What a letdown. After last week's laugh-riot episode, it seems like the Melrose-midseason-malaise has already afflicted TITan's. For this crap, I tuned away from Angel Heaven 24/7, TV Land's marathon of Aaron Spelling's "Charlie's Angels."

You know what? Spelling's show's back in the 70's were as poorly written and acted back then as they are now. But as a pubescent teen with hormones a-surgin', I never noticed.

We pick up from the last episode with the happy couple, Richard and Heather, not Chandler and Heather, at the altar ready to say their "I dos." They got to the "does anybody object" part but Chandler said nothing. Her pregnant with his child was not a good enough reason.

After the ceremony, Peter asked to be the first to kiss the bride. Denied! She said since Chandler walked her down the aisle, he gets to be first. That's not the only "first" for the Chan Chan Man.

Though she insisted she was feeling all right after the ceremony, Gwen was obviously agitated that her ex traded her in for a low-mileage model. Too bad she didn't know her son had already taken her for a test drive.

So Gwen left the reception and happened upon her former brother-in-law, Jack, arriving. Jack was played by Jack Wagner, who I might say was looking pretty good - in the sense that he looked a lot younger than he did back on The Place. And did you notice he got the Heather Locklear treatment in the opening credits? He was billed as "Special Guest Star."

Back at the reception, Jennie informed Peter that Richard's wedding gift to Heather was dotcom called Dress2K worth $100 million. That may sound like an extravagent gift, but when you consider Amazon.com is worth almost $9 billion and Yahoo.com is worth nearly $32 billion, Dress2K is small potatoes. What a cheap screw.

Jack raised a valid point when he asked Gwen why she still lived across the street from Richard. She said it was because of the children. Um, Jenie and Laurie already live with her. And they're adults and should know how to drive (though you wouldn't know it the way Laurie drove into Billy's car last week) to visit dad. Plus they can see each other at the board meetings they seem to call every other day.

So after the traditional first dance by bride and groom. The father of the bride was next. Chandler, being the surrogate, was the one. Which led to the line of the week. Richard said, "Come on son, it's your turn." Daddio, he's had his turn.

So while they danced, they talked about what happened in Hawaii. He was probably asking himself, "Why didn't I use a condom? Why didn't I use a condom? Why didn't I use a condom? Why didn't I..." I was asking that myself. He had just met her and didn't know a thing about her and had unprotected sex. She could have been a skanky, crack ho for all he knew. Wasn't he concerned about AIDS or any other myriad of STDs? Well, to answer my own question, if I met someone that looked like Heather, I wouldn't care either.

Heather told Chandler she would keep the baby. She would explain to Richard that she got pregnant on the honeymoon. But how's she going to explain a full-sized baby supposedly born two months premature?

Peter cut in on their dance. He raised a valid point when he asked her whether she knew how to run Dress2K. Just what are her qualifications? All we know about her so far is that she's from back East and her parents were killed in a car accident.

After the party was over, Jack escorted Gwen and the girls home. After Jennie and Laurie adjourned to their rooms. Jack and Gwen reminisced. Seemed she really missed him after he went off to Europe to run the European Division. And as he left Gwen's house, he turned and stared longingly at the house. Does he have feelings for Gwen? Is the Pope Catholic?

Back at the compound, an inebriated Peter confronted Richard about giving Dress2K to Heather. Richard commented that he was drunk again. Peter countered that though he was drunk, he was still incredibly lucid. Right now, I can say the same. But I'm going to have another beer so who knows how I'll be by the time I finish writing.

Well, Richard didn't give a shit what Peter thought. He ordered Peter to sign the papers to complete the deal while he was off on his honeymoon. So it turned out that it was actually Williams Global Enterprises that was giving Dress2K to Heather. So that makes Richard cheaper than we previously thought.

The next morning while eating breakfast by the pool, Richard told Heather where they'd be going on their honeymoon. The "Surprise Honeymoon," I'm sure this will catch on.

The locale would be Hawaii. Maui to be exact. The place where she and Chandler bumped ugly two months earlier. She did not look all too happy.

Cut to the beach where Laurie was waxing her surfboard. Along strolls an Aussie, David, who tells her he just moved to the Southland to manage the After Dark. I mean the the Jazz Club. No, I mean Pulse, the place where characters with absolutely no reason to ever meet can meet.

Anyway, Laurie played ignorant. So he continued and bad-mouthed the owners, not knowing she was one of them. When he asked for her name and number, he looked dumbfounded after he found out who she was.

And who could blame him? 9.3 million people in the LA area and the person he disses his employers to is his employer. What are the chances of that? Pretty good if you're in a Spelling drama.

Samantha entered Richard's office to find Peter sizing up dad's chair. He pointed out to her that dad has never promoted her despite her Ivy League degree. That she was mired in lower management. She's Richard's personal assistant. That's not management. She's a secretary.

Peter hinted at promoting her to VP. She asked at what price. As she alleged sexual harassment, Chandler interrupted clad in his Don Johnson "Miami Vice" outfit, suit with a T-shirt. I bet he wasn't wearing any socks.

Peter had called an emergency board meeting. Again, everyone on the board were family members. Peter wanted the Dress2K deal nixed. Jack said it could be done with a unamimous board approval. Chandler was the dissenting vote.

Peter may be a peckerhead, but he was right in questioning the decision to give Dress2K to Heather. And why was Chandler defending dad's decision? If you think about it, she is a skank ho. She has a mysterious past. She had unprotected sex with someone she just met. She's pregnant with her husband's son's child. Okay, so he was adopted. She's still a skank.

Chandler's only argument was that it was against daddy's wishes. Well, daddy's decisions were clouded by love. I can tell you I've made some really questionable moves because I thought I was in love. No, I can't tell you. I'm keeping them to myself.

In Hawaii, Heather couldn't keep Chandler out of her mind. She stared out onto the beach and flashbacked to her and Chandler frolicking on the beach in slow motion. It was reminiscent of Yasmine's "Baywatch" days. All that was needed was the red swimsuit and that phallic, torpedo-looking flotation device she carried.

At the After Dark... I mean, the Jazz Club... I mean Pulse, Jennie introduced the musical group SR-71. The SR-71 is a reconnassaince aircraft which flies higher and faster than any other aircraft. In 1990, one flew across the U.S. at 2,124 mph. Now that's fast! What's this got to do with anything? Oh, nothing. Just wanted to impress you with my knowledge of military aircraft.

But then again, here's a bit of a connection - they should have hired a group called F-14. That's the fighter that Chandler flew. Reputedly the finest fighter ever built. Capable of engaging six, count 'em, six, enemy MIGs simultaneously. Makes you wonder why Iceman freaked when he went up against only five MIGs in "Top Gun."

Anyway, maintaining the Spelling tradition, the group pretty much sucked. Remember Sean Lennon performing on The Place? He sounded like a squirrel after sucking helium.

Jack was trying to find Laurie and Jennie to introduce them to that Aussie from the beach, David. Only Jennie was around but David said he had already met Laurie and didn't make such a good first impression. Jennie and David seemed mutually impressed with each other though. Bet you they get naked together soon.

To try to get Gwen to sway Chandler's vote, Peter donated $50,000 to a charity that Gwen supports in her name. Of course, the money didn't come out of his pocket. It came from the "foundation." What he heck is the "foundation" and how can they allow Peter to do with $50,000 as he pleases?

Well, the gesture seemed to have struck a nerve with Gwen. She knew peckerhead was right.

Back in Hawaii, Heather and Richard were about to go scuba diving. They were asked to sign a release acknowledging that scuba is dangerous and that they have no pre-existing conditions - pregnancy being one of them. Heather had a little cow and bowed out of diving.

I'm thinking, at his age, Heather should make Richard sign a release acknowledging that sex at his advanced age is more dangerous than scuba diving. And that she'd get everything in case of death by Viagra.

While getting massages (lucky masseuses), Samantha and Gwen concurred that Heather could be a threat to the Williams' dyansty. The only savior was Chandler. And Sam volunteered to be the one to sway Chandler's vote. She's only a secretary, pardon me, executive assistant, but did she have an ulterior motive? Of course she did. She wants to play tonsil hockey with Chandler.

So she showed up at the Aviation Division to do her thing. But she couldn't. Not after Chandler reminded her of the story of how dad let them off the hook for one of their youthful indescretions.

On the beach next morning, David was waiting for Laurie to come out of the surf, her hair completely dry. What a good surfer! He told her he was surprised she didn't fire him for talking smack about her. And that he thought Jennie was pretty fly. She told him he'd better not mess with Jennie's head.

At the next board meeting, Peter was forced to sign the papers because Sam was not able to convince Chandler to drop his dissent.

Gwen went to the airport to see Jack before he was to fly back to Europe. She asked him about their relationship and why he was always running away. She stared longingly at him as the jet took off. Does she have feelings for him? Does a bear shit in the woods?

Back at Chandler's bungalow, Sam showed up to fess up that she tried to get him to change his mind about the Dress2K deal. The tree house incident was brought up and they started to kiss. Before they could go any further, the phone rang.

It was Heather calling from Hawaii. She told him everything there reminded her of him. She asked whether he still thought of her. He said no but I'm sure the Pope and the bear would disagree.

That's it for this week. Check out my site for the spoiler for next week's episode, "Guess Who's Chumming For Dinner." There are also a few articles I was able to turn up. Find them at http://geocities.datacellar.net/tvtitans/.

Lastly, people have been emailing me about the theme song. The title is "Six Underground" and is performed by Sneaker Pimps. It's pretty cool. Someone was kind enough to "share" it with me on Napster.

Now back to Angel Heaven 24/7.