David Kronke
TV Critic

Go figure: While characters in "Dark Angel" are supposed to be genetically enhanced, it’s the actors in "Titans" who actually look that way. "Titans," which could easily be titled "Young Aryans in Love," comes under Aaron Spelling’s imprimatur, so it’s a naturally glitzy, brain-dead soap.
     Spelling, however, has given the reins to one Charles Pratt Jr., who created the show and wrote tonight’s episode, and it’s clear from his scripting that Mr. Pratt either: A. Has nothing but contempt for the entire human race, or B. Has never actually met a human being.
     "Titans" focuses on the Williams family dynasty: Adopted son/glory boy Chandler (Casper Van Diem), home from the Navy, discovers his aviation industrialist pop (Perry King) is engaged to Heather (Yasmine Bleeth), the conniving floozy with whom he recently shared a torrid week in the sack in Maui. His brother Peter (John Barrowman) is a callow, boozing dope; sister Jenny (Elizabeth Bogush) is an emotional train wreck (she falls off the abstinence wagon in the very first episode) and Laurie (Josie Davis) is embittered, apparently, about having to live in such a lavish, pampered manner. Mom (Victoria Principal) is a good egg who runs a hip nightery. Samantha (Lourdes Benedicto, whose real name fits on this show more than her character’s name) is the maid’s daughter, all grown up and sophisticated-like.
     The cast works in that clipped manner of actors "acting" in lieu of actually embodying their characters (which, of course, is inherently impossible). NBC passes this off as a "guilty pleasure" (a phrase it will likely soon regret), and its genuine idiocy does amuse, but the show’s camp value wears thin halfway through tonight’s episode.
     But nothing explains the show better than the dialogue, so here goes:
     Jenny to Chandler: "As usual, you smell like jet fuel and Old Spice."
     Mom to Pop: "It’s become very complicated, our little dream—from struggling aviation company to global conglomerate."
     Pop: "Look at us, we’re the most civilized divorced couple on Earth."
     Mom: "It didn’t start out that way."
     Peter to Samantha: "Ah, that’s it, you’re still pining for Chandler; (desultory chuckle) that’s absurd."
     Peter to Heather: "You manipulated (his father)—brilliantly, I might add—and you’re going to try to manipulate him. But I’m here to see that doesn’t happen. And I won’t let that happen. I will fight you, Heather, with every weapon at my disposal. (Suddenly noticing she’s been removing her clothing) What are you doing?"
     Chandler to Heather: "Two months ago in Hawaii, we were lovers, or have you forgotten?" Heather to Chandler: "Congratulations to you, too, Chandler: I’m pregnant—and it’s your child!"
     Congratulations to you, too, Mr. Pratt—"Titans" is stillborn.

What: Prime-time soap about stupid rich white people
The stars: Casper Van Dien, Yasmine Bleeth, Victoria Principal, Perry King, Josie Davis, John Barrowman, Elizabeth Bogush, Lourdes Benedicto
Where: NBC (Channel 4)
When: 8 p.m. Wednesdays
Our rating: *½