All the charcters in this are © Joss Whedon. I'm just messing with some fictional characters lives for kicks. *g*
BIG ones for S6 Dead Things.
Buffy's POV
As I looked at the body, I knew. I knew how easy it was to make a mistake in a fight. I knew I had made more than one mistake. As I stood there, staring at the girl, I couldn't stop myself noticing things. It was as if time had ground to a halt. I was the only one still functioning at a normal speed. I couldn't stop staring at her. Knowing that she had been alive only moments before. Now she was so still. So quiet. I had been the one to kill her.
In that moment I was no longer staring at the body of this girl, I was looking at Alan Finch. The blood slowly spreading on his shirt. The look in his eyes as he pleaded with me to help him. Just as I ad heard this girls screams. I only meant to help her. I never meant to kill her. It was all just so fast. So confusing. I was fighting the demons and she seemed to suddenly appear. I just reacted. Didn't think. I killed her. In that moment I knew what Faith felt.
It was exactly the same. I always told myself it was because Faith was so out of control. Always living on the edge. Pushing it that little bit further. It was easier for me to blame her recklessness than to face the truth. I knew the truth then, just as I know it now. It was an accident and it could have been mine. I was too afraid to admit that then. I took the cowards way and I regret that more than anything. I blamed her but that wasn't all I did.
When Spike pulled me away from the body, when he got me home. I knew he would stand by me. When I told Dawn, she accepted it. She didn't blame me, didn't accuse me of being reckless. Didn't tell me I was a murderer. She didn't push me away or tell me turn myself in. When I told the others, they offered me comfort. Not even a mention of me being wrong. It was in that moment that I realised how lucky I was. I might have killed someone but I had my family and my friends by my side. I know that they will stick with me through anything. That they will never turn their backs on me. I know this and it helps me to deal with my actions. Without that support, I'd be lost. Now I know what Faith went through. Now I know I was the one to betray her. It was me, not her. I blamed her. Called her a murderer. Then turned my back on her. I left her alone. No family, no friends. Just her and an indescribable feeling of guilt.
I tried to turn myself into the police. Spike tried to stop me. What I told him then was the truth. He didn't understand why I had to do it. Nobody did, only me. I told Faith to turn herself in for her mistake. How could I not do the same? It was an accident. There wasn't anything I could have done. Being in prison won't bring that girl back. It won't end the guilt over killing her. It would cost people their lives. Yet I still had to do it. Staying free would be wrong, when Faith is in a cell for the same mistake. When I looked at Spike and told him that he wouldn't understand, I knew. In that moment, I knew I was turning myself in to try to stop the overwhelming guilt about Faith. I made her give up everything she had because I was too afraid to admit the truth. I could convince myself that if she was in prison, she had been in the wrong and it could never have happened to me.
I might have found out that I didn't kill that girl but it didn't change much. Those few hours gave me a glimpse into what Faith had gone through. Made me realise just how easily that mistake could happen. Made me realise just how wrong I had been. At the same time I know that what I experienced is nothing compared to what Faith went through. Just for the simple fact that I had so much support. I was all Faith had and I walked away. I can feel my guilt consuming me as the realisation about what I did sinks in. In that moment, I know what I must do.
I slowly walk over and lock my door. I don't want anyone to disturb me. Just seeing one of them could make me lose my courage. I know that if that happened, I'd never go through with it. Even if I know that it is the only way to put an end to these feelings. I sit down on my bed and close my eyes. Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves a bit. Guess this is it. Now or never. I glance at the picture of everyone, all the scoobies, my family. Then my eyes drift to the right of the frame. Such a common object that I use every day, yet I can feel the fear building in me. I reach out and pick it up and do something that I should have done a long time ago.
"Angel? I need to talk to Faith."
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