The moon was just beginning to peek up over the horizon, when Ursala dragged Willie into The Blue Whale. Feeling full of energy she bounded up to the bar and plopped herself right down on the nearest stool. She had worked up quit a thirst consuming all those steaks, so she pounded her fist on the counter to get the bartender's attention and declared, "It's Miller time, give me a beer!"
Willie came up quietly beside her. "Make that two Bob," he added, feeling like he could REALLY use a cold one right about now.
The man behind the bar eyed Ursala suspiciously. The off kilter eyelash, and the mascara ravaged face set off a few warning bells, "Looks like she's had enough already".
Willie motioned Bob aside and told him about the recent death of the girl's grandfather. He also reluctantly informed him that it was THAT time of the month for her.
"Oh PMS", Bob said nodding knowingly, "It figures".
Satisfied with the explanation he began to draw their drinks.
Deep from within Willie's stomach arose a loud protest of hunger. So he grabbed a basket of chips from the bar and brought it over to where Ursala was sitting, hoping she wouldn't inhale the whole thing before he at least got a few.
Safely securing a handful of chips, he couldn't help saying, "Ya know, I've never seen a girl with such a........healthy appetite before".
Ursala laughed, "My mother told me to never waste food, all those starving children in China you know".
"Yeah", he agreed while popping a few chips in his mouth. "My mom used to pull that one on me too".
The drinks arrived. Willie had just an appreciative sip of the golden brew before getting back to his chips. Ursala, however, took only a few seconds to contemplate the foam before raising the mug to her lips and chugging the whole lot in one fell swoop, spilling only a small amount on her floral print sundress. After draining the glass she leapt off her seat, grabbed Willie's arm and demanded, "Let's dance!"
Dancing was not his forte, so he faked it as best he could, shifting from side to side and moving his arms to the music.
Ursala on the other hand looked as if she was auditioning for "The Real Don Steele Show". She moved like a go go dancer in a cage, shaking her head wildly and alternately lifting her arms with great enthusiasm.
It was while she had one of her arms flung into the air, that Willie made a slightly gross discovery. He could see patches of dark stringy hair hanging from her armpits.
"Are ya by any chance.....European?" Willie asked a little repulsed by the sight, but feeling obligated to make conversation.
Ursala took this as a compliment and thought that he found her exotic.
"No I am just your average all American girl"
Meanwhile a couple of teenagers who had no business what so ever being there, had also noticed Ursala's fuzzy pits. So on a dare one of the girls went over to the juke box and made her selection. A few minutes later it began to play, "She asks me why...I'm such a hairy guy, Hairy noon and night: Hair that's a fright"
Both girls started to giggle.
Willie recognized the song from the musical "Hair" and he couldn't help but smile at their little joke. Ursala was too much into her dancing to even realize the tune had changed. In fact Willie had moved a few steps back so she wouldn't whack him in the face by accident while she was groovin' to the beat. And the beat went on, "My hair! Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in trees, Give a home to fleas in my hair".
At this point the mischievous girls were in tears from laughing. Their hilarity caught the attention of Bob the bartender, who promptly carded them and sent them packing.
Then suddenly Ursala doubled over in pain.
"Hey are you alright?" Willie asked with concern.
But the problem seemed to go away almost as soon as it came.
When her head was down, he noticed that her dark roots were really beginning to show. Miss Braithwaithe was definitely not a natural blonde. She lifted her head and assured him, "I'm okay, really Willie". The music turned mellow as he noticed the beginnings of a stubbly little mustache appearing on her upper lip. "Just dance with me Willie, hold me close", she whispered to him, putting her arms around him and laying her head on his shoulder."Sure", he agreed halfheartedly, thinking to himself, Oh the things I do for Maggie. But he had to admit that it felt good having a girl in his arms again. Although he was extremely grateful he didn't have to look at the remains of what had once been a beautiful face at the beginning of the evening, while they danced. Now she looked more like one of the living dead, not his favorite look.
"Willie", she began, her voice sounding a bit unsure. "I haven't really been myself lately, and I know a lot of guys wouldn't have put up with it." She gave him a little hug and continued, "You have been a perfect gentleman through all my madness and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated it".
He was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, but couldn't help feeling sorry for her. "Hey we all have our ups and downs, I've had my share too, that's for sure," he reassured her.
She lifted her head and ran her hand along his chest. "My what long nails you have Ursala", he blurted out, noticing that they seemed to have grown significantly beyond the polished portion of the nail.
"The better to hug you with my dear", she teased playfully. Putting her arms around his neck she began to gaze longingly into his eyes.
Willie was staring at the stubble which had now evolved into a full fledged mustache, and the wispy hairs that were beginning to form on her chin.
Ursala caught him staring at her mouth and interpreted this as his desiring a kiss. She thought she would grant his alleged wish and closed her eyes and leaned forward in anticipation.
Willie saw the approaching horror, but like a cat caught in the headlights of an approaching car, he was frozen in terror, hypnotized by her sparkling canines which were beginning to sprout from her eager mouth.
Just before first contact could be made, Willie was saved from the hairiest kiss in town when Ursala cringed back in another spasm of pain.
"Willie, I don't feel so good, please take me home", she cried.
With a great feeling of relief he helped her out to the truck. Finally the date from Hell was coming to an end. Ursala told him where she lived on Elm Street and for the first time that evening he felt his spirits lifting. Certainly when the gossip got back to her about Ursala's behavior in the diner, Maggie would be pleased with the way he handled things. This feeling of euphoria lasted for approximately two blocks.
