Coming Out
Coming out is when you 'come out of the closet' about your 'alternative' sexuality. (not that being gay or lesbian or bi is 'alternative' like pierced eyebrows are.... I mean as in 'not str8', which gives the implication that we're putting people in filing cabinets... hmmm.... how about the fact that you are attracted to people of the same sex as you (or motss).) It can be a wonderful experience, in that you feel a great burden has been lifted off your shoulders, or you can be left thinking 'Fuck, I shoulda kept my mouth shut.'
It all depends on how you see yourself,
and how big a part sexuality plays in your life. You can say, look, it's
no one's business who I choose to have sex with, what happens behind closed
doors is private. But often, being gay doesn't just mean that you have sex
with motss. Often it can mean a totally different way of life.
Very gay, heterophobic activists may have a go at you, because you're apparently
being homophobic by not being completely out, or 'str8 acting'.
Ultimately, it's all about pride and self acceptance. But if you're happy
being yourself, and out to mebbe your close friends and family only, that's
fine.
Of course, if you've got horrible 'get married and give us grandkids' parents
who continually set you up with the next-door neighbour's son or daughter, etc,
it can be a great feeling to go 'fuck off mum, I'm gay ok??' *lol* of course,
this doesn't always work....
If you've been paranoidly clearing out your browser's history file after every
session, and are really careful as to who your uni friends are, and make people
ring up about history essays all the time, then it can feel really, reallly good
to just come out.
This is the fun bit. Tell whoever you want, and don't tell anyone you don't want to. Walk around wearing 'Nobody knows I'm a lesbian' on your shirt, or keep all your Outrage's under your bed... it doesn't really matter. Just make sure that the people you're telling are : accepting, open minded and that you're not financially dependant on them ! If your parents are really homophobic, I'd say move out rather than come out. You've really got to look at your own personal safety and happiness. If they're likely to send you for electric shock treatment, well uh.... don't. It helps if you kinda have an inkling of what their reaction would be. You could test the water by having a really good friend at uni who's just come out, or say your boss @ work is gay. If they're fine with that, then chances are they should be fine with you. Note I didn't say definitely will ! Tell your best friends, cos if they find out via the grapevine before you tell them personally, they may be offended. Tell anyone it directly affects (eg your motos partner if you're turning homosexual on them...). If you're still at school, and if it's a private, same-sex, religious school, then I'd keep my mouth shut unless I were completely self-confident and happy. A good way to start is to tell your web or irc friends, becos the worst they can do is stop talking to you. And then, you're not really missing much *g*. If you're lucky, no one will care and they'll all just go, ok. that's nice. I knew that anyway. So am I or something equally.... non-exciting. It can be a bit of a let down, but what did you expect them to do? Let off fireworks or something??? :P
Ok. I don't want to alarm you or start
another Y2K 'quick buy another generator Mabel' type panic rush ;-) but
this is serious kinda stuff, k?
1. Make sure you have a support network of friends you're out to, so you can cry
on their shoulders etc.
2. Make sure you have emergency accommodation lined up, ie a friend's spare room
or couch. An overnite bag packed with some basic stuff and some clothes to
last for a few days kept in your cupboard is a good idea. If you're gonna
get kicked out, you're probably not gonna be given 3 hours to pack up your life
belongings and a removal van ordered.
3. If you work, and you don't have a car, figure out how you're gonna get to
work if your parents won't drive you or you're not near your usual bus
stop. If you can afford to, you could take the week off work so you've got
some breathing space.
4. If you don't have a job, are you financially dependant on your parents??
Don't rely on Youth Allowance, because I don't think 'My parents kicked me out
of home cos I'm gay' will get you classed as independent, unless they sign a
form saying it's too hard for you to live at home and study or whatever....
which mightn't be very likely. If you have money stashed away in your bank
accounts, make sure to take all documentation with you (ie bank statements, tax
file number, passport etc) so your parents can't cancel your accounts or say
your purse has been stolen, please freeze your cards... This may sound
silly, but a friend of mine's parents hired a private investigator to
follow him around and interrogate all his friends... Scary huh.
5. Think carefully about what your p's could do if you're under 18. Also
if you're over 18, but they still have a strong hold on you, and how good they
are at emotional blackmail. If you're in line for a trust fund when you
turn 18, stick around for that. Then come out. (That may sound very
materialistic, but realistically speaking, money is essential. If it's
$2000 or something like that, that's at least 5 months rent.)
You should be lucky though, and all of the above will be only as a safety precaution. *cross fingers*
Ok. Use logic. Don't come out in the middle of an argument. Don't use your queer-ness to blame your parents or as a guilt trip. It's best to do it at home, when it's relatively quiet. Don't come out in public places, or when someone's driving (you don't want them to run off the road). Don't come out after a big family sitch, or a death, or a wedding, or a really bad day at work. Make sure you're calm and collected. If it's to your friends, on the phone is ok. Don't bring your gf or bf home and say you're gay then and there. They may suffer. But it's a good way for friends. Don't come out unless you're entirely comfortable yourself with your own sexuality. And be prepared for denial, and 'You can't be a lesbian, you've never even kissed a man' (well, I wonder why?) and 'You're not sexually attracted to women, it's just I think you didn't have enough female friends at high school that you're confused'. (yay mum!)
Counselling services like Lifeline are always good.
Back to procrastination central !