**
Why is a bell obedient?
--
It rings only when it is TOLLED!
**
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge?
--
The door won't shut!
**
What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
--
Turns over a new leaf!
**What
farm animal is a cannibal?
--A
Cow... it eats it's "fodder"!!
**Why
wouldn't the dishwasher's gloves fit?
--Because
he had "Dishpan" Hands!
**
What do you call a crazy blackbird?
--
A raven lunatic!!
**What
do you get if you cross a hippo and a blackbird?
--Lots
of broken telephone poles!
**What
do you call it when instead of raining cats and dogs, it rains chickens, ducks
and turkeys?
--Fowl
Weather!!!
*What
is the rudest bird?
*A
Mockingbird!!
*
What is the difference between a prizefighter and a man with a cold?
-
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!!
*
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider?
- A
HAREnet!!
**What
is the most popular wine at Christmas?
--"Can't
we open the presents yet?"
**Why
was Santa's little helper depressed?
--Because
he had low elf esteem.
**What
goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
--Santa
caught in a revolving door!
**Why
does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
--Because
it SOOTS him!
*
If a pencil and a piece of paper had a race, which would win?
-
The pencil. (The paper would remain
stationary)
**
What is a zebra?
--
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
**
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
--
Sanka.
**
What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
--
Iceberg.
**
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
--
They all have phones.
*
Who was Snow White's brother?
-
Egg White.... get the yolk?
*
Did you hear that NASA has launched several Holsteins into low earth orbit?
-
It was the herd shot around the world.
*
Did you hear that Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein got together for a meeting
last week to discuss their common problem?
-
They both have Kurds in their whey.
*
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?
-
One baits his hook, while the other hates his book.
THE
DREADED AMISH FLU:
First
you get a little hoarse.
Then you get a little buggy.
**
What is the difference between a photocopier and the whooping cough?
--
One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families.
** What is always behind time? (besides myself)
--
The back of a watch.
**
Where does all the pepper go?
--
No one nose.
**
Which animals failed to come to Noah's Ark in pairs?
--
Worms.... they came in apples!
**
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of break at a time?
--
A four-loaf cleaver.
** Why is someone who never gambles just as bad
as a regular gambler?
-- Because he is no better!
**
Why is the letter A like a flower?
--
Because a Bee comes after it!
**
What do you call a bee born in May?
--
A Maybe.
*
Did you hear about the farmer who was found guilty of selling rotten fruit?
-
He was judged by his pears!
*
When should you use milk to irrigate your fields?
-
When you are growing creamed corn.
*
What do you call any Concordia Sports Team?
-
The punch line is once again... creamed corn.
*
What is the formula for water?
- H
I J K L M N O !
*
Where did King Tut go to ease his back pain?
-
The Cairo-practor!
*
What did the Scotsman do when he couldn't find a pair of pants?
-
He kilt himself.
**
What do you need to split an atom?
--
A fission License.
**
Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
--
If they traveled slowly, we would have to call them slow-i-canes