grew. Ultra Magnus had done all he could to reassure them, but he knew that his words did not hold the weight as the charismatic Optimus. Once again he hesitated, hand poised above the chime, wondering if he should even be here. The same reasons both for and against his presence rushed through his mind. Finally, before he came to an impasse again and starting his pacing, his finger reached out and pressed the door chime.
Magnus jumped back as if he'd been burned. He considered briefly running off down the hall and leaving Prime to his private mourning. Then, to his great astonishment, the doors soundlessly slid open. Mentally bracing himself, he stepped inside, jumping again when the doors closed behind him.
He squinted into the dark room as his optics quickly adjusted to the somber lighting, a dramatic contrast to the brightly lit hallway. His friend sat morosely on the recharge bed, head bent, wrapped up in his own thoughts. If it hadn't been for the doors opening, which had to be authorized from inside as a security precaution for the Autobot leader, he would have been positive that Optimus was oblivious to his presence. All the same, he made a sort of coughing noise to announce himself.
Very slowly, not startled at all by the noise, Optimus raised his head and turned to look at the invader. Magnus had to hold onto himself tightly to keep from crying out. He took an involuntary step back, profoundly shocked by what he saw before him. Prime's battle mask, which Magnus had always assumed to be a natural part of his face, was abandoned carelessly at the foot of the berth. The expression on his friend's face was heartbreaking. His cheeks were dry but wore telltale streaks, giving away more than he would ever voice. But it was his optics that were the most frightening, almost indigo and full of mute despair. The dullness betrayed his lack of recharge.
Magnus struggled to find his voice. "Optimus, I--"
"Don't bother," he said, and Magnus winced at the rough, hoarse quality of the voice; "I already know what you're going to say."
Magnus ignored that statement. "It's not your fault, you know," he said softly.
Optimus laughed humorlessly. "Don't patronize me, Magnus. She was my mate. I should have found a way to save her. She deserved better."
"Maybe she did, but sitting here in the dark won't help it. She's giving her life for us, and we've got to be ready to act!"
Optimus jumped to his feet with a speed that overcame his fatigue and misery. "Do you have any idea how sick I am of hearing that!" he cried. "Magnus, I have seen so many noble acts and sacrifices in my time, and do you know what they've accomplished? Nothing!! We're even worse off than we were before we left Cybertron. At least then other planets weren't involved. At least then I didn't have the lives of thousands of other worlds on my conscience as well as those in my army." The energy seemed to drain out of him, and he slumped back onto the bed wearily. "Nobody else should have to die, Magnus. There's been too much killing already. The entire human race was wiped out in one stroke to further Galvatron's mad plans for conquest. There have been so many good people that I've seen suffer and die, giving their lives for a cause that I lose faith in day after day."
"Like Hot Rod?" Magnus prodded.
"Like Hot Rod," Prime echoed, shoulders slumping even more. "He had so much ahead of him, Magnus. He really had the power to make a difference. He did so much in just a few years, helping form the EDC and hosting peace talks with other species. It took me millennia to strengthen our army, and in all the time that I've been leader my focus has been solely on winning this war. Rodimus had vision. He earned the humans' trust easily, made them equal partners, while I'd been struggling for their acceptance ever since our crash. It was phenomenal." His voice became self-accusing. "And then I came back to life."
Magnus approached cautiously and perched himself on the edge of the berth next to his friend. "Don't blame yourself for that. Rodimus was delighted to have you back."
Optimus sighed in exasperation. "Of course he was. It meant that he could surrender his new responsibilities and fade back into the ranks, returning to his irreverent, carefree persona. He didn't feel comfortable with the mantle of leadership, but all it needed was some time. I tried to reason with him, get him to keep his rank, but all of my pleas fell on deaf audios. He was so sure that he was unworthy that he wouldn't even take a moment to consider my words. He refused to believe that he was the Chosen One, even after all that he'd been through. He just naturally assumed that I was the one who should be in command. I tried to get him to help me out, but all he would give me were a few tersely-worded reports. I had no idea what I was dealing with, Magnus. I had no connections with those that he called our allies and new nothing of our new enemy. I felt like a fool during meetings with alien beings who had spent years working with Rodimus and now were faced with someone who knew nothing of their efforts. I had to learn to deal with these adaptations without fully understanding the mind that had put them together. Worse of all, I didn't know how to deal with Galvatron. I know that he was criticized my many for not simply eliminating such an obviously weak and flawed enemy, but I knew better. Galvatron was nothing like Megatron, he was ten times more dangerous. Megatron could at least be reasoned with, and he did have his own sense of honor. All that Galvatron was after was glory, and he didn't care what price it came at. Rodimus was juggling a time bomb, doing his best to defuse it. And suddenly I found myself jerked back into the world of the living to find that everything I had been familiar with had changed."
Magnus nodded wordlessly, not wanting to stop the flow of words. Optimus had always been very closed-mouthed with regard to his personal feelings, but now he seemed to feel the need to purge himself and get his thoughts out in the open. It was almost as if he had forgotten Magnus was there. "I suppose in a way it was my own fault for letting him go. I could see that the transition, his return to normal life, was not easy. A part of him must have been whispering that it wasn't right, that something was missing, and he must have blocked it out with all his strength. I'm not quite sure why, but he seemed to feel guilty about taking my place and saw my return as a chance to put things right. I know that I should have tried harder to make him see reason, but like many other things that should have gotten done in my personal life, I lacked the time. I was so busy trying to adjust to all the changes that I let opportunities slip by to talk to him, and of course, as time passed he found it easier to pretend that nothing had ever changed, that he had ever been more than a wise-cracking gun-toting kid. And I wasn't ready to accept it at the time, but a part of me was envious of that."
"Envious? Why?" Magnus asked, his curiosity overwhelming him and causing him to shatter the moment.
Optimus looked up, startled. He'd forgotten that Magnus was there. Looking rather ashamed, he forced himself to continue. It was time to own up to his darker feelings. "I envied him the opportunity to return to his former life, to have close friends again, to go out racing whenever the mood suited him, to not have to be shadowed by a bodyguard during times of great danger. And, of course, the ability to have a romantic relationship without worrying that his girlfriend would end up dead the next day or maybe just dump him for being married to his job. Sometimes I would watch him and feel a great pity, for it was obvious that things could never be exactly the same. Other times I would feel a poison rise up in me, a blind, selfish emotion of burning envy. He had gotten a second chance and regained everything that had been lost to me. I was not jealous of him, Magnus. I did not want to rob him of the small scraps of happiness that remained from his former life. I just wondered why I couldn't have the same."
Magnus regarded him mutely. He didn't know what to say. He had no idea that Optimus had felt this way. There were so many things about his friend that he didn't know. After all these millions of years, he was still an enigma. However, right before his eyes, some of the pieces were falling together. "Still, his death was not your fault," he insisted. "There was nothing that could have been done to stop him."
"I know," Optimus said softly. "And that, in a way, is my fault too. It was just a simple, routine spy mission. There was absolutely no reason for Goldbug to get caught. If I had realized that security had been beefed up in that sector, I never would have sent him in alone. You remember this, Magnus. You were there when we received the ransom message from Galvatron about his new hostage. Unfortunately, Hot Rod was there too. He knew the stakes better than anyone. Megatron could be bargained with, but Galvatron was just too unstable. No matter what we could have given him, he would have killed Goldbug anyway, just for the joy of killing. He looked at me, and in that moment, when our gazes locked, we were peers. He could see my dilemma plainly. I couldn't give in to Galvatron's demands, but I also couldn't leave Goldbug to die. Hot Rod took the decision out of my hands. That was why he disobeyed the orders that confined all non-essential personnel to base and went to save Goldbug. He knew that I couldn't order a rescue and took the decision out of my hands. He was a true leader, Magnus, even without the Matrix. But the Decepticon base was just too tough a nut for him to crack alone, and he fell into the same trap that Goldbug did. I wouldn't allow you or anyone else watch the transmission, but I could not permit myself to look away as Goldbug and Hot Rod were executed. Their deaths were on my conscience, and I could not blind myself to it. Hot Rod was brave until the last. I could tell by the expression in his optics that he didn't want me to accept blame for his actions, but how could I not? I will feel the burden of it always."
Optimus suddenly pierced his friend with a direct gaze full of emotion. "You know, I never thanked you, Magnus."
Magnus looked confused. "Thanked me? For what?"
"For being there for Roddy. For supporting him, for building up his confidence, for teaching him to believe in himself. I can only imagine what it must have been like for him, suddenly thrust into the spotlight without a single clue what to do or who to turn to. At least I had Alita and Alpha Trion to help me through the worst of it. By Primus, he must have felt so defenseless. But you hung in there with him and kept him going. I can't tell you what it must have meant to him."
Magnus shook his head in refusal. "Believe me, Prime, it was nothing out of the ordinary. He was a gifted leader, he just needed the confidence to see it. Experience would have taken care of that in time, but first he needed people to believe in him. It was crushing to him to be referred to as a young, unruly punk by those who he craved respect and acceptance from. He always seemed to take Kup's harsh criticisms good-naturedly, but I could see how deeply the words cut. It took a while, but finally the others began to adjust to Roddy's more fiery disposition and see that it wasn't borne out of immaturity. He had what it takes, Prime, and he accomplished some great things."
A brief, miniscule smile flitted across the weary leader's face. "I know, Magnus. You're preaching to the choir here. I know it sounds like a human cliché, but his death nearly broke my heart. Despite all his denials, I could tell that Hot Rod was every inch a leader underneath. I held onto the hope that perhaps someday, once he'd had a little more time to mature at his own speed, he'd realize his destiny and allow me to train him properly as my protégé. Sometimes I would see him lingering around my office, but whenever I greeted him he'd hurry off. He was our future, Magnus, and I had quite a bit of trouble coping with his loss. I also felt very unsettled, since I now was left without a clear successor. Such a problem had never bothered me before my death, since I had always assumed that we'd find a way to win the war. Now I see that I must not leave such a large decision to chance."
Optimus then fell silent. As the silence began to stretch out into several minutes, Mangus began to worry, but forced himself to not fidget or speak. If he had been human, he would have held his breath during such a delicate moment. He could practically hear the thoughts of his friend whirring in his cerebral cortex, and it would be his decision whether he wanted to share them or not. In all the millions of years that they'd known each other, Optimus had rarely confided in him, much less to the extent that he was today. Perhaps he felt that he had already said too much, or felt rather vulnerable after bearing his innermost thoughts, or perhaps he wanted to come clean, to cleanse his soul of whatever dark demons had haunted him for so long.
"She was my first, you know," Optimus spoke so softly that Magnus would have missed it had his sensors not been on full.
Magnus shifted uneasily, not sure where this was going but sensing that his friend expected a response. "Your first true love?"
"Oh yes," Optimus laughed, but it was a sharp and abrupt sound, more bitter than amused. "She was my first everything- well, almost. She was the first female to really capture my attention, and she never let it go, not even after all this time. She was my first lover, too. She taught me some unbelievable things about myself. I had never believed such pleasure between two people was possible. For the first time I truly understood what it meant to feel like a man. I couldn't get enough of her for quite some time."
Magnus had no idea how to respond to this, so he simply nodded, hoping that is discomfiture wasn't too obvious. This wasn't anything that he should be hearing. Normally Optimus was so closed-mouthed on the subject of his personal life that not even wildebeests could drag anything out of him. It had taken him many years, and a very determined Alita One, to make him publicly confirm the seriousness of their relationship.
Suddenly Optimus gave a soft moan and buried his head in his hands. "I can't believe I've lost her. She was everything to me, Magnus. We had so little private time together, and every time she lay peacefully in my arms, deep in recharge, I swore to myself that I'd never let her out of my sight again. I know that sounds a little extreme, but being away from her for weeks on end hurt so much. And then when we crash-landed on Earth I couldn't truly bring myself to believe that she was dead, not in my heart. When we were reunited for that preciously short amount of time I thought I would burst with happiness. I would have even kissed Megatron, for in a way it was him that reunited us. But when it came time for us to part company I could barely walk into the shuttle, the grief was so overwhelming. Through everything, every crisis, she stood by me and gave me the mental support I needed. Somehow our relationship held together, even when we realized we could never truly be united and both began to have affairs. Eventually we would always return to each other, our love stronger than ever. I know that she felt abandoned sometimes, and that it was selfish for me to hold onto her when I could never give her the full attention she deserved, but I just couldn't bear the idea of saying goodbye and letting her out of my life. Of course all of that's moot now. I'll never hear her laugh again, never see that mischievous glint in her optics when she'd thought up a new prank to pull on me, never lay next to her and hold her in my arms as she recharges, feeling like the happiest mechanism that ever lived." His voice trembled slightly at the last word, and his fists clenched tightly as he fought back a wave of emotion. Magnus gingerly put a hand on his friend's shoulder, wanting to comfort him but not quite sure how.
Gradually Prime's fists relaxed and he wearily looked up at his friend. "I have something else that I must thank you for, Magnus. You've always been there when I needed you. I'm so glad you're here. You know, I don't always want to be left alone when I feel like this. What an irony- Alita and I are always scrambling to find a few minutes' privacy for ourselves when everything's running smoothly, but the moment a tragedy happens I'm left in solitude with only my troubled thoughts for company. Most times I value the silence, the chance to think and sort things out, but I tend to think too deeply on a subject and only end up feeling worse. Most of the others would respect the closed door and never dare to disturb me from my thoughts, but sometimes I'd like for someone to burst in on me and drag my from my melancholy. Alita was very good at that- she'd nag and scold like a Terran housewife until I'd stopped brooding over my current problem. I'm very grateful to have a friend like you, Magnus."
Magnus fumbled for a reply. "I'm glad to be here for you," he said quite sincerely, rather bowled over by his friend's words, so uncharacteristically vulnerable. He'd had no idea he'd meant so much to Prime. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm always willing to listen."
"Thank you, Magnus, you've always been such a good friend to me. That is why I feel so horrible about what I must do."
Magnus was filled with dread. "I don't think I understand."
Optimus lifted the object that had been concealed on his lap, bringing it into view. Magnus gasped sharply as the Matrix shone brightly like a polished jewel despite the dimly lit surroundings. A hundred vivid memories rushed through his mind- Optimus slowly dying in medbay, himself being torn apart by the Sweeps, the exodus from the self-destructing Unicron.
Prime's tone of voice was infinitely sad. "Magnus, I must ask a great favor of you. I can no longer--"
"NO! Please, Optimus, I can't do it!" Magnus jumped off the recharge bed, unable to suppress the cry of shock and horror.
Optimus focused his gaze on the crystalline structure in his hand, not bothering to look at his companion. "Please, Magnus, at least hear me out. I understand how averse you are to the idea of leadership, but right now I have no other choice. I can't continue on like this, Magnus. The feelings of loss and futility are just too overwhelming for me. I need time to recover. Besides, the decision is beyond my control. The Matrix will no longer accept me as its bearer."
Magnus was even more shocked at this news. "It's rejected you?!" he cried incredulously. He couldn't believe it. While he had carried the Matrix he had felt absolutely nothing, neither acceptance nor rejection. He had simply assumed that the Matrix did not react to its bearers, until Hot Rod had been chosen by the device itself and later told Magnus about the experience, about the indescribable sensations that had coursed through him. Even then Magnus knew that he could never completely understand what a link to the Matrix must be like. He knew that he was not meant to be a leader, and in fact had never aspired to be. "But why? Surely it isn't repulsed by your decision to send Alita on the mission. It was the right choice, the only option left to you."
Optimus sighed. "I don't my decision itself is the cause. I've been feeling despair for some time, and I fear that the loss of my mate has pushed things to an irreparable state. A leader must have a special spark within, Magnus, a fire of passion and devotion for those that follow. I fear that my spark has finally died away. I no longer have the spirit necessary to house the Matrix. It knows that it is time to select a new leader."
"But why me?" Magnus protested. He winced at the words, fearing that they carried a petulant and whiny tone.
"Because you are a brave and capable leader." Optimus held up his hand as Magnus began to protest. "I know that you are not destined to be our leader, and I knew it when I first named you Matrix bearer. I had sensed for some time that the young Hot Rod had a special aptitude, despite his youth, but the Autobots were not yet ready to accept him, nor was he ready to accept the burden until he had proved himself. You do not have the spark that is necessary to lead the Autobots, but your expertise as city commander will serve you in good stead. I will not mince words, Magnus- you are my only hope. I no longer have the will to continue as leader. I understand your fears, but you performed excellently before as Autobot leader, and the failures that occurred were not your fault, but were do to the impossible situation of battling Unicron. At least I know that the Autobots will have a capable and level-headed leader if you accept the title. Please, Magnus, I'm begging you. I cannot force you to accept, and if you refuse I don't know what I'll do. I have to get out of all of this for a while. If I don't I fear I will go mad. I just can't take it anymore."
Prime's optics, blazing with intense emotion, seemed to cut through Ultra Magnus, who suddenly felt very ashamed of himself. Despite the praise that his friend had heaped on him moments ago, Magnus knew that he was a rotten friend. He had not come here to comfort his friend and lend a shoulder to cry on, though he would have gladly done so had he realized the necessity of it, he had come to Optimus to persuade him to reassure the troops and assure them that he was still as strong a leader as ever. He had had no idea that Optimus was in such a fragile emotional state, and that his mental state had deteriorated to such an extent. He was barely strong enough to handle his own grief, let alone the pressures of leadership, that had gradually worn him down for so long. Would it really be so bad to take this burden from his friend's shoulders? Their defeat was virtually assured, and even Optimus could not change that, so could he himself really screw up too badly? What the Autobots needed was something to believe in, and Optimus would go a long way towards reassuring them, Magnus could at least make an effort. And no matter what, Optimus deserved a respite from his long-held responsibilities. Magnus could not dispute the Matrix's decision to reject its host. There was nothing else to be done. He would have to accept the position.
Magnus stood up straight and tall, preparing himself once again to receive the dubious honor of the title of Autobot leader. "I will accept the honor of bearing the matrix, Optimus. You have endured too much already."
The look of Prime's incredulous relief pricked at Magnus, making him feel guilty for some reason. He wasn't looking forward to this at all, but Prime's palpable relief convinced him that it was for the best. He held out his hands gingerly, and Optimus reverently placed the Matrix into his grasp. He eased the Matrix into his open chest casing, and as the panels slid shut he waited briefly for a reaction. Nothing happened. As before, the Matrix neither accepted nor rejected him.
For a moment he felt a moment of sheer panic. 'This is crazy! If Optimus has lost his spirit, what hope do I have?' He quickly forced himself to calm down. "I won't let you down, Optimus. I swear I'll make you proud of me."
Optimus smiled wearily. "Of that I have no doubt. I have the utmost confidence in you, Magnus. Now, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to be alone right now. I have a lot to think about."
Magnus turned to the door then suddenly stopped himself, forcibly breaking his habit of obeying Prime's orders. "Are you sure, Optimus? This might not be a good time to be alone. Are you sure you're going to be all right?"
Optimus shook his head. "Of course not. I don't think I'm going to be all right for a long time. But I do know what you mean. You know me far too well."
Magnus had a hard time hiding his surprise. His friend had always been an enigma to him, a puzzle with half of the pieces hidden from view.
Optimus continued, "I know that too much time alone brooding might not be the best thing to do, but I would like some time to think. I promise I won't do anything stupid. You have my word."
Magnus nodded solemnly, feeling the heavy burden of leadership resting on his shoulders. "I'll leave you in peace then, but if you ever need anything, someone to talk to, you know where to find me."
Optimus nodded. "Thank you. You've really helped me a lot."
"Take care of yourself, Optimus," Magnus murmured as the doors slid closed behind him.
"You too, old friend," Optimus replied softly, then he was enveloped by silence, left alone with his ghosts.