As we all know, Chandler Bing is the resident smart aleck on the show and regularly shoots off sarcastic remarks at every given opportunity. And we have seen how tortured he gets when he isn't able to make a smart reply ( such as in his latest New Year resolution where he promised to not make fun of his friends... he couldn't last even a week ).

Before you start on this page, I might have to warn you that this takes some time to load ( but then if you're like me and you'd do anything for a few laughs, then by all means, continue.. ). The stuff here are mostly from the first season of FRIENDS. The next season hits are at... More Chandlerisms, Little More Chandlerisms and the latest hot zingers from Chandler can be found here at Latest Chandlerisms

Monica : It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler : Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler : Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?

Monica : Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
Chandler : Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.

Chandler : Don't think of it as a cigarette ... think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you hold it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey : You miss it?
Chandler : Nah, not really.

Chandler : I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Phoebe : I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years!
Chandler : And this is my reward!
Ross : Hold on just a second, think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler : Ok! So this time I won't quit!

Chandler : Hey you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease' .... the bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it!

Ross : A thumb?!
Phoebe: I know, I know.
All: Ewwwwwwwwwww!
Phoebe: I opened it up, and there it was just floating there, like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Chandler: Well maybe it's a contest, you know? Like collect all five?

Chandler : Could we get some help here? It's kind of an emergency. But I guess you knew that, or else we'd be in the Predicament Room.

Rachel : Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.
Chandler : Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Rachel : (READING THE PROGRAMME) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler : You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

Chandler : She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica : Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler : Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Chandler : So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Chandler : Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

Rachel : Tah-daaah!
Chandler : Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

Chandler ( to Jill Goodacre ): You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
Jill gives Chandler an odd look and a piece of gum
Chandler ( to himself ): Gum would be perfection?? Gum would be perfection?? Could have said, 'gum would be nice' or 'I'll have a stick.' But, noooo. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself."

Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler : Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

Chandler : Don't we all look nice all dressed up? ( pause ) it's things like that, isn't it?

Chandler : We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel : Oh my god.
Chandler : Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

Chandler ( lifting his glass ): I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here. I know this isn't the Thanksgiving any of you planned. But for me, this has been really great, mostly because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting.

Rachel : Chandler, I've got to tell you, I love your mom's books. I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one. This is so cool.
Chandler : Yeah, well, it's not so cool when you're eleven and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

Chandler : What was that?
Ross : Oh.. uhh. Phoebe just started..
Chandler : I believe I was talking to Joey, all right there, motherkisser!

Chandler ( to Ross ): Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her.

Chandler ( to his mom ): You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect.

Joey ( to Ross ): Yes, now is when you swoop. You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks outta there, the first guy Rachel sees is you. She's gotta know that you're everything he's not. You're, like, the Anti-Paolo.
Chandler : My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught, you're there for her, you pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the Age of Ross.

Chandler : You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies.
Rachel : 'Nice?' They were 'nice'? I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'.
Chandler : Okay. Rock . . hard place . . me..

Ross : Since you saw her boobies, I think you're going to have to show her your pee-pee. Chandler : You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel : Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler : Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Joey : How do I look?
Chandler ( taking an intent look ): Oh, uh....I don't care.

Chandler : I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.'

Chandler : I know that when the right girl comes along you'll have the strength and courage to say, "No thanks, I'm married."

Joey : Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma, like she wanted. My ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know, even though she does. And my little sister Tina can't see her husband anymore 'cause he got a restraining order -- which has nothing to do with anything, except that I found out today.
Rachel : Wow.
Chandler : Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.

Chandler : I just don't have a that much chefing experience...unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Monica : So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
Chandler : Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Monica : [brings a plate of tiny appetizers over] Hey, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Chandler : Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
Monica : It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.
Chandler : [tastes it] Well.... it is amouz-ing...

Chandler ( to Joey ): You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore.

Chandler ( to Joey ): If you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit!

Monica : Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
Chandler : Well if you're gonna to work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.

Phoebe : Hey, you know what? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler : Hey -- that's 'joincidence' with a 'C!'

Chandler : Hey Rach, we've gotta settle.
Rachel : Settle what?
Chandler : The ..ah.. Jamestown colony in Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land and ...

Phoebe ( after losing at poker ): I want you to know that this money is cursed. Uh huh, I cursed it. So now, bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Chandler : I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way, I can break them up with a movie.

Ross : I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her.
Chandler : Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Joey : You're a monkey. you're loose in the city. Where would you go?
Chandler : Well, it's his first time out, so he's probably going to want to do the touristy things. You go to Cats, we'll go to the Russian Tea Room.

Joey : I loved high school. You know, it was just, like, four years of parties and dating and sex...
Chandler : Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.

Phoebe : Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
Chandler : Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
( He calls her then hurriedly hangs up )
Chandler ( on phone ): I got her machine.
Joey : Her answering machine?
Chandler : No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up.

Chandler : Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...
Ross : ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler : Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

Ross : I canīt believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler : Iīm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was somebody elseīs subconscious.

Chandler : See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes.
Joey and Ross (looking confused)
Chandler : Me!

Ross [ imitating Chandler]: The hills are alive with the sound...OF music!
Joey : My scone!
Ross, Joey, and Phoebe : MY scone!
Chandler : Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so NOT true...that is SO not... that is so NOT...that is so...oh, shut up!

Joey : How young is Young Ethan?
Monica : He's our age.
Chandler : When we were....?

Chandler : And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica : You know, sometimes it just doesn't work out.
Chandler : And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?

Joey : I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Chandler : Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

Monica : I want a baby.
Chandler : Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Rachel [looking at baby]: I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.
Chandler : I know. I still am one of these.

Joey : I may only have a couple drinks in me, but I love you man!
Chandler : I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Joey : You know how you always think you're really good in bed?
Chandler : The fact that you'd even ask that shows how little you know me.
Joey : Well, last night, I couldn't do all the stuff that normally makes me great, and I had to do all this other stuff. And the reaction I got, man, it was like a ticker-tape parade!
Chandler : Yes, I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route.

Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler : Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

Ross : Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler : Let's see...Alvin...Simon...Theodore...no.

Ross : I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I going to raise a kid?
Chandler : You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different.

Monica : Hey, where's Joey?
Chandler : Joey ate my last stick of gum so I killed him, do you think that was wrong?

Ross : I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler : Well stay out of my freezer.

Joey : Hey Chand, can you help me out here, I promise I'll pay you back.
Chandler : Oh yeah right, including the waffles last week, you now owe me... seventeen jillion dollars.

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