Happy New Year! My sole resolution this year was to finish writing these comments. Promise fulfilled. Okay, so I set the bar low...

The series finale started off with Laurie arriving home with David to find the house invaded by a bunch of teenagers. A long-haired skateboard dude told them Faith had e-vited everyone. Faith was upstairs with Ethan in his bedroom where they took a make-out break from their heated Scategories competition. Their necking was interrupted by a scream.

Somebody had discovered Jenny in the pool doing her Nerine Shatner impersonation. David dove in and pulled her out. As he gave her mouth-to-mouth, Gwen and Jack arrived. To make the 90 mile trip from Santa Barbara to Beverly Hills once they were notified about the party, Gwen and Jack would've had to have traveled at warp speed.

Across the street at the compound, Peter was fondling Samantha in his room. All the while imagining she was Leonardo DiCaprio, no doubt. In mid-grope, Heather barged in. Doesn't Peter believe in locking doors? Anyway, Heather gave them the news of Jenny's accident.

The ambulance rushed Jenny to the hospital. I'm assuming it was to the Richard Williams Cardiac Wing of the Beverly Hospital because cardiac means overdosing-then-hitting-your-head-as-you-fall-into-a-pool.

In the waiting room, Laurie expressed her worries to David that maybe Jenny saw them in the shower. That maybe that's what pushed her over the edge. Well, it wouldn't have happened if David asked for his keys back when Jenny moved out. Or, he could have just locked the bathroom door.

David was allowed to go in to see her. She seemed quite lucid for someone who just overdosed and hit her head as she fell into a pool. She explained she was walking toward the proverbial light when she made the decision to live. David was the reason she wanted to live.

David should have left her in the pool and let her continue her stroll. That way he could be with the sister he truly loves.

The next morning, the two happy couples - Chandler and Heather, and Peter and Leonardo, I mean Samantha - had breakfast together. Peter read Chandler a headline from the business section, "Olympic Aerospace has also entered the race with Williams Aviation to build the world's first flying wing." They'd both lose that race. The first flying wing, built by Jack Northrop, flew in 1929.

It was also learned that Samantha was once again excrement. She was now Peter's Number Two, overseeing the budgets for all the divisions.

Across the street, Gwen scolded Ethan for throwing the party. She revoked his phone and television privileges. She made no mention of the Internet so I guess he could still download porn. She also grounded him until he proved he could act responsibly. Could she BE any more vague? That could be anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 years. In my case, it would be forever.

Of course, she said Faith was off limits. He didn't listen to her the first time, what makes her think he will this time?

Gwen's parting shot was, "Thank God Jenny's alive." I think Gwen should be thanking Ethan. If there were no party, Ethan would have been alone in the house, up in his room downloading porn. No one would have been there to scream when Jenny fell in the pool.

Downstairs, Laurie told David it was not a good time to tell Jenny about their relationship. David suggested waiting until Jenny was stronger. Laurie replied that they'd be in rocking chairs by then. Should have let her die.

Turned out Jenny wasn't taken to the Richard Williams Cardiac Wing. She was taken to Cedars-Sinai. The Beverly Hospital must be fuming over how much money they could have made from overbilling her medical insurance carrier.

Anyway, Laurie went to visit her and asked what happened. Jenny said she was at the bar, surrounded by booze, and fell off the wagon. Then she said it didn't feel like falling off the wagon, more like stepping into a warm shower. Huh?! I don't get it. But I'm thinking it was Jenny's way of making Laurie feel guilty. A less subtle way was when Jenny said she could have ended up buried next to dad.

The guilt trip worked. Laurie spent the whole time wiping imaginary sweat from her brow. The two hugged before Laurie made her exit. Jenny then looked very happy with herself.

Later that night at the compound, Samantha lamented to Peter that she couldn't find any discrepencies with Dress2K's books. What was she expecting to find? She had been the Number 2 and actually running the company until she quit a few days ago. She would have been responsible for whatever she turned up.

She then tells Peter that her pent up aggression has made her horny. As she left, she told him to wait a minute before he heads upstairs. Why didn't she just grab him by the tie and drag him upstairs? Or even do him right there in the den?

Oh, it's because that minute gave him a chance to talk to Heather. Heather was hiding in the curtains the whole time. She threatened to expose the Maureen scam if he didn't stop Samantha's quest for blood. So does this mean that Heather has something to hide? If she didn't, she should just let Samantha spin her wheels.

The next morning, Samantha snuck into Heather's office and planted what looked like a Sony MZ-R90 Minidisc Recorder. It was on my Christmas list along with peace on Earth and goodwill to all men. Unfortunately for me, these items are still on my list. Unfortunately for Samantha, the MZ-R90 is not voice-activated so there was a good chance that she'd record 74 minutes and 59 seconds, the capacity of a minidisc, of nothing.

Meanwhile at Williams Aviation, Scott told Heather they might as well scrap the flying wing project because they don't have the necessary funding. They needed $4.6 million to buy the SC-1 super computer. They couldn't run flight simulations without it. What have they been using to run flight simulations? Did they just build a model and throw it off the roof?

Gwen and Jack welcomed Jenny after Laurie and David escorted her home. Gwen and Laurie left with Jenny to help her get settled in. What did they do? She wasn't carrying any luggage. But it gave Jack the opportunity to talk to David alone.

He warned him to stay away from Laurie. Both he and Laurie are strong and will get over each other. But Jenny's a head case and would most likely snap at the news of their coupling. Jack also said he knows things about David's troubled past that the rest of the family doesn't. How bad could his past be? Jack wouldn't have recommended him to manage Pulse if he were some sort of cannibalistic, cross-dressing, serial rapist/killer, would he?

Somehow Heather knew that if she went to visit Tom, the lawyer that manages the Richard Williams Foundation funds, she would be able to acquire the money for the SC-1. She went under the pretense of donating more money to last week's charity auction. The auction only raised $193,000 so she added an additional $7,000 to make it an even $200,000. She said odd numbers irritate her.

She then asked him how much money was in the Foundation. Tom said it would be inappropriate for him to divulge that information. I would think that the funds of a charity would be public information. But Tom relented and revealed that the fund totalled nearly $11 million. Hey, that's more than enough to buy the SC-1!

Tom had to leave for a meeting but allowed Heather to stay to make some calls. Doesn't she have a cell phone? A Beverly Hills bitch without a cell phone is like corn flakes without the milk. Left alone, she turned on Tom's computer and easily gained control of the Foundation's unpassword-protected funds.

At Pulse, Peter and Samantha were dancing to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. It was the first time in weeks that they featured a musical act. If they had no budget for musical acts, they should have had Jack Wagner do double duty and play himself. He could have sung all his hits. That would be "All I Need," and "All I Need," and "All I Need," and what was that other song? Oh, that would be "All I Need."

After their dance, Peter sent Samantha off to fetch him a martini. Who said women are good for nothing? Heather took the opportunity to tell him she learned of Samantha's intrusion into her office. He said she was just delivering mail. She claimed she was snooping. So as punishment, Heather told Peter that Samantha was no longer welcome in her home.

How much longer is Peter going to let Heather hold the Maureen sword over his head? I would let her tell Samantha. Samantha would either be impressed over the lengths that he went through to win her over and love him forever. Or dump him. On the bright side, if he's dumped, he no longer would have to hide his Playgirl collection from her.

Chandler showed up and after swapping spit with Heather, she told him she got his $4.6 million. She said she transferred it from Dress2K. He asked how he could thank her. Shouldn't he be thanking Samantha? Afterall, it's Samantha who oversees the budgets for all of the divisions. Heather said he could thank her with a kiss. So they swapped more spit.

Over at Gwen's mansion, Jenny was screaming and thrashing about in her bed. Laurie rushed in to see what was the problem. Jenny related her nightmare. She was on a bridge when David showed up and dumped her. He was in love with someone else. So she jumped and died.

That's preposterous. Everyone knows you always wake up before you hit the ground. If you dream you die from a fall, you really die.

Of course, this was all part of the guilt trip that Jenny has been laying on Laurie. Luckily, Laurie's a light sleeper. Me, I never would have heard her. I slept through 1994 Northridge earthquake.

Peter and Samantha had just finished doing the nasty at her place in Mar Vista, a supposedly seedy part of town which is a lot better than the neighborhood I live in. He discovered a Heather Williams dartboard she made out the Women's Style magazine cover. He expressed his concern over her obsession with her vendetta with Heather. Samantha said she would not be content until Heather was back on a bus with a one-way ticket to Hooterville.

Hooterville? I don't remember Heather being on "Petticoat Junction." And do you think that the Shady Rest Hotel is part of the Williams Global empire?

Tom walked into Heather's office to tell her he discovered that she stole $4.6 million from the Foundation. I thought she hated odd numbers. She should have stolen an even $5 million.

She said she merely borrowed the money. She would return it once the flying wing takes off. Get it? The plane takes off? He said he had a fiduciary responsibility to report the embezzlement of funds. But Heather hopped on the desk and crossed her legs a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" and he was putty in her hands. Or should I say thighs. A flash of panties and he throws his ethics right out the window. Typical sleazy lawyer.

Oh, the MZ-R90 recorded every bit of the conversation. Samantha must have snuck into Heather's office every 74 minutes and 59 seconds to replace the disc to ensure that she caught every bit of every conversation.

Clad in his Old Navy Item of the Week, Ethan was raking leaves. Faith happened by and scattered his nice little pile. He was miffed. He told her that Gwen had given him a shitload of chores as part of his punishment. She asked whether their kiss made it worth his woes. He said maybe. She then said she stole $100 from her stepdad and suggested they get a motel to "be together."

Ethan was taken aback. Faith said it was no big deal. She'd done it before. Hesitatingly, Ethan said it wouldn't be his first time either. Liar, liar, pants on fire. But with a chance to get some, Ethan agreed to meet her.

Another 74 minutes and 59 seconds had passed so Samantha snuck back into Heather's office to insert a new disc. Before doing so, she played back what was already recorded and heard the embezzlement conversation between Tom and Heather. Samantha was truly pleased at what she heard.

In the sleazy motel room, Ethan and Faith were in the midst of fore-foreplay, they were just kissing. He had a confession to make. It was his first time. But he was hoping she'd show him the ropes. They retreated to the bed for some more fore-foreplay, but she pushed him away. She, too, had a confession to make. She was also a virgin.

He then said that as much as he wants to do it, they can wait. What? I thought he was some kind of juvenile delinquent? You'd think he would have done her whether she was willing or not. So he went to the motel thinking he was going to score, but instead he'll end up spanking his monkey.

The next morning at Williams Aviation, out of a sense of loyalty, Samantha played the incriminating disc for Chandler. She pointed out that now he was an accomplice in Heather's crime. What she didn't point out was that now he was an accomplice in her crime - industrial espionage. If that's loyalty, I'd rather have a dog.

To torment Peter, Heather sent him a flyer promoting "The Man of La Mancha" starring Maureen. Remember her? The actress whose previous role was Peter's lost love? So Peter storms into Heather's office to gripe. Of course, the whole conversation revealing his devious plan to woo Samantha was recorded by the MZ-R90. A close-up of the device clearly showed the characters "MZ-R90" right below the display. So I'm patting myself on the back for recognizing the technology.

David was showering again when Jenny walked in. She stripped and asked whether he wanted some company. "No! Get the hell out!" What a stupid question.

Samantha called Peter into her office. She told him she learned that Heather had stolen $4.6 million. Asked how she knew, she showed him the bugging device. Peter got all nervous. The Maureen revelation was on that disc. Fortunately for Petey, Samantha hadn't played it yet. She thought it would be fun to hear it for the first time with him. Big mistake. It could have been blank. Didn't she watch when Geraldo opened up Al Capone's vault and found it empty?

Anyway, Peter talked her out of playing the disc. What she did was illegal. She would have to find another source to confirm Heather's dirty deed. That's easy. All Samantha has to do is flash her panties for Tom.

Chandler barged into Heather's bedroom. He spent all day checking out Samantha's allegation and discovered it to be true. What did he do? Flash his boxers for Tom? He said he would return the money. But Heather said the cash was already spent. And she doubted that supercomputer companies give refunds. If he had bought it at Circuit City, he'd have 2 weeks to weeks to return it, subject to a 20% restocking fee, of course.

Heather surmised that if the flying wing succeeds, Chandler would be elevated to CEO of Williams Global. And she would be by his side as queen to his king. This talk of running Williams Global made Chandler hot. He picked up Heather and instead of carrying her to the nearby bed, first carried her to the wall where they accidently activated the intercom, which must have been installed just hours earlier because I don't recall it ever being there.

When Peter arrived home, he asked Edward the butler where Heather was. He urgently needed to speak to her. Edward replied she was "indisposed" as they listened to the intercom and heard the sounds of her "in da sack."

And so it ends. Though there are two more episodes in the can, NBC probably won't be airing them. Maybe it's appropriate that the show ended the way it began, with Heather and Chandler in bed.

So thanks for listening to me for the past couple of months. Stay tuned to this site or my Melrose Place site to see if I decide on another venture.