Welcome to the lame duck TITans commentary. As you know, the show was voted off the island by NBC. There will be no recount. Where's Al Gore when you need him?

The show started off with Peter calling Samantha and telling her to absolutely not look at, or even be near, the current issue of Women's Style magazine. With a warning like that, you could be sure that her curiousity was aroused. She sought out said magazine and the cover story was about Heather, "The Woman Who Rescued DRESS2K!"

Samantha was incensed. It was her that saved Dress2K. Fortunately, Heather strolled by so Samantha could vent her anger. Angry words were exchanged. Samantha bitch slapped Heather. Heather bitch slapped Samantha. They grabbed each others hair and rolled around for a while until Peter arrived to break up the fight before they could rip off any garments. The bastard. I'm pretty sure that either of these women would be able to beat the shit out of Peter's scrawny ass.

Heather exited. Peter told Samantha that the cat fight turned him on. He no doubtedly pictured Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise slapping each other, pulling on hair and ripping each others clothes off. So he carried Samantha into the board room and proceeded to do her on the board room table. For effect, he had to throw off some files that were conveniently placed in the exact spot where he wanted to do the deed. There was nothing else on the rest of the table.

The next scene was pure eye candy for the sake of the female viewers - a sweaty, shirtless Chandler was pumping iron. He must have been using real weights because he truly looked like he was expending energy. Casper Van Dien certainly wouldn't be able to act that way.

After a rousing game of mixed doubles, David and Jenny versus Jack and Laurie, Jenny suggested to Jack that David be promoted to Junior VP. It should come as no surprise to Jack since it was Jack that brought him on board and knows his abilities. And it was because of David that she's been drug and alcohol free.

She skipped out of rehab and attended a few AA meetings and now she's clean and sober? Yeah, right. So's Robert Downey, Jr.

Having heard that Samantha called in sick, Heather brought her some chicken soup. Why would she make such a kind gesture? So she could catch her with Peter. Can you say, "contrived?"

Heather commented that office romances were strictly verboten (that's German for "forbidden." Watching reruns of "Hogan's Heroes" on TVLand has finally paid off.). What about her and Richard? And her and Chandler? And Samantha and Chandler? And Jenny and David? And Laurie and David? And Jack and Gwen? And Richard and Gwen? They're gonna have to revise the corporate policy.

Gwen caught Faith rifling through her purse. Gwen surprised Faith as she pulled out a bottle of perfume and spritzed herself. Gwen told her that it was Chanel No. 22. Is there a No. 22? My knowledge of health and beauty aids has been lagging. I know there's a No. 5 and a No. 19. And I've always wondered what happened to 1 through 4 and 6 through 18. Now I'll be losing sleep fretting over what happened to 20 and 21, damn it.

Anyway, Faith tried to sweet talk her way out of getting busted, but Gwen saw through her. She saw her for the conniving, nasty little bitch that she is. Just like Heather. I'm surprised Faith and Heather haven't become best friends yet. They could go to the mall together, talk about boys, try on each others clothes and have naked pillow fights. Stuff all teenage girls do.

So Gwen told Faith she was fired as Ethan's French tutor and told her she doesn't want her hanging with him anymore. After she left, Gwen ordered Ethan to stay away from her, too. That's rich. Forbid the teens from doing something. I'm sure they'll listen.

Gwen wouldn't have to tell me to stay away from Faith. She is SO unpleasant.

In the board room, Heather and Samantha had a meeting with a gentleman who they told they would donate clothes to for a silent auction. I hope maintenance wiped off the table before the meeting.

After the meeting, Heather asked Samantha how Peter managed to get her in the sack. She related the Maureen sob story - fell in love, dad didn't approve, took the money over the girl. I'd have done the same. Money is hard to come by. Girls are easy.

Later that night, Heather found Chandler in the compound's gazebo. I thought they might talk about the dog she ruthlessly ran over last week but they talked about the dog that she should run over, Peter. She said he's probably a rat bastard because of what Maureen did to him. But he said knew nothing about Maureen. That he had a new girlfriend every week - an obvious sign he was in denial over his sexuality.

As they spoke, they heard the music from a neighbor's party. It must have been cranked up really loud. The closest estate has got to be a mile away. The song sounded like Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love," one of my favorites. It was one of Chandler's, too. It brought back memories for the couple and he and Heather danced to it. She hoped that they would be able to show their feelings for each other in public soon and he concurred.

Why does he still have feelings for her? He is so NOT the good judge of character that Peter and Gwen are.

In bed with David, Jenny told him he was the type of guy she envisioned as the one she'd spend the rest of her life with and having children with. She's only known him for a couple of weeks. What she said would send a man running like the wind and screaming like a banshee.

Chandler and Alex barged into Jack's office to complain about budget cuts. Peter was already in there with him and Heather followed the duo in. A very comely secretary interrupted the meeting to inform Peter he had a phone call. It was Maureen. You would think that he would retreat to his office for such a sensitive call. But he stayed in the board room. All the easier for Heather to eavesdrop.

Maureen demanded that Peter meet her later that night. She intimated she was going to squeal to Samantha about her portrayal of his jilted love. She then made him say, "Pleasure talking to you, Maureen." Can you say, "contrived?" This was for the sake of allowing Heather to overhear and upon overhearing, her brow perked up like Mr. Spock's. Fascinating!

Jack and Gwen had just finished dinner. Gwen showed him a picture of the two of them way back when. That's when Jack revealed why he took off to Europe - because he was in love with Gwen and she was engaged to his brother. How tragic. I could almost cry. NOT!

In bed with Samantha, Peter told her of his fantasy of a woman waiting at home for him a martini in bedroom slippers. I think his fantasy would be more in the line of George Clooney with a martini wearing just a fig leaf.

He made his excuses and left for his tete-a-tete with Maureen. When he got to her house, she wasn't there. But Heather was. She tracked her down by flipping through his Rolodex. You would think that he would take better care to hide such a sensitive phone number.

But since he was so careless, Heather paid Maureen $10,000 to learn that Peter paid her $1,000 to pretend to be his lost love. Armed with this newfound knowledge, she demanded the she be reinstated as the sole head of Dress2K.

Jack called an emergency board meeting. Why? They seem to meet everyday already. Chandler was barking at Peter over why the funding for his flying wing project was being delayed. Jack told him not to worry. The money was being allocated as they spoke.

Jack then announced that Heather would be restored as head of Dress2K and Samantha would once again be Number Two. Again, what the hell is a Number Two? Sounds like excrement.

Feeling shitty, Samantha stormed off with Peter following. Peter told her she would go give Jack a piece of his mind. But when he got to Jack's office, he thanked Jack for doing him the favor of repromoting Heather.

So then he goes to Samantha and said he did the best he could but couldn't get Jack to changed his position. So she submitted her resignation to Heather. Which she gladly accepted. Since Samantha was the real brains behind Dress2K, what's Heather going to do once the company starts to falter?

Laurie went to David's apartment to inform him that Jack approved his promotion. He took the opportunity to tell her how he feels trapped in his relationship with Jenny. He doesn't want to hurt her because she's a recovering addict, but he was freaked when she mentioned marriage and children. See, he did want to run away screaming. He then told Laurie he was hopelessly in love with her.

Gwen had taken off to Santa Barbara to mull things over. Most notably Jack's professed love of her. Faith got wind that Gwen was out of town so she planned a wild party. And Ethan assured her that the help had long gone home so there would be nothing to worry about. They seemed to have overlooked cousins Jenny and Laurie.

Ethan remarked how beautiful Faith looked just then. He said he's only been seeing her dressed in the school's plaid-skirt uniform. She said that it was a turn on for older guys. Is she calling me old?

As they started to kiss, Jack knocked on the door. He commented that he hardly recognized her without a plaid skirt. She noted to Ethan that that proved her point. Jack's old. I'm not.

Jack wanted to know why Gwen was skipping the silent auction. Ethan told him she went to the San Ysidro Ranch, a place where Laurie had said Jack and Gwen had spent some time together. Jack uncomfortably admitted to it, but said it was a long time ago.

Jenny unexpectedly arrived at David's apartment. She heard the shower going and thought she would surprise him by joining him. But it was she that was surprised when she saw that he was already joining with her sister.

At the auction, Peter tried to get Samantha to change her mind about quitting. Why? I would want her to stay the hell away from Heather. Heather might blurt out his secret and ruin his relationship. Or is that what he wants? Being that he's really gay.

Chandler asked the band to play "Saving All My Love." He then asked Heather to dance. Heather questioned whether that was a good idea. Their friends, family, business relations and gossip-mongers were all there to see. Big deal. He just asked her to dance. It's not like they had to grind hips.

Jack tracked down Gwen in Santa Barbara. They talked about what could have been, would have been and should have been. As they kissed, the phone rang. It was her private security patrol. They informed her of the wild bash taking place at her house. Instead of telling the security patrol to break up the party, she felt it was a job only she could handle. So this time, it was her turn to leave him.

With the party in full swing, Ethan and Faith retreated to his bedroom. Since sex is the furthest thing on teenagers' minds, they probably engaged in a highly competitive game of Scategories. I think it's so groovy now, that people are finally getting together...

Chandler, Peter and Heather returned to the compound after the auction. Before retiring to her bedroom, Heather gave Peter a peck on the cheek but a full-on, two-lipped kiss to Chandler. This raised Peter's brow. Fascinating!

He then commented on Chandler and Heather's dance. They ground hips after all. So Chandler admitted that he and Heather were officially dating.

When Peter entered his room, he found Samantha in a little nightie awaiting him. Who's he fantasizing about now? That gladiator, Russell Crowe?

Across the street at the rave, a totally stoned Jenny stumbled home. She made her way to the pool, where nary a partying teenager was to be found. She tripped, hit her head and ended up floating face down in the pool.

Been there, done that. The same thing happened to Brooke over at The Place.