Real Programmers Don't...
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They
like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't write applications
programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Applications
programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users
should be grateful for whatever they get: they are lucky to get
any programs at all.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and
harder to modify.
- Real Programmers don't document. Documentation
is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code
from the dump.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts.
Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen
drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance
on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't write in RPG.
RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient
payroll programs.
- Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.
COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented
Laymen who can't run a business, much less write
a real program.
- Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
simulation.
- Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1
is for insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL
and FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.
Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching
puberty.
- Real Programmers don't write in APL,
unless the whole program can be written on one line.
- Real Programmers don't write in LISP.
Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
- Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL,
BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy computer
science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with
weak minds.
- Real Programmers' programs never
work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine
they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to
5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am, its because
they were up all night.
- Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any
other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing
is acceptable. Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in
case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the
machine room.
- Real Programmers disdain structured programming.
Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently
toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp
pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
- Real Programmers don't like the team programming
concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
- Real Programmers never write memos
on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel
bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.
The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable
to "think big."
- Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out
Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with
floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
- Real Programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers
ignore schedules.