CatHeights@yahoo.com

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May my C/P muse forgive me, LOL.

Jenn, thanks for inviting me to play in the sandbox. Hope this doesn’t get me sent out of the playground with my bucket and shovel sadly being dragged behind me <g>.

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Of all the inefficient uses this crew finds for wasting time, gossip appears to be the favorite. The Doctor excels at the activity, and at first, I found his proclivity for gossip to be rather annoying. However, I have since modified my opinion on the matter. While for the most part, I choose not to actively engage in the activity, I have found that the unproductive chatter can provide one with beneficial insights.

Most of the rumors that are passed around this ship contain only the barest amount of truth. It is not the best source to find fact, but it is a good indicator of the crew’s mood. I have been very successful at projecting which crewmembers will prove inefficient in a given week just by listening carefully to the current rumors. Knowing the topics the crew find interesting also helps me to determine the matters they deem important--something on which I rarely agree.

There are times when I find the gossip relevant, like at the present moment. Everywhere I go, I hear the crew talking about Lieutenants Torres and Paris’ "spur of the moment" marriage. I have yet to hear anyone voice the opinion that they believe the marriage will be a successful one. The popular opinion seems to be that Lieutenant Torres gave him an ultimatum, and he capitulated.

The crew is wrong on both accounts. First Lieutenant Paris, or Tom as he has told me to call him, is unlikely to let anyone force him into a commitment. More importantly, though, the crew has underestimated Lieutenant Torres numerous times when it comes to Tom Paris. He was hers from the moment she decided she really wanted him. I should know; I’ve been studying this matter for quite a while.

Ever since Lieutenant Torres caught me taking notes some time ago, I have been more circumspect with my observation. I make and encrypt these notes only when I’m alone in my alcove. It wasn’t Lieutenant Torres, though, who got the point across to me that my study was very unwelcome; it was Tom. He’s always been very good at teaching me lessons. He makes his point without words. Lectures are the forte of the Captain and the Doctor. Tom’s way leaves the burden of interpretation on you, but I find it is much more effective, harder to ignore.

That day in the mess hall, I could tell that Tom had been annoyed to find out that I had been following and observing him and Lieutenant Torres, but I had not realized that he was truly angry with me until later. I was surprised at how it hurt to find out that Tom and the Doctor had placed a bet on whether or not I would show up to the reception for the Kadi ambassador with a date. I knew the Doctor had simply made a mistake in his eagerness to see his "pupil" succeed, but that Tom would bet on my failure was a painful shock.

Had he been keeping tabs on my lack of progress, hoping to benefit? I found that it hurt to be discussed behind one’s back, which started me thinking. Was that not why Lieutenant Torres had become so upset with me? I swore Tom had looked at me pointedly when he said to the Doctor, "you win." His words letting me know that by coming as the Doctor’s date, I had won him the bet. At that time, I had to wonder if Tom was trying to prove a point. Had my behavior hurt him? I doubted it. Tom was used to being the subject of gossip. It rarely bothered him. So that meant he was angry on Lieutenant Torres’ behalf.

It had shocked me that Tom, who had so readily offered me his friendship during my early years on Voyager and who had never taken offense at any of my questions, would do something intentionally to cause me emotional damage. You see in one way, we are very much alike. We give off an appearance of being in control and unbothered by things, but there is one thing that bothers us both--being alone. Yet we would rather be alone than to appear weak. Tom knew that finding out that one of those few who I had befriended, allowed to make me feel less alone amongst this crew, had been critical of my attempts to integrate further with this collective would truly wound me.

He got across his point that scrutinizing other’s lives is a pastime that can cause harm, but I would have expected him to teach me this lesson in a much gentler manner. Tom is rarely cruel, but he can be on the behalf of others. Up until that point, I had not thought much about Lt. Torres, at least not outside of her connection to Tom. Although, I had told the truth when I said I was studying mating behaviors, it was not the whole truth. I had been studying mating behaviors only where Tom Paris was concerned. I admit, that ever since the first time Tom and I had sex, the number of crewmembers who seem enthralled by him has intrigued me.

That first night we spent together in his quarters, he taught me a much kinder, although no less indelible, lesson. I possess the Collective’s knowledge of hundreds of species’ mating rituals, but that knowledge did not prepare me for the way my body responded to the lightest of his touches. Those touches combined with his lips sampling the taste of my skin were a bit overwhelming, but at no point did I wish to discontinue the activity.

While sleeping with Tom was extremely pleasurable, I found that it gave me an even greater benefit. For a few moments, I no longer felt so alone. Those first few weeks when I was adapting to my severed connection with the Borg were difficult. Not being able to hear the others was frightening, isolating. Somehow, though, when I felt my skin press against Tom’s, I felt comforted, connected. It was nothing like when I was Borg. I could not read Tom’s thoughts, but while I was in his arms, that did not matter. It was like I was part of a small, more intimate collective. The first lesson that Tom taught me was that sex could be used as a way to temporarily release one’s self from the loneliness of individual existence.

My recent visits to Unimatrix Zero have reawakened previous memories of time I spent there with Axum. My mind and my body recall Axum as someone many would describe as a considerate and passionate lover, and yet those memories in no way compare to what it was like to sleep with Tom. Those few times I slept with him were exceptional. It is possible that had I slept with Axum in reality rather than in a construct created by our linked minds, I would recall him as a better lover than Tom. It is unlikely, though. Tom is simply a unique lover, which is why so many of the crew have become obsessed with him.

Watching how Tom’s various lovers appeared to be addicted to him, I realized that sex also has its dangers. Yes, it could relieve loneliness, but if one party wanted more than just a sexual relationship, the chances of feeling a stronger degree of loneliness afterward were greatly increased. I did not wish to develop a misguided attachment to Tom, and so after our third sexual encounter, I ceased to visit him to engage in the activity. He made no complaint, and never changed in his manner toward me. I think he understood that I had decided I had learned enough for the moment.

Others were not so cautious as I. Their judgment discarded, they behaved in unflattering ways. Even the Captain was guilty of this behavior. The constant touching on the bridge, her hand placed for longer than necessary on his shoulder, I noticed all of this. She behaved as if she was trying to send a message to the crew that Tom was hers. He wasn’t, and her attempt only made her look ridiculous.

Not everyone is as obvious as the Captain. It took me a while to realize that Ensign Kim wished he were more than Tom’s best friend. He never behaved in untoward manner, nor did he appear awkward around Tom. What gave him away was what always gives Ensign Kim away--his expression. When Tom wasn’t looking in his direction, he would have this appearance of agonized longing.

I wondered just how long Harry Kim had been prey to his obsession with Tom. My desire to find out the answer led me to make my first effort in gossiping. I found that there was substantial evidence that Tom and Harry had slept together when they had been thrown into an alien prison. Poor, foolish, romantic Harry. Obviously, instead of seeing the encounter as a means of comfort during a period of confinement, Harry had seen it as sharing a part of himself with his best friend. A mistake, from which has yet to recover.

Once I understood that Harry, like many others, was infatuated with Tom, I was extremely glad that I had rebuffed his initial pursuit of me. I never wish to be simply a distraction, and that is what I would have been, even if Harry would have denied it. Harry’s misplaced affection for Tom is regrettable, as I will admit to having more than feelings of friendship for the ensign. I have found that I care what happens to him and what he thinks of me.

I remember when he got involved with a member of a xenophobic species Voyager was trying to assist. Tal was the women’s name, a rebel among her species. I was infuriated by his stupidity. He copulated with her at risk to his own health, and then did not wish to go to sickbay even when it was obvious something had happened to him. He demanded that I leave when I finally dragged him to see the Doctor, as if I could not figure out what had occurred. Prior to my seeing his reaction to his "adventure," I had told him love was very similar to a disease. I was speaking of his love for Tom at that time, but it ended up being true of his relationship with Tal also.

Days later, I had searched out Harry and found him after hours in the mess hall still suffering from his severed connection with Tal. I regretted at that time having told him I thought love was a disease, for I do not believe that is true, at least when that love is directed at the right person. Love, like that I see between Lieutenant Torres and Tom, while difficult at times, can be strengthening. I believe it can make both people stronger, as they are no longer just individuals. However, the type of love Harry maintains is closer to a disease, triggering an emotional response that impairs one’s functioning.

If it had not been for the biochemical bond that formed as a result of their coupling, I do not believe Harry and Tal’s attachment would have been as strong. There was no effort involved in developing the relationship, and my observations show that love takes work, planning. Anything worthwhile must be earned. While I doubted that his attachment could ever have led to a lasting love, I did not doubt that his pain was real. I was also sure that the loss of Tal was not the only thing causing him emotional damage. Knowing Harry, the events with Tal were also making him reflect on his hopeless attraction to Tom.

It’s almost as if Harry seeks to be miserable. I have noticed that he also appears to have feelings for Lieutenant Torres. I have seen how his eyes follow her when she wears that red dress and heels that Tom seems to like so much. I can see the desire in Harry’s eyes, which quickly dims into a wistful expression. Harry doesn’t know how to win.

That red dress of Lieutenant Torres seems to evoke varied responses from the crew, all the way from Harry’s wistfulness, to Tom’s lust, and the Captain’s obvious disgust. I find it odd how humans attach so much significance to things I would consider accessories to one’s intellect. I do not understand this attachment most humans have to objects or parts of the body. After all, it is the mind that matters. Still this preference is one I’ve noted repeatedly.

Each time Tom slept with me, he would let down my hair, running his hands through it, before he let it drape down my shoulders. He seemed fascinated by it. When the Doctor helped me prepare for my first date, he too released my hair. It would seem that my accessory that holds human interest is my hair. I know that knowledge will prove useful.

Just before starting this entry, I had entered the mess hall to see Tom and B’Elanna holding hands across a table. The light glinted off the rings on their fingers, accessories symbolizing their commitment to each other. I felt a feeling of satisfaction come over me as I watched them. Was it because of their happiness? In a way. Tom is a friend, and I am pleased that he has found happiness. I have come to respect Lieutenant Torres, and I have learned much from studying how she won Tom. Still, that is not why their joining fills me with pleasure. I’m happy that they are married, because it means that one person in particular has lost.

My eyes searched the room, and just as I expected, I saw Commander Chakotay gazing at the two newlyweds. I doubt the Commander even noticed me watching him; so intent was he at looking at what he had lost. I find very few things that make me want to smile. It is such an awkward expression. Gazing at the Commander though, I felt my lips curving. I could see the hunger in his eyes, and it delighted me.

From the day I stepped foot on this ship, the Commander has found fault with everything I do. His arrogance has tested my patience on many an occasion. He’s always superior, always right, at least in his own mind. I cannot help relishing his failure, after having been the recipient of his disapproving lectures on far too many occasions. In his eyes, I am still Borg. Still a threat, and also something repulsive.

What’s ironic, Commander, is that I was in the position to possibly have prevented Tom and Lieutenant Torres’ marriage. I had heard from Neelix that Lieutenant Torres was thinking of breaking things off with Tom. Neelix told me that while Lieutenant Torres claimed to still love Tom, she thought that they were just too different. It seemed that even one as intelligent as she can sometimes fall victim to doubts. It would have been a shame to see all her hard work fall apart, and an even greater shame if you had managed to somehow find your way back into Tom’s bed. Not that I think Tom would have ever come to love you, but I know you would have been pleased just to simply sleep with him again.

Knowing that Lieutenant Torres’ failure could mean your success, I gave her a nudge, as Tom would say. She asked me why I was putting so much time into a race that Tom had entered and which the whole crew seemed to find exciting. I told her that I had found supporting some of Tom’s interests improved my working relationship with him. She’s intelligent, and she quickly caught on. I was responsible for the Lieutenant deciding to fly with Tom. If she hadn’t gotten involved with the race, I don’t believe they would have talked, and he wouldn’t have proposed. Someday, I might share that bit of information with you Commander. It will prove to you that I do have a sense of humor after all.

When I walked by the Commander, the smile was still on my face, and I saw his eyes widen. I’m not sure if his reaction was because of my smile or because I did not have my hair fastened. I could feel it flowing against my neck, and I saw the Commander’s eyes widen in arousal. It was good to know I was utilizing the appropriate accessories. However, it was an accessory the Commander would never get to touch, along with the rest of my body.

Commander Chakotay was easily dismissed from my mind as I caught sight of the individual I had come to the mess hall to find. I had expected Harry to be sitting with Lieutenant Torres and Tom, but was pleased to find him at a table alone. It would make the first stage of my plan much easier. You see, I have decided that I no longer wish to be alone. My study of Lieutenant Torres and her relationship with Tom has provided me with all the knowledge I need to make sure I succeed in my desire to find a mate.

As I took the seat across from Harry, a look of surprise crossed his face, followed by one of fascination. I knew as his eyes followed my hair draping down my shoulders that he was seeing no one else in the room. For the moment that was enough. Soon, though, I will make sure that his eyes always look to me when I enter a room. He can no longer hold any illusions that he will win Tom or Lieutenant Torres, and he will see that neither is anything in comparison to me.

I have set aside a designated amount of time for my pursuit of Harry Kim. I will not fall prey to a one-sided affection. I will not be a loser like Commander Chakotay. No, I will win, and I am confident that it will be within the timeline I have set. Besides, I have experience in overcoming resistance.

The End