So who the hell are you??

Ok. I reject the necessity to put people in boxes, to label their sexuality.  Sexuality should be fluid, and it is. I know so many lesbians who sleep with men, either occasionally or regularly; and this in no way negates their legitimacy of their identification as lesbian.  I'm not labeling the sex act itself, but the persona, the identity of the person.  Thus, when I identify as grrrlydyke, I am explaining my personality, my sexual attraction and preference, my location on the butch-femme scale, and my desire for relationships with women.

Why grrrlydyke???

I have this complex that in order to be  a 'legitimate, proper dyke', I need to look and behave in a non-feminine manner. And this frustrates me ! It's not based on theory, rather it's from my experiences with the Brisbane scene, from people expressing surprise at my sexual identity becos I 'don't look like one'.  The majority of Brisbane dykes and lesbians that I come into contact with  are either androgynous (mainly resembling 14 yr old boys) or butch in appearance.  Most have short hair, or shaven heads.  I know one butch woman with long hair, but she drives a jeep, works in the army and lives in cargo pants.  I needed to be recognised as a woman-loving woman, so I cut my shoulder-length hair off into a basic crew-cut.  (Note: dyke-visibility was not the sole reason for getting my hair cut, it was thick and it shitted me)  My mother commented (well, with a helluva lot more emotion) that I may as well just 'put a neon sign above my head proclaiming that I'm a lesbian'.  I laughed.  The only ppl who recognise me as a dyke, are people who care whether or not I'm a dyke.  Ie, other dykes.  But even then, I doubt I would set off my own gaydar.      I theorise that my visibility is relative to my comfort within my own sexuality, I feel that as soon as I can be openly dyke-y at home and bring home my girlfriends, and not have my parents freak, my life will be a helluva lot easier, I will be a lot more at ease with myself, and it will show.  I'll start giving off confident dyke vibes. But atmo, there's always this small voice inside of me that says I wished I looked a bit more dyke-y... but then the rest of me goes, fuck off !! I'm not conforming to the image that the Brisbane lesbian club scene presents as 'what a proper dyke' looks like... 

But I digress.  Lesbian, dyke, queer - they are but words.  Labels.  Culturally-specific identities.  I used to identify as queer.  Hmmmm, here comes the bit where she talks about boys.  Oooooeeerrrr..... I used to identify as queer, becos I disliked the stereotypes and connotations associated with bisexual.  Becos I didn't see myself as wanting both sex and relationships with men and women.  I didn't, and still don't, have any interest in sex with men.  I craved intimacy, and friendship, and would find myself with crushes on guys I knew.  However, whilst I was quite happy to cuddle and spoon them, anything sexual was.... boring.  And these guys were getting gradually femme-r and femme-r.  Most were bisexual if not gay.  Friends joked that they could tell if  a guy had bisexual tendencies, see whether I found him attractive or not !! This is coming from the same time where I was falling in love and lust with women, and gradually affirming my homosexual identity.  Now, my relationships are purely same-sex. I haven't been interested in a guy for a good year or so.  (This is probably because I don't socialise with that many str8 males.) I still look at men and find some attractive, and perhaps feel attracted to them, but I have no desire to relate, date or mate with them.  

I dislike the word lesbian.  I don't like the way it sounds, the way it feels in my mouth. I also feel that lesbian has more femme connotations, and dyke more butchy ones.  So I prefer to identify as dyke.  Partly becos of my strange yearning to be butch, partly becos I like saying it :) 

Butch-femme. While I realise that we are way past the dichotomy that lesbians must be butch or femme, the games of role-playing and whether this heterosexual parody within lesbian relationships is politically incorrect within the constraints of lesbian-feminism (bleurgh);  I see everyday evidence that lesbians *do* relate to the categories defined within the Butch-Femme Test. And whether we're talking essentialism or constructionism, whether there *is* an innate sense of what is female and what is male; or whether all our concepts of gender identities and roles are merely social constructs, created by the all-oppressive patriarchy to put women in their subservient places, I don't really care. (Incidentally, the patriarchy has no gender) I personally am attracted to butch women.  Preferably butch women with feminine bodies, I like the curves of breasts and hips. (Helllooooo Sarah bebbe)  I also have this thing for girls who look like 14 yr old boys, slim-hipped, small-breasted women with shaved heads.  Hmmmmm. 

Don't judge a book by its cover. Many lesbians look like str8 women, many str8 women look like lesbians.  Appearances are deceiving. Both facial and body features (that we mostly cannot change), hairstyles and dress.  Clothes maketh the man?? Not necessarily... There's socio-economic and climatic factors to consider. However, within the philosophy of fashion, we dress to reflect our personas.  For example, it is fairly safe to assume that someone dressed in all black, velvet and lace, with white foundation upon their face and assorted silver jewellery is goth.  By dressing this way, the person is choosing to make their identity obvious to society.  The same with the gayboy who goes out every Friday nite in his tight white Bonds T, tight blue jeans or dress pants, bleached bond hair cut short and spiked.  His sexuality is obvious, because he's conforming to his cultural trends.  However, most of the time, I don't dress 'like a dyke'.  Sometimes I wear fairly formal skirts and shirts, but this doesn't make me the type of woman who is most likely a secretary or office worker.  Sometimes I wear hippie pants and a tie-dyed singlet, but in no way are my politics remotely eco-feminist, nor am I vegetarian.  It's not that I don't want to tell society that I am a dyke by wearing obviously dyke-y clothes, but that I have lots of clothes that I like to wear and feel good in, and with which I have no specific identity that I try to convey.  

Grrrlydyke.  Is an oxymoron of some terms, if I stick to my theory that dykes tend to hang off the butchier end of the scale. But I rejoice in my femininity. I have a fairly hourglass figure. And I love my curves, I love my childbearing hips (not that they will ever be of much use lol) and I love my breasts.  I reject the social constructs of what is 'feminine' and what women are meant to do and be, I hate wearing makeup and gossiping about boys and I refuse to be subservient.  BUT I do have my fav lippie that I wear when I feel spesh, I like glamming it up and wearing pink frilly things and non-sensible shoes every now and again.  I'm just as comfortable in tight skirts as in jeans or men's trousers.  And I'm not saying that in being a dyke, I am required to completely un-feminize myself. There may be this myth that if  you're sexually attractive to men, then you're not a legitimate dyke becos you haven't given up your societal privileges, and you thus haven't experienced the discrimination.  But there are *so* many butch-looking women who are straight.  And I'm not under any pressure to stop wearing my pink sequinned collar or short skirts out to lesbian nightclubs. 

Why grrrly?? Becos I like to be a girly-girl every now and again.  I giggle uncontrollably, and look incredibly innocent.  But I still retain my feminism, my feistyness, and my dykeyness. My power, my roar, my pride. Most of the time, I live in jeans and tight t-shirts, and sneakers.  But half of my wardrobe is girly, sexy, and revealing.   So you could say that my identity, these two words that I choose to describe myself with, is based on stereotypes, both personal and cultural, of what a 'dyke' is.  That dyke in itself, excludes women who are feminine.  But dyke is just a word, and its usage and meaning depend upon the situation, upon the person and upon the culture. 

But this is my identity, my personality. I identify as me first, Grrrlydyke second.  I think if you didn't know me, and I told you I was a Grrrlydyke, then you would at least think about who I am.  That you would challenge your stereotypes and definitions of words, and that you would not judge me by my appearance.  Eat women, oppress meat !  

Come into my parlour, said the spider to the fly.